As she chronicled the cable news chatter for last week, Intern Wendy suddenly found herself in the middle of what looks to be an on-air announcement of a specific NBC 2.0 casualty. Tucker, the new home for layoffs.

• “Before we get started here Tucker, Ian Friedman, our great producer, is leaving us, his last day on the show. He‘s going to greener pastures, Los Angeles, chase his dream to become a porn producer and we couldn‘t be more excited for him. “ —Willie Geist, showing how NBC 2.0 can lead to exciting career opportunities, Tucker, December 1

• “Ridiculous? It will be if nobody shows up. Very lonely.” —Bill O’Reilly, potential lonely guy, if nobody shows up for his book signing, The O’Reilly Factor, November 30

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Exclusive

As Jeff Zucker weighs his options in restructuring NBC's Burbank operations, we hear MSNBC head Dan Abrams is readying the chopping block.

An insider tattles to us that there have been "lots of closed door meetings" regarding newlywed Alison Stewart's 3pm show The Most, which debuted in May. Obviously execs don't appreciate its worldly mix of news and entertainment: We're told to expect to see it cut next.

Meanwhile, a timeline is arising for the futures of Rita Cosby and Tucker Carlson. We already told you that Rita – who lost her own primetime show Live & Direct – was getting the ax. Her exit from the building, we hear, is imminent. And as for Carlson, whose Tucker has been hanging in there with a downsized staff? A February cancelation announcement is scheduled, says our source. All of this on top of the impending series of layoffs expected at the news channel under NBC 2.0.

All of which, meanwhile, makes congratulatory staff memo sent out this week by Dan Abrams – where he lauds staffers for boosting ratings – an invitation to call him an ass. And make toupee jokes.

That Tucker Carlson is always interested in a good sex tape – and will tell you on air – is no longer a surprise to Intern Wendy. That he and Rita Cosby are willing to read press releases from David Blaine's PR machine still is.

• "There goes that wine and cheese viewing party I was having for my neighborhood." Tucker Carlson, bummed that there's no Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape after all, Tucker, November 22

• "It's a Third World, after all, it's a Third World, after all…" Robin Williams, singing Disney World's theme song if it were hit by Hurricane Katrina, Anderson Cooper 360, November 17

• "Rita Cosby, will she be in a cage?" Tucker Carlson, on the only way he'll watch Rita Cosby, Tucker, November 21

• "Do you go to the bathroom?" Rita Cosby, asking David Blaine the only interesting question about his gyroscope stunt, Scarborough Country, November 21

• "I was just in Afghanistan and I brought back a Burka and I gave it to my mom." Anderson Cooper, bringing mommy Gloria Vanderbilt a special gift, Anderson Cooper 360, November 17

Yesterday afternoon, TVNewser brought word that Tucker Carlson's MSNBC show was going to be among those hemmoraging staffers. Blame it on NBC 2.0, blame it on the fact that his lower (but stable) ratings don't warrant all those production minions. That Tucker is losing staffers isn't the news — that Tucker will remain on the air is the real mystery.

You'll remember, back in October we brought news that both Tucker and Rita Cosby were out of jobs following the massive layoffs at NBC Universal and their underperformance when it came to Nielsen. It's pretty clear that Rita is being phased out, but according to reports:

However, Tucker Carlson isn't losing his show. "We have found some efficiencies in how we staff our late afternoon programs," a spokesperson says. "Tucker will continue to host our 4 and 6pm hours, where he's achieving impressive growth in our audience."

The affected staffers were informed yesterday, a tipster says. They are being encouraged to consider other opportunities. Another tipster says the show format may change, but that hasn't been confirmed…

We checked with our original informant, who says the news that Tucker will remain on air comes as much as a surprise as much to our source as it does to you. "Perhaps it's because [most of his staff] are losing their jobs that they can afford to keep him on air, since the slack will be picked up by other teams," relays our NBC tattler. "As for the formatting change, it sounds like a desperate move to save his show and boost ratings, but I can't imagine Dan [Abrams, the MSNBC chief] can keep making excuses for why Tucker can never come close to attracting even 300,000 viewers."

