Tucker Carlson is getting pretty desperate for votes on regarding his new stint on Dancing With the Stars. (You seriously all better vote for Tucker or you'll have hell to pay when Intern Wendy comes a knockin'.)

Apparently Tucker and his BFF Willie Geist made a few viewers a tad upset when he poked fun at Clay Aiken. Big mistake. That boy has the most die hard fans since Kurt Cobain. Tucker and Willie not only made some off-hand comment about Clay being part of the Bush administration (gasp!) but the showed a photo of Clay with his old hair. The horror!

After the jump, Tucker and Willie's shameless plea for the Claymates to back him and partner Elena Grinenko on their debut tonight. We can't really blame him — they are probably the largest combined force that exists in Reality TV land.

CONTINUED »

We knew that Intern Wendy and Lloyd Grove are both a little obsessed with Tucker Carlson. (And we swear they have nothing else in common!) What we didn't realize is that Reverend Al Sharpton was so obsessed with him, too.

We know the Lowdown had this Al Sharpton vs. Tom DeLay Dancing With the Stars battle (honesty, that is a statement we never thought we'd say) but Intern Wendy got her hands on the entire letter also. And we thought it might be of interest to our readers to read the un-edited version. (It's more or less the same thing, just without the missing text. You just can't get that from a fancy newspaper full of high class things like editing these days.)

Also, we think it's really great that our political (and ex-political) figures are so involved with popular culture. And we fully support a full-time dancing career for Tucker — but only if means he'll still talk on television so we can fill our Cable Quotables quotas.

The good Reverend's words, after the jump.

CONTINUED »

This weeks Cable Quotables, courtesy of Intern Wendy, are hilarious. The Dancing With the Stars issues are heating up and Rosie O'Donnell's pubic hair is not amusing anyone. Well, except Barbara Walters.

• “I mean, it’s like I told somebody the other day, I said, it’s like me getting killed by a poodle, you know?” — Jack Hanna, on the real deadly beasts, On the Record, September 5

• “Rosie O‘Donnell taken naked baths with her kids, talking about “her fur.” This violates what we in the news business refer to as the breakfast rule. Anything you put on television or in a newspaper that will spoil someone‘s breakfast is verboten, not allowed, can‘t do it.” — Tucker Carlson, endorsing the "watch Rosie"l diet plan, Tucker, September 5

• “He must be taken down, Tucker.” Willie Geist, warning Tucker Carlson about dancing demon Mario Lopez, Tucker, September 5

• “Well, sir, I can only hope it includes memorabilia and porn movies.” — Nancy Grace, with ideas on how O.J. Simpson can make money, Nancy Grace, September 5

• “So, what is that we’re looking at? What is the curly part and what is—the straight part is the—the sting…” Anderson Cooper, getting his "straight parts" all lined up, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5

• “I had to pay to get a cup of coffee in the judge`s chambers. They have a little styrofoam cup. And if you wanted a cup of coffee, you darn well better pay, OK? And it was bad coffee, too.” Nancy Grace, inadvertently pimping for Starbucks, Nancy Grace, September 6

• “When I was in college I majored in throwing up in my sleep.” — Glenn Beck, on why higher education is worth it, Glenn Beck, September 6

Yay! Intern Wendy is here to save the day. We've got your snack right here, kiddies, so just relax. This week, Glenn Beck tried to seduce viewers with autographed photos of Anderson Cooper and Tucker Carlson hung out with his new Dancing With the Stars BFF Jerry Springer. We know this weather is depressing, but the long weekend is just around the corner, so do yourself a favor and laugh at Nancy Grace. Really, it helps.

