Jack Jordan, the creepy fella who made Uma Thurman almost cry on the witness stand, has been found guilty of stalking and harassing the star after just a day's jury deliberations. On Friday, he told the court, "I think it was a clumsy and poor way of expressing my emotions for her. I had a longing for her. In retrospect, suicide [which he once threatened via email to Thurman's father] is a serious thing." He faces up to a year behind bars, where only a Netflix subscription can put him close to his true love.

• Freeloader Kevin Federline finally found his purpose in life: to save the freakin' penny. [Scoop]

• Yeah, we can imagine how a 6 foot blonde bombshell would have a little trouble keeping a low profile in Jeruselum. [Page Six]

• Nicole Kidman's rep says she isn't pregnant, because she's so religious. She also has burning photos of Angelina Jolie all over the house.. [R&M]

• Heidi Klum and Seal are having another baby. We just love watching her balloon into prego state and then go back to a size 0 four days after popping out her kid. [Us Weekly]

• She said it once and she'll say it again — Keira Knightley prefers to do it with British guys who can say her name right. [People]

It's not our favorite thing to do (mostly because we prefer to listen to ourselves talk) but sometimes something is written somewhere, and summing it up just doesn't do the story justice. Today's Rush & Molloy is an example of one of those times.

In a new book about LSD and its "frontier man" Timothy Leary, a bio by the same name reveals that Uma Thurman's mom, former supermodel Nena von Schlebrugge, had quite an eventful first marriage.

Their Millbrook nuptials were a "phantasmagoric, magical mystery tour, the first real big coming-out party for all the A-list, jet-set, high-fashion beautiful people from New York who had recently discovered LSD," writes Greenfield. "Guests lined up to present the newlyweds with hash, grass and psychedelic mushrooms, as well as snuffboxes filled with LSD and cocaine." The wedding cake was crowned with the Hindu deities Shakti and Siva having sex.

The honeymooners headed to India, where they "ate psychedelic mushrooms to imprint a kabuki performance" on their memories. But it wasn't long before the marriage began unraveling. They took LSD once more to try to mend it. The drugs only made Leary flip out, says Greenfield. The pair called it quits, divorcing in 1965, a few months after returning to the United States.

Should somebody tell Britney Spears that we may have found a solution to her marriage woes?

A portrait of Uma's mom, etched in acid [Rush & Molloy, New York Daily News]

• Bulimia is a handy little plot device — but we're over it. Today's most compelling stories need to focus on crack and lies to make for good reading material. [NYDN]

• Either there is secretly something wrong with Uma Thurman or she just keeps picking guys who won't settle down. [Page Six]

• Britney Spears is so determined to have the most babies in Hollywood, she doesn't even break for tummy tucks between spawns. [Page Six]

• Brad Pitt isn't man enough for Angelina Jolie. She would like a little more woman, too. [National Alleger]

• Beware of flying objects around Fashion Avenue; Santino may be still be throwing a fit over this season's Project Runway winner, Chloe Dao. [MSNBC]

• Great. Courtney Love was keeping the prices down in SoHo, but now that she's gone, 30 Crosby Street won't be a crack house anymore. [NYO]

• Paris Hilton is banned from going within 100 yards of Brian Quintana. Unless, of course, they're at a party, in which case universal law requires everyone stay the fuck away from her. [People]

• Good thing we have Lloyd Grove to protect celebrities from invasive overexposure. [Lowdown]

• Bruce Willis is willing to do whatever it takes to rid Columbia of drugs. Even if it means going there and snorting up all the cocaine himself. [The Scoop]

• Power couple Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs have called it quits. Just as well, though — his Chateau Marmont has basically turned into a brothel. [Page Six]

• Keira Knightley, Uma Thurman, and Jennifer Lopez all traded in their Valentino dresses at the last minute. Even more shocking, Tom Ford didn't stick his tongue in Keira's ear until she succumbed to wearing him. [NYP]

• Brokeback Mountain may have done alright at Sundance, but Hollywood likes to keep the winners in the multiracial heterosexual family. [NYT]

• Chloe Sevigny loves the gossip and the tabloids … probably because she's never actually in them. [Page Six]

• At 44, Christopher Reeve's widow Dana Reeve dies of lung cancer. [CNN]

• Lloyd Grove makes it through an Oscar Awards party without crying over Rush & Molloy getting the better scoop. [Lowdown]

• Celeb PR reps can't rescue their clients from anorexia, STDs, or blogs. [Guardian]

• Battle of the exclusives: People: Brittany Murphy is engaged, Us Weekly: Elisabeth Shue pregnant. Don't celebrities do anything else besides get married, have babies, and pole dance? [People, Us Weekly]

• Courtney Love doesn't understand why drugs didn't get her into Vanity Fair. Um, because she's disgusting, maybe? [Page Six]

• Paging David Amsden — a club full of underage girls awaits your reporting/drink spiking skills. [NYT]

• PoweR Girl Lizzie Grubman dumps partner Jonathan Cheban after he tries to sell her out. Dude, we would not fuck with a girl who runs people down with her SUV and lives to laugh about it. [Gawker]

• In her In Style interview, Uma Thurman proves that she's gotten really, really boring. [NYDN]

• Burn! Jennifer Aniston toasts a glass, some marshmallows, and her wedding dress. [Page Six]

• No, silly, "professional drink holder" is not a fancy name for bartender. It is the actually title of the person who gets paid to hold Mariah Carey's drinks. Getting paid to blog doesn't look so stupid now, does it? [The Scoop]

• Turns out Joaquin Pheonix isn't the only celeb who takes their character roles seriously - ex-Sopranos stars are now whacking cops. [People]

• In a fit of jealousy over Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's baby Violet, Jennifer Lopez decides she wants to ruin her longest running marriage with a screaming bundle of her own. [Star]

• Madonna pulls an ass shakin' Pussycat Dolls move on Andre Balazs. Why doesn't Uma Thurman care? Because she knows that her boyfriend doesn't J-Date. [Lowdown]