Clearly, the likes of Anderson Cooper, Shep Smith, Nancy Grace, and Bill O'Reilly didn't hold much interest for Intern Wendy, as it's an all-MSNBC edition of Cable Quotables.

• “This, of course, the Hollywood version of Al and Tipper Gore‘s licking at the Los Angeles Democratic convention in 2000.” —Joe Scarborough, with his take on the TomKat kiss, Scarborough Country, November 20

• “The highlight for me by the way, the after party. We were dancing, most people would be a little self-conscious dancing amongst professionals, I was not. And I think, I‘m not sure I heard clearly but I thought I heard a producer come up to me and go, 'Season Four'. We‘ll see if it pans out.” —Willie Geist, looking to be the Harry Hamlin of next year’s Dancing With the Stars, Tucker, November 16

• “Absolutely, you have to first prove that you can cook and make yourself presentable before you‘re aloud to handle a house pet because there‘s an off chance that that animal may turn out to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.“ —Paul F. Tompkins, on the joys of Scientology marriages, Countdown, November 17

• “We don‘t have cameras. We don‘t know exactly what it looked like. But here‘s probably what it looked like. That mashed face kiss. I never want to see that again.” —Willie Geist, having flashbacks to Liza Minnelli’s and David Gest’s wedding, Tucker, November 20

• “This is no joke. These people are traumatized. Some of these are the same people from David and Liza and they were busy going, not again, not again. They covered their eyes, but they could still hear all those slurping noises. So they covered their ears and they could still see this two tongued dragon monster. “ —Michael Musto, fondly recalling Liza Minnelli and David Gest’s “kiss”, Countdown, November 20

The mid-term elections were just a week ago, but as Intern Wendy discovers, the cable shows are already on to their next favorite topic: Larry King's dancing skills.

• "I didn't want to ruin her evening, so I stayed away. But I badly, badly wanted to show her page 160 of Culture Warrior, where there's a picture of me interviewing her in 1976. That alone is worth the price of the book." Bill O'Reilly, longing to trash Susan Sarandon's day, The O'Reilly Factor, November 10

• “Welcome back from New Orleans. When you think of this city, you think of beads, topless women and Willie Geist.” Tucker Carlson, on why he loves the Big Easy, Tucker, November 10

• “Right. It's like when the Muppets dance. They always stay up here on Kermit, yes.” Tom Bergeron, suggesting the best way to watch Larry King dance is from the waist up, Larry King Live, November 10

• “A step above the dumpster, you`re on this show.” Glenn Beck, telling Danny Bonaduce that Breaking Bonaduce wasn’t the lowest point in his career after all, Glenn Beck, November 10

• "I don't know. When it's a traditional toy, just bring back the traditional toy, though. You know? I don't know if I need Dora the Explorer on there." Miles O'Brien, upset at the updating of Etch-a-Sketch, American Morning, November 13

• Joanna Coles is disappointing her peers at Marie Claire. And while the numbers speak for themselves, we're hearing there's some very hardcore agenda setting going on. [WWD]

• FCC reminds you that "fuck" and "shit" are still naughty words. [B&C]

• R&M goes political. Readers turn the page. [R&M]

• It's the first election night for all our news anchors playing lead. [NYT]

• Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" Series claims its first pedophilia suicide. NBC plays dumb. [NYT]

• Tucker Carlson, back on the tie fix? [TVN]

This week Intern Wendy found herself in the middle of Bill O'Reilly using his presidential interview to plug his own book, while Tucker Carlson opined on everything from Madonna's adoption to the Dancing With Stars story that's been ignored.