• "I know, but now that he has got job, it kind of wrecks it, though. You know what I mean?" —Tucker Carlson, pissed off that Kevin Federline found employment, Tucker, August 28

• "OK. So he`s not just a perv, he`s a hairless perv." —Nancy Grace, hot for John Mark Karr post-laser treatments, Nancy Grace, August 29

• "I mean, I think I could even score you an autographed picture of Anderson Cooper. I don`t know, you know, if I can get it personalized." —Glenn Beck, pimping out Anderson Cooper for viewers, Glenn Beck, August 29

•"Six truckloads carrying more than 220,000 pounds of tomatoes. Or is it tomates in Spain? I'm not sure. They were used – people pelted with – each other. We've all seen this. It happens every year. We have to talk about it every year." —Anderson Cooper, hasn't been practicing Spanish with Julio, Anderson Cooper 360, August 30

• "Have they ever like stopped a dance in the middle? You know how you stop a fight. That‘s what I‘m concerned about. That someone‘s going to throw in the towel in the middle of my dance and say get him out of here." —Jerry Springer, longing to literally throw in the towel, Tucker, August 30

• "I hope they asked her if she has facial hair and would she wear a push-up bra, too." —Pat Lalama, on what else Katie Couric needs photoshopped, Showbiz Tonight, August 30

• "We were once called "Crossfire on methamphetamines" when we first got started!" —Alan Colmes, on why their viewers are crackheads, Hannity and Colmes, August 30

Tucker Carlson understands you want your Cable Quotables now, now, now, now! It's like your crack. And Intern Wendy is your dealer. And this week the smack is good, folks. We've got Anderson Cooper's new dream to be a bus driver, Nancy Grace admitting she knows nothing about prison life, and Oprah digging ditches in high heels.

So grab the pipe and get your cable news fix. And don't forget to come back on Friday for more, more, more.

• "I know, because we‘re all a bunch of crack addicts who want it now, now, now, now!" —Tucker Carlson, Tucker, August 24

"• It is the Obi Wan Kenobe theory of murder — of martyrdom, where, strike me down and I only become stronger. CNN‘s basically giving us a message, if he lives, you lose, if he dies, he only gets stronger." —Joe Scarborough, comparing Osama bin Laden to a Jedi knight, Scarborough Country, August 24

• "Is he allowed to exercise, to work out? You know, like a spa?" —Nancy Grace, wondering if John Mark Karr is getting facials in jail, Nancy Grace, August 25

• "I mean, once guys get married, then they`re thinking, you know, there`s no reason for me to eat salad anymore. She`s legally bound to have sex with me now." —Glenn Beck, blaming his weight on his wife, Glenn Beck, August 25

• "Only Oprah would wear a dress and high heels as she digs." —Soledad O'Brien, envying Oprah Winfrey's skill with a shovel, American Morning, August 25

• "Do they have bus drive — I mean, they — it doesn't seem like buses is — is necessarily the problem, as the — it's getting the bus drivers. Do they have a plan for bus drivers?" —Anderson Cooper, longing to drive a big yellow bus, Anderson Cooper 360, August 25

• "Do you get some macabre pleasure out of saying it?" —Larry King, asking Heidi Klum if she gets off on saying "you're out," Larry King Live, August 25

It seems as though there is nothing our lovable newscasters fear more than Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline. (Osama Bin Laden, not so much.) Intern Wendy watched in terror as she collected these bon-bon sized bites. It's lunch hour on a Friday, and if you're not too busy stalking Michael Kors in the Hearst tower, enjoy your dessert.

• "I feel bad for all those children. They can make, like, a Lifetime movie out of the trauma that those kids are going to face for having seen that." — Joe DeRosa, on how Kevin Federline's performance will make shrinks rich, Showbiz Tonight, August 21

• "OK, let's have a rule in Scarborough Country, OK, buddy? All K-Fed clips, keep them under two seconds." —Joe Scarborough, setting his Kevin Federline limit, Scarborough Country, August 21

• "If they both showed up at your door with flowers and chocolate you’d kind of have to make a tough call." Willie Geist, debating between Osama bin Laden and Bobby Brown, Tucker, August 22

• "The obvious question, how long before she brings a gun to work? Ooh, I bet that’s a question her staff asks themselves every day as they shiver." — Tucker Carlson, on Nancy Grace going postal, Tucker, August 22

• "I don‘t want to be on a long car trip with her. She scares me. I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air." Tucker Carlson, scared shitless by Nancy Grace, Tucker, August 23

• "Everybody knows. Pluto is a dog. Pluto is a great dog, as a matter of fact. A classic dog, an entertaining dog, a loyal friend to Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Huey, Dewey and Louie. Pluto will always be a dog." — John Gibson, grieving over the loss of planet Pluto, The Big Story, August 24

Though we've never watched Dancing With the Stars before (nope, not even one time) we're pretty sure the latest addition of Tucker Carlson will be reason enough to start.

