Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
Despite their big dreams, roster of celebrity weekly expatriates and highly unrealistic goals of chipping away at the Sunday Times' readership, Page Six Magazine hasn't made nearly as much of a splash with readers—or potential advertisers—as they would have liked.
And because a friend in need is a friend indeed, we've decided to take some time out of our busy schedule to offer them some helpful unsolicited advice. Read on, loyal Sixers, and we'll tell you everything we know about how not to blow a major magazine launch the first, second or even third time around.
Sometimes, after we've just eaten lunch and are dangerously close to falling into a late-afternoon "food coma," we'll take a few minutes to relax, revamp and indulge our secret new hobby: perusing the advice columns and taking a small, private satisfaction in knowing there are people out there in the world who are much, much crazier than we are.
Today's findings, however, were particularly enjoyable. We found ourselves drawn to the Dear Prudence section of Slate, and this week, "Prudie" really had her work cut out for her.
Nutjob #1 isn't sure whether or not her co-worker's creepy comments of "I could just stand here and smell you all day," and "Your smell is what gets me through the day" constitute sexual harassment. [Spoiler: They do!]
But it's Nutjob #2 who really gripped our attention.
Sick of sitting back and watching Katie Couric flounder over at CBS, The Plain Dealer reporter Michael Heaton has come up with a list of "10 surefire tips to reverse the precipitous plunge in ratings."
1. Every Wednesday, do the news with hand puppets. (Attracts younger viewers.)
2. Hire a special correspondent: Sanjaya.
3. Reignite your feud with Bryant Gumbel.
4. Sign off each night with the word "ramalamadingdong" then refuse to discuss its deep personal significance to you, thereby setting off a firestorm of speculation.
5. Cry.
6. Wear a fedora with a PRESS card tucked in the band.
7. Ask Oprah to do the weather.
8. Whittle a piece of wood with a pocket knife while delivering the news.
9. Try a French accent.
10. Give every viewer a new car.
While we admire Heaton's efforts, we can't help but notice he's overlooked one or two useful tips that might help everyone's favorite third-placed new anchor. Fortunately, we've compiled a list of our own for Katie to peruse at her leisure.
Todd Thomson and his wife, Melissa, could use more than a second honeymoon right about now.
The recently axed Citigroup exec has been grabbing headlines for all the wrong reasons, with everyone from Page Six to the Wall Street Journal insinuating that his jetsetting relationship with "Money Honey" Maria Bartiromo was something more than platonic, and chiding him for his over-the-top extravagances, (i.e. his luxe former office, "derisively dubbed 'The Todd Mahal.'")
And now, it's being reported that Thomson and his wife have disappeared on a possibly romantic, possibly horribly awkward and definitely ill-timed vacay up in the mountains.
So, with things spiraling out of control, we decided to write an open letter to Todd offering our unsolicited advice for his myriad of problems, and reprinted it for you below:
Dear Todd,
Not sure if disappearing with your wife to a remote cabin is really the proper course of action here. Most husbands/philanderers in your position would either flee in terror, or else stick to very, very public places lest their wives pull a Lorena Bobbitt and lash out at them for their indiscretions. (Haha, we're only kidding! Probably).
And while we're on the subject of discretion, maybe you ought to reconsider the whole chartering a private jet for your possibly adulteress companion modus operandi. As we already learned from Scott Storch's failure to land Lindsay "Sure Thing" Lohan, grand overtures won't necessarily get you the girl, but they will bring extremely public attention to your failure, and—in your case—clue your wife in to the fact that you've been hiding the sausage somewhere else.
Oh, and also? You might want to work on that whole humility thing. Because, as it turns out, people generally don't feel sorry for jackasses who cheat on their wives by banging television news celebrities on the desk of "The Todd Mahal."
Hope this helps!
Jossip
Let us know if we missed anything.
Editorial Director