• "Oh, God, well, we all know vegetarians can‘t beat up people." —Joe Scarborough, on why Paul McCartney wouldn't hit Heather Mills, Scarborough Country, October 19

• "It‘s better than living in a cow dung hut." —Tucker Carlson, looking on the bright side of being adopted by Madonna, Tucker, October 17

• "When people criticize me, I think I'm the second most criticized person in the country. You're first by a large margin, but I'm second." —Bill O'Reilly, jealous that George W. Bush gets bashed more than he does, The O'Reilly Factor, October 20

• "I‘ve got to — I‘ve got to be honest with you. I used to dislike Nancy Grace. I am starting to kind of like her. She is so over the top. No one has ever been that over the top on television." —Tucker Carlson, who wants Nancy Grace on top, Tucker, October 20

• "A retrospective on the life and times of Reverend Jesse Jackson, who is 65 years old. You get your Social Security check yet? You know, you get it automatic." —Larry King, on the perks of being old and senile, Larry King Live, October 20

There more, after the jump.

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Exclusive

What, you thought the fun was over? Nope! As part of "NBC 2.0" (read: staff slashing), we're hearing MSNBC talking head Tucker Carlson is out the door in what's perhaps one of the biggest, though least surprising, shifts by the network. Meanwhile, FTVLive is reporting that Rita Cosby, who's already taken a backseat role after being removed from her primetime talking head gig, will also be without a home. Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, we hear, will hang on to their seven-figure deals.

Update: While Eat The Press checks in with MSNBC chief Dan Abrams – who issues a requisite denial: "We have made no decisions about any possible programming changes" – we're also told that even Rita's production team isn't aware of the axing. Likely Abrams will want to deliver the news to Secaucus before the likes of us, huh?

Update 2: We're quite willing to let the other gossips do our legwork, as happens with scoop thief Radar pinging Tucker Carlson for comment. Says Tuck: "It's bullshit. It's total bullshit. I talked to Abrams last night. I've got another year on my contract. That's my comment: Bullshit." And while we're willing to believe Abrams and Tucker did have a chat last night regarding his tenure, and that Tucker throws around "bullshit" like George Allen does "macaca," our source at NBC (who's privy to chatter above MSNBC's decision makers) says otherwise: "Zucker can't stand him. He wants to see him go. [From what I understand] Zucker has been more than hinting to Abrams that Tucker and Rita need to go."

We know they only reason you look forward to Fridays is for Intern Wendy's Cable Quotables. So we'll skip the chatter. Really, nothing we can say is funnier than a monkey smelling Anderson Cooper's armpit. So on a dreary, cold day like this, let Bill O'Reilly's analysis of drunk bears liven up your day. Chew slowly.

• “How many — as a clown, how many people do you think you could fit inside a city bus?” — Tucker Carlson, considering future career possibilities, Tucker, October 3

• “OK. Let`s unchain the lawyers” —Nancy Grace, who likes her lawyers tied up, Nancy Grace, October 3

• “This bear is drunk. He was spotted near Lyons, Colorado, hammered on fermented apples. This bear needs rehab. Intervention. Can’t be having stoned bears running around. What would Yogi say? He would say it’s ridiculous. Get that bear into rehab.” —Bill O’Reilly, doing an intervention, The O’Reilly Factor, October 4

• “It‘s great talking to you when it doesn‘t have anything to do with Nancy Grace.” —Joe Scarborough, making Robi Ludwigfeel welcome, Scarborough Country, October 4

• “This is a gorilla named Utabari. . . . She’s now smelling my armpit.” —Anderson Cooper, monkey magnet, Anderson Cooper 360, October 4

• “There’s only so much cotton candy and vomit I can take.” —Miles O’Brien, on why he hates Disneyland, October 5

Intern Wendy is back today with our weekly dose of Cable Quotables. Of course we can't go a few days without Tucker Carlson associating homosexuality with being disabled, or Larry King using the word "whore" — but what's a few politically incorrect statement from the mouths of our beloved cable news babes? Ah, it's all in good fun. Just try not to choke on your shmear when you get to the part about Dr. Laura in her nudie pics, k?