We were especially intrigued when we saw today that Carlson would be sporting "cheeseball disco garb, complete with rhinestone cuff links." Oh, look. Yep, there he is. Tucker and his profesh dance partner Elena Grinenko are so going to rule.

Today, Dancing With the Stars … next year, the Ice Capades. And to think, he was once just a regular guy with a little show on MSNBC.

• Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Matthew McConaughey: gay or cyclists? [Details via TMZ]

• SNL is cutting cast members, but holding auditions for their replacements. [FBNY]

• We hope this was shot right after Paris Hilton was crying over how good her song is. Because the ho looks like shiiiite. [YouTube]

• Is it just us, or has it been Bill Clinton's birthday for, like, two weeks now? [Lowdown]

• Tucker Carlson's stupid "reporting" gig is getting in the way of his Dancing With the Stars rehearsals. [ETP]

Today's Cable Quotables are short and sort of sweet. As Intern Wendy points out, things are less funny when there's a war going on. But, thankfully, we always have Tucker Carlson to keep us calm and under control. And Glenn Beck's chocolate cake.

• “I love Macy’s. But there’s no one to help you. You literally cannot give your money away. You’re like, can I buy this? Can I buy this? Please, can you sell this to me?” —Soledad O’Brien, getting no respect, American Morning, August 11

• “I’m not trying to scare anybody. Come on. I’m merely a talk show host. I don’t scare people.” —Tucker Carlson, obviously not talking about his dancing skills, Tucker, August 11

• “Does crying work for men as well as women?” —Tucker Carlson, hoping to manipulate those Dancing With the Stars judges, Tucker, August 14

• “I present to you the lazy man`s black forest cake. Four ingredients: cake, pudding, Cool Whip, cherries. That`s it. The directions: You put them all on top of the cake and wait for the end of the world. There you go. Eat away. ” —Glenn Beck, offering recipes while waiting for the apocalypse, Glenn Beck, August 14

• “My career is over.” —Joe Scarborough, Scarborough Country, August 14

Oh, our poor Tucker Carlson. Nobody loves him the way Jossip loves him. Really. Even his good friend Willie Geist is blogging about how Tucker is an embarrassment to humanity.

Tucker is a legitimately great man and a good friend, but when he dances, he’s not only an embarrassment to himself and his family, but a living, breathing affront to rhythm and movement in space.

Aw. But we love the Tucker dance tape! It’s given us a reason to live! Well, it also inspires news that gives us a reason to live. News like, the Toronto Star is the first media outlet to use the term “douchebag” in an article. Yes, Tucker Carlson is the recipient of this honor, bestowed on him by TV reporter Vinay Menon , and realized by Eat the Press' Rachel Sklar.

Menon, who seems to disapprove of Carlson’s extracurricular television choices, recalled Carlson’s days on CNN’s “Crossfire,” where “he often came across as just another smug douchebag in the beltway.”

But, in following the rules of douchbaggery, bringing the word "douchebag" into journalism vernacular automatically counters one's douchiness. So, read this piece. It's the last time someone can call Tucker a douchebag and actually be right about it.

Toronto Star Describes Tucker Carlson, Becomes First Mainstream Newspaper To Break The "Douchebag" Barrier [Eat the Press]

Today may be the funniest Cable Quotables round-up we've had in a while. Glenn Back creaming himself over cookies, Rita Cosby's guests attacking her for once, and Nancy Grace with more "take your pants off" talk. Intern Wendy must have had a fun week. Grab a glass of milk, and get ready to pop these quotes in your mouth. You know they just scream "read me, read me!"

• “Glenn, Glenn? I am so tasty, thick layer of yummy fudge, two delicious cookies. Sure, it looks like you`re biting the head off a cute little midget that lives in a tree, but it`s OK. I don`t feel pain. Buy me, Glenn. Buy me!” —Glenn Beck, dirty talking with the Keebler elf, Glenn Beck, August 8

• “I also demanded and I got Anderson Cooper‘s manicurist. We also got his dermatology technician to apply my bi-daily facials. And last but not least, John Gibson‘s personal hairstylist.” —Joe Scarborough, not such an average Joe at heart, Scarborough Country, August 8

• “Are you on crack?” —Shannon Tweed, analyzing Rita Cosby’s interviewing skills, Scarborough Country, August 9

• “Now, when Rosie (Nancy Grace’s producer) shows up at work with an AR-15, it will be wrong, but I don‘t think anybody will be surprised.” —Tucker Carlson, predicting that Nancy Grace will be a corpse on her own show, Tucker, August 9

• “I'm going to make a confession. I don't think I'm nuts. That's exactly what people think when they're nuts. People who are nuts never think they're nuts, which to me is proof positive I'm not insane.” —Glenn Beck, proving he’s crazy, Glenn Beck, August 9

• “Did he have on pants?” —Nancy Grace, praying for a naked ass corpse, Nancy Grace, August 10

Do you loooove Dancing With the Stars? Admittedly, we haven't really watched it in the past. We always had much more fun watching Tucker Carlson dance on his show with Willie Geist. Which is why we're so thrilled to learn that Tucker (supposedly) will be joining Dancing With the Stars!

The official roster won't be announced by ABC until Monday, but Tucker Carlson will be among the the list of celebrities gutsy enough to get jiggy with it on national television.

After the jump, relive the moment when Tucker danced into our hearts, securing a place in our nerd crush history.

CONTINUED »

Oy. We might have to start giving Intern Wendy some more difficult tasks … because these jokes are just getting too easy. Tucker Carlson wants to recreate celebrity crimes (can we be there when he pins Rita Cosby against a car?), Bill O'Reilly is officially cuckoo, and Nancy Grace craving jailhouse cuisine and some man on boy love? And this only your first helping! Stay tuned for the second course on Friday.

• "But the idea of recreating celebrities crimes, I love it. Next time George Michael gets in trouble, we‘re going to reenact it. That‘s our pledge to you." —Tucker Carlson, planning to one-up Scarborough Country's Mel Gibson re-enactment, Tucker, August 3

• "You have to apply? They`ve got strict regulations…You have to pay to join this? . . . Life membership, $1,000?" —Nancy Grace, getting all excited about membership in the North American Man/Boy Love Association, Nancy Grace, August 3

• "Explain to me about the pod — oh, there we go, hanger steak, that sounds good. Baked beans, baked potato salad, bread, Kool-Aid or tea. Sounds like a pretty good dinner to me, Laquia." —Nancy Grace, craving cell block cusine, Nancy Grace, August 4

• "Now, listen, I‘ve always tried to avoid getting into phony fights with politicians and other talk show hosts to pump up my ratings. I think my parents raised me to be better than that." —Joe Scarborough, leaving the fake feuds to Keith Olbermann, Scarborough Country, August 4

• "Here I am after a titanic struggle with Moby Dick. Well, maybe little Moby. A walleye who I believe committed suicide by jumping on my hook." —Bill O'Reilly, on why he should live in a padded house, The O'Reilly Factor, April 7

We just love that Tucker Carlson. Well, we don't love him as much as Willie Geist does … we've never tried to get a man hug out of him. But if he asked us to spritz him, you betchur ass we wouldn't refuse. Intern Wendy makes mid Fridays a bit easier with this week's quotable cable bits.