• “And later, a former supermodel shows us the dark side of modeling, where runway stars stay thin on a diet of cigarettes, coffee and cocaine. Man, that sounds like MSNBC cameramen!” —Joe Scarborough, on the qualifications to work at MSNBC, Scarborough Country, September 28

• “But he‘s gay — but he‘s blind. No, he‘s deaf, he‘s paralyzed, he‘s mute. No, he‘s gay. Whatever.” —Tucker "disabled, gay, whatever" Carlson, Tucker, September 28

• “And even if you don’t want to read the book, just look at the pictures. Just go to the book store and look at the pictures. We have great shots in that book.” —Bill O’Reilly, pimping his book to the illiterate, The O’Reilly Factor, September 29

•“There are cute ones from me sort of nude from here up and dressed otherwise with little braids and—that—that—I was cuter than I thought I was.” Dr. Laura Schlessinger, channeling her inner Paris Hilton, Larry King Live, September 29

• “Should wives be whores?” —Larry King, asking the question on everyone's mind, Larry King Live, September 29

• “I want to take a donut, cut it, then take a big piece of meat, some Velveeta, and French fries, and a donut top.” Glenn Beck, sharing his “heart attack on a plate” recipe, Glenn Beck, September 29

When you're having a bad week, sometimes looking at the moronic quotes of cable newscasters can make you feel better. Seriously. It's getting pretty chilly out there, meaning Intern Wendy almost reveled in the hours spent curling up in front of the fire, glass of wine in hand, learning tips on robbery from Bill O'Reilly and enjoying the insightful film suggestions of Tucker Carlson. Really, few things in life are better than this.

• “The first Jackass is the greatest film honestly I think I've ever seen in my entire life.” —Tucker Carlson, film buff, Tucker, September 25

• “You know, you steal a video camera in New York. They don’t even give you a ticket.” —Bill O’Reilly, on what he does in his off hours, The O’Reilly Factor, September 25

• “I just liked him because he flipped you off on the air last week.” —Willie Geist, choosing friends by if they give Tucker Carlson the bird, Tucker, September 26

• “You have to buy this. I‘ve got Cipro bills to pay.” —Keith Olbermann, giving the only reason you should buy his new book, Countdown, September 27

• “But Dustin Diamond, I have to say, isn‘t that already a porn star name? He was destined to be a porn star.” —Katrina Szish, giving career advice to former child star Dustin “Screech” Diamond, Scarborough Country, September 27

• “Greta Van Susteren is very friendly with Bill Clinton because of her husband. Alan Colmes adores Bill Clinton and would be his valet. Shep Smith never says anything politically one way or the other.” —Bill O’Reilly, trying to out Shepard Smith as a Republican, The O’Reilly Factor, September 27

• “When you look at yourself there, do you look weird to yourself?” —Larry King, hoping Clay Aiken can relate, Larry King Live, Sepetmber 27

We can't apologize enough for holding out on today's Cable Quotables for so long! This week your fave cable news faces get a little bit testy — but nothing Intern Wendy can't handle. As long as everyone keeps the weapons away from Nancy Grace, everything should be just fine. Hasn't she caused enough death and destruction already?

• "But you know why they did the elephant? It's an elephant in the room. See? You can't ignore it." —Anderson Cooper, impressing Erica Hill with puns and pachyderms, Anderson Cooper 360, September 18

• "Are American women sluts and hussies?" Alan Colmes, longing to meet a domestic whore, Hannity and Colmes, September 18

• "Many of us on the staff didn`t know exactly what a filet knife is. Well, this is a filet knife. It`s a nasty little piece of work." —Nancy Grace, who likes her knives sharp, Nancy Grace, September 18

• "And let‘s be honest with each other. Is it a good idea to let Nancy Grace be armed on the set? No, it‘s just not. It‘s not a good idea. Disarm Nancy Grace, please, for the sake of the rest of us." —Tucker Carlson, on the real threat to America's safety, Tucker, September 19

• "Think like Ted Baxter. Remember the Mary Tyler Moore episode when pressure was building on old Ted to take a vacation, because he never did? Then boom, the one time he does, the biggest thing he feared happened: the guy who was doing his job "got" his job." —Neil Cavuto, giving advice to Thailand's Prime Minister, Your World, September 19

• "But, of course, I could be wrong. I don't think so…but I could be." —Bill O'Reilly, pondering the impossible, The O'Reilly Factor, September 20

• "$25,000 bucks and I can hang with Paula Abdul. Do I have to bring the Xanax and Jack Daniels?" —Joe Scarborough, tallying the expenses of winning a date with Paula Abdul, Scarborough Country, September 20

• "I went to college. I did! I want to make that clear!" —Chris Jansing, on how only the educated can cover an escaped ostrich story, MSNBC News Live, September 20

Even though Tucker Carlson is fading rapidly from popular culture and Nancy Grace is driving her guests to suicide, Intern Wendy has still worked diligently all week to put together this week's list of Cable Quotables. It's totally worth reading this round, if only to revel in the fact that Bill O'Reilly wants to send himself to Gitmo.

• "I mean, you`re — I mean, you`re like way over that. Let me ask you this way. Nobody really wants to talk to you at parties, do they?" —Glenn Beck, bonding with Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings, Glenn Beck, September 14

• "And I noticed, Bethany, in her blogging — I call them e-mails — her blogging, she talks about how a lot of you — and we can`t confirm this is her blog. I mean, she's dead and gone now." —Nancy Grace, showing her grief about Melinda Duckett's death, Nancy Grace, September 14

• Right now in Guantanamo Bay, detainees are allowed eight hours of sleep, three meals a day, two hours of outside exercises daily, and a bevy of entertainment and religious options." Bill O'Reilly, revealing his next vacation, The O'Reilly Factor, September 15

• "Even if you're playing Hitler, you have to find an inner thing to like him." —Larry King, finding his inner Fuehrer, Larry King Live, September 15

• "Well, it‘s kind of like me trying to act, you know? I‘m pretty good in those skits, though, aren‘t I?" —Joe Scarborough, sharing what he has in common with George Clooney, Scarborough Country, September 15

• "Well, it sounds a little nutty, Miles, dig a moat or something filled with crocodiles." —Major General Don Sheppard, on how we're really keep Baghdad safe, American Morning, September 18

• "I think Kinky Freidman is the first to give you the finger on the air." —Willie Geist, Tucker, September 18

Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's also Mexican Independence Day. And in between ordering our burrito and hiring armed guards to protect us from the crazed Radar staffers, we put together this week's Cable Quotables, compliments of Intern Wendy. It's hard to laugh when we're still crying over Tucker Carlson's execution from Dancing With the Stars, but Joe Scarborough recounting his douchebaggary helped. Just a little.

• “Here you are at a cat circus with a Russian mute clown. There is a chimpanzee jumping around on the set with you, and I think you are about to see something really special, which is Tiny Kiss, and there they are. That‘s a Kiss cover band of drunken little people." —Willie Geist, reminiscing about all the ways Tucker Carlson’s humiliated himself, Tucker, September 12

• “I said, What—he called me a blank-bag. My son said, yes, that was cool, wasn‘t it.” —Joe Scarborough, on how Jon Stewart captured his son's dream of calling him a douche, Scarborough Country, September 12

• “Regis earned my eternal respect because he chewed gum out of my mouth. He took gum out of my mouth and put it in his mouth and chewed it.” —Jimmy Kimmel, on how desperate Regis Philbin is for fans, Showbiz Tonight, September 12

•“You get a dog to lick your child‘s crotch and that‘s good? How long before child protective services shows up, I wonder? How many more Views before the state comes in and does something about it?” —Tucker Carlson, grossed out by Rosie O’Donnell diaper rash cure, Tucker, September 13

• “She tells me about your butt a lot in the MSNBC commissary, but I didn‘t know she was going to go public with that.” —Willie Geist, revealing Rita Cosby’s booty lust, Tucker, September 13

• “I am not a sex symbol! Shop showing my ass on TV!” —Bruno Tonoli, wanting to be known for his brain, Tucker, September 14

• “Perhaps you are an egomaniac.” —Tanika Ray, swimming in Tucker Carlson’s river of denial, Tucker, September 14

America, you have let us down. You had the chance to vote off Sarah Evans, but you booted out poor Tucker Carlson.

We've been playing "Bad Day" and drinking whiskey since 9 last night. The only thing that helps cure the pain is the realization that we never have to watch this show again.