• "I've been trying in vain to get a man hug out of Tucker for a year and a half, it's not going well." —Willie Geist, not feeling the love from Tucker Carlson, Tucker, July 31

• "I think that MSNBC by way of example, is going to give you whatever it is you want to watch." —Michael Smerconish, blaming viewers for MSNBC's "Doc Block," Hardball, July 31

• "It's like that Bugs Bunny cartoon, where he keeps drawing a line in the sand, daring Yosemite Sam to step over it. And when Sam does, Bugs draws another line and then another, then another. And Yosemite Sam? Well, he's just befuddled. I think the U.N. is Yosemite Sam. And I think Bugs is Iran." —Neil Cavuto, blaming cartoons for the Middle East conflict, Your World, August 1

• "I want to state for our viewers emphatically, I have never spritzed Tucker Carlson. And he has asked, trust me." —Willie Geist, refusing to get Tucker's freak on, Tucker, August 2

• "As our motto at MSNBC has been for—you know, I guess for the 10 years we've been in existence here, we drink and you decide." —Joe Scarborough, driving his viewers to hit the bottle, Scarborough Country, August 2

• "OK, tip off number one: You have surgery on a massage table in somebody`s basement, and they`re boiling the instruments over the kitchen stove in a pot and pan. I would think that`s a problem." —Nancy Grace, on the hazards of home liposuction, Nancy Grace, August 2

• "It's like going after the rappers. You don't go after the rappers, you go after the masters." —Bill O'Reilly, gets the streets, yo, The O'Reilly Factor, August 2

Only Tucker Carlson could manage to make his time in Lebanon sound so glamorous. Read on as this week's issue of Cable Qutables, brought to you by Intern Wendy , finds Tucker bar cruising in a war zone, Rita Cosby gettin' a little durrty, and reminding us just how much Nancy Grace loves her sex offenders. Uhh, paging Jeffrey Epstein.

• “Well, Alison, about an hour after we got here, we found ourselves sitting on the patio of our hotel having a lunch of Stilton cheese, walnuts and Perrier." — Tucker Carlson, living large in Lebanon, The Most, July 24

• “So tonight, if—it‘s quite late here; I won‘t even say what time it is, but it‘s very late—if we were to go out, there are places open right now?” —Tucker Carlson, looking to bar hop in Beirut, Tucker, July 25

• “Does that—does that have a big—you know, when you get one of the heads, isn't there still a big snake below it?” —Rita Cosby, Scarborough Country, July 25

• “As a man knowing the way she feels about people of my gender, there‘s no more frightening image than Nancy Grace with a butcher knife." —Willie Geist, reliving his worst nightmare, Tucker, July 26

• “We also have a guy who’s got a hot new TV show on TV that, Nancy, you’re going to love. It’s called ‘Sex Offender Community Update.’” —Glenn Beck, Nancy Grace, July 27

• “Before you go on national television and say you want to kick people’s butts, remember, we’ve seen you fight.” —Willie Geist, fondly remembering Geraldo Rivera’s old talk show, Tucker, July 27

Every day is a good day for quoting the talking heads that be, even if Anderson Cooper is all the way over in the Middle East trying to keep all humor out of his nightly reports. Intern Wendy listened to hours upon hours of chow chow just to pull this exhilarating quotes from across the networks, just for you. In this edition, Keith Olbermann manages to say something without putting on a mask or giving a "heil" sign, and Tucker Carlson just can't stop making a fool out of himself.

• “With each passing day, the terrible reality becomes more and more likely that the fragile little two-faced kitty who captivated a nation may have finally used up all of his 18 lives. Stay tuned to Nancy Grace for nightly updates.” —Keith Olbermann, finding a story worth of Nancy Grace’s talents, Countdown, July 20

• “Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I‘m naked. Look at me.” —Joe Scarborough, channeling Britney Spears, Scarborough Country, July 20

• “Where is everybody?” —Tucker Carlson, baffled the Israelis aren’t outside enjoying the bomb shower, Tucker, July 21

• “I think the balloon, there‘s no question the balloon is up and it‘s interesting, a lot of this you learn by tone.” —We have no idea what Tucker Carlson is talking about, Hardball, July 21

• "Apparently, some locals didn‘t care for our coverage or the idea of the media in general and started harassing me during my show about an hour ago, went up and urinated on our gear, for one thing, and threatened us.” —Tucker Carlson, literally pissing people off, Scarborough Country, July 21

• “I mean, I can`t help but ask you, because I`m a freak. I`m sorry, but I`m a freak.” —Glenn Beck, getting his freak on, Glenn Beck, July 21

This segment, brought to you by Intern Wendy and Bill O'Reilly, needs no introduction. But we'll give you one anyways.

Now that we have to feed you people twice a week, we can start to feel certain portions of our brain melting away as we pull the soundbites from our favorite cable TV personalities. Sadly, Tucker Carlson is missing from this week's edition … but, have no fear. We hear he'll still be on the air for at least another month or so.

• “So, when it‘s all said and done, is this between America and Iran? How can we say with a straight face that this does not involve America and Iran?” —Nancy Grace stops laughing at Elizabeth Smart to laugh at war, Nancy Grace, July 17

• “Oprah is really butch. If you took a good drag queen — a good drag queen version of Oprah and put it next to Oprah, you would not be able to tell these two apart.” —Tom O’Neil, Countdown, July 18

• “I mean, taking what we call talent from under the bright lights of the stage, as it were, and moving him directly into the position of general manager. Where do they get ideas like this? I don‘t care how sharp the guy is. What are the other players going to think? I mean, who would . . . Oh, yeah. Sorry, Mr. Abrams, never mind.” —Keith Olbermann is not feeling the love, Countdown, July 19

• “We hope to see you next time. If you don’t watch, I understand.” —Bill O’Reilly knows he has no viewers, The O’Reilly Factor, July 19

• “Am I turning into Bill O`Reilly? I really—I don’t want to be that guy.” —Glenn Beck, having a bloviator-induced hallucination, Glenn Beck, July 20

• “I actually read this book. Geraldo made me.” —Bill O’Reilly, the only man to read Geraldo Rivera’s autobiography, The O’Reilly Factor, July 20

Just because some technical difficulties kept us offline on Friday doesn't mean we're going to deprave you of Intern Wendy's cable news watching and transcript gleaning. Forthwith, her weekly wrap up of primetime chatter that's got Anderson Cooper talking dirty diapers and Nancy Grace dumpster diving for child porn.

• "It's good to know the drunks are still watching the show. And we encourage it. If that means drinking during the afternoon, so be it. But we want you watching." — Willie Geist, thankful that Tucker Carlson's core audience is still watching, Tucker, July 11

• "Joe, got any good emails?" — Keith Olbermann, comparing emails with Joe Scarborough, Countdown, July 11

• "You can get it on Ebay for a lot less than that, Brian." Nancy Grace, giving Michael Jackson attorney Brian Oxman tips on buying copies of kiddie porn books, Nancy Grace, July 12

• "It's a potty training cartoon for children in Japan, complete with music, singing, confetti, even dazzling underwear. They animate the No. 1 and even the No. 2s. Sing along, Erica." Anderson Cooper, who obviously thinks Erica Hill needs Depends, Anderson Cooper 360, July 12

• "Albert Einstein: genius, Nobel-winning physicist, stud muffin. He is human and funny and, apparently, he is horny." — Neil Cavuto, inadvertently comparing Albert Einstein with Bill O'Reilly, Your World With Neil Cavuto, July 12

• "But first, the story that Keith Olbermann's producers are making me do." — Joe Scarborough, passing the buck for covering Tom Cruise, Scarborough Country, July 12

What, our MSNBC coverage hasn't been enough for you? You know the details of the cable net's 10th anniversary party – totally crashable, if you can get by security, though we know from first-hand experience that it's pretty tight – and you still want more? Then let us point you to this Television Week item, wherein new MSNBC head Dan Abrams defends his decision not to devote all-out coverage to the North Korea missile situation. His reasoning? Something about not meeting the threshold for a major news event. (You know: Shit's gotta blow up first from him to hit the red button and skip commercial interruptions.) Meanwhile, Abrams also hints at his plants to draw in more viewers: make them a part of the news production process. How?