Tucker-ed out on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ [MSNBC]

Before Tucker Carlson was the star of Dancing with the Stars, he was the star of Cable Quotables. And some TV shows and stuff. We know we were supposed to run Intern Wendy's round-up yesterday, but, well, we couldn't stop giggling long enough to post it.

This week, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Glenn Back prove there's only one thing their mind. Yup, it's the same thing that's always on Joe Francis'.

• "Ruh-roh! Changing a story. You know what? There's nothing like telling the police you're up in a tree outside the victim's window, masturbating, to get you off the hook on a murder case." —Nancy Grace, offering a time tested alibi, Nancy Grace, September 7

• "We're back with Pancho Gonzales." —Larry King reveals his petname for Andre Agassi, Larry King Live, September 7

• "Tucker, as long as they're giving away positions to reality show contestants, I think you should be the ambassador to Luxembourg." —Willie Geist, revealing Tucker Carlson's post "Dancing With the Stars" gig, Tucker, September 7

• "But did she tell the cops the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the slutty truth?" —Joe Scarborough, questioning Paris Hilton's honesty, Scarborough Country, September 7

• "I think she likes me now. All I had to say was I'm a drunk and she likes me." —Glenn Beck, on picking up chicks, Glen Beck, September 8

• "I'm sorry to blow your mind, Congressman, but that‘s allowed in this country!" Tucker Carlson, protecting his right to make no sense, Tucker, September 8

Did you miss Dancing with the Stars last night? If so, well, you are obviously lame and not super hip and awesome like us and the gals of The View. If you haven't noticed, we have slowly grown to back Tucker Carlson in hopes that an underdog can win over a nation with the power of dance. It must have been Tucker professing he was more afraid of dancing live than he was reporting Beirut which melted us. And though he was scared, Tucker got out there and performed his little heart out for all of you.

The result? Well, the judges called him "an awful mess," (come on, not everyone can be Emmitt Smith!) and then ran Jesse Jackson's speech about backing Tucker — of course, cutting out all the "vote for Tucker" parts. They didn't even acknowledge how much Jossip's special friend has improved since last time!

Tucker On Dancing With The Stars [You Tube]
Earlier: Tucker Carlson and Jerry Springer Prove White Boys Can't Dance

Did you vote for your fave Dancing with the Stars contestant last night? Ok, we know it's kind of lame, and if Tucker Carlson gets kicked off we may not ever watch it again …. but, yes, we watched it for him.

Honestly, Tucker wasn't that bad! Though he did sit down for the first 30 seconds of the dance, and he struck a few awkward poses, we don't think he deserved to be called "an awful mess." Jossip just hopes his determination and charm wins over some of the voters at home. (We don't know why we're so obsessed with Tucker. Maybe it's because he sends our Intern signed photographs, or because he's the frat boy friend we never had … we just really don't want him to get kicked off Stars, ok?)

Plus we think it's Tucker's dance partner who screwed it all up. She didn't work closely with him to teach him the graceful art of dance. Jerry Springer's dance partner stuck with him. Seriously, even Springer beat Tucker … but only because he was so cute when he was nervous.

Emmit Smith and Mario Lopez ruled the front of line (yes, they totally rocked) with Carlson and Springer at the back. Proving what we all know — white guys can't dance.

Tucker Carlson's dancing an 'awful mess'? [MSNBC]

Tucker Carlson is getting pretty desperate for votes on regarding his new stint on Dancing With the Stars. (You seriously all better vote for Tucker or you'll have hell to pay when Intern Wendy comes a knockin'.)

Apparently Tucker and his BFF Willie Geist made a few viewers a tad upset when he poked fun at Clay Aiken. Big mistake. That boy has the most die hard fans since Kurt Cobain. Tucker and Willie not only made some off-hand comment about Clay being part of the Bush administration (gasp!) but the showed a photo of Clay with his old hair. The horror!

After the jump, Tucker and Willie's shameless plea for the Claymates to back him and partner Elena Grinenko on their debut tonight. We can't really blame him — they are probably the largest combined force that exists in Reality TV land.

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