Mr. Abrams plans to use shots of the control room during broadcasts and make viewers privy to the conversations between anchors and producers, he said.

"It's urgent. It's not fake. It's real," Mr. Abrams said. "In the control room, there is often some degree of chaos. The viewer should see more of the process."

MSBNC will debut Mr. Abrams' experiment with transparency as soon as the network is comfortable with the presentation, he said.

Now, we're not sure how much time Abrams has spent in a control room – or even MSNBC's control room, for that matter – but we've been in there quite a bit, thanks to an internshpi a few summers back. And let us tell you: the viewer needn't be privy to the "shits," "fucks," and the "Go to camera two! Jesus you lazy retards! Go to camera two!'s" just to feel like a part of the story.

Meanwhile, Eat The Press reports even more changes are afoot in Secaucus. Not only is Tucker Carlson moving from 11pm to 4pm, he's also changing program names: Gone is The Situation With Tucker Carlson. In its place: Tucker. How CBS primetime sitcom, we know. The new gimmick is to have the show evince more of Carlson's personality, which means goodbye to most outside correspondent segments — though the back-and-forth with producer will remain (and so too will the dancing?). He'll also be introducing the media watch segment "Beat The Press," because the proper way to revamp a network is engage in such blatant ripping off, even Ann Coulter would crack a smile.

Abrams Defends Missile Coverage [TV Week]
MSNBC: Changes On Tucker's Show, Starting With "Tucker" [ETP]

This week, Glenn Beck give us pointer on losing those last 10 pounds, Anderson Cooper teaches Italian, Dan Abrams bids farewell, and Keith Olbermann literally says "blah, blah, blah." Or, that's just what Intern Wendy heard because when he talks everyone feels like a member of Charlie Brown's gang.

Our cable newscasters may not bring you anything you want to know, need to know, or care about at all, but they sure do make it easy to laugh on a Friday afternoon.

• "It rained earlier this morning when the president was here. The sun has now come out." —Anderson Cooper, Anderson Cooper 360, June 16

• "You know, you don't have to be a backup dancer to know that, you know, the whole freeloading concept worked very well in Beverly Hills, but when you're in a tent in the jungle, not so good, right?" —Brian Unger, revealing why Kevin Federline won't go to Namibia, Countdown, June 16

• "Haven't decided yet what's going to replace it, but hopefully it will be a more interesting, more compelling program that even more people will watch." —Dan Abrams, happily cancelling his own show, The Abrams Report, June 16

• "Ciao. Grazie. Grazie. That's what I feel like you should say when you're riding a Vespa." —Anderson Cooper, explaining scooter etiquette to Erica Hill, Anderson Cooper 360, June 21

• "So our No. 2 story in the Countdown, the new "American Idol" spin-off, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…premieres on NBC, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Simon Cowell, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, David Hasselhoff crying, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Maria Menounos, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" —Keith Olbermann, summarizing "America's Got Talent," Countdown, June 21

• "Coming up on The Situation, there is nothing cuter than a baby who looks like a pimp, is there?" —Tucker Carlson, no doubt visualizing K-Fed as a baby, The Situation, June 21

• "First, you send me a picture of yourself wearing something, shall we say, really revealing, in a humiliating position. If you don`t hit your target weight, I show your picture on national television just like that. Then I`m going to e-mail the pictures to my list of over 100,000 subscribers on my e-mail. Then I put them on my web site. Then I publish them in my national magazine." —Glenn Beck, detailing his public humiliation diet plan, Glenn Beck, June 22

• "If I actually have a piano playing it really throws me off, because it's in tune." —Connie "it was a joke" Chung, Countdown, June 22