As Google Docs told me this morning, it's Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day isn't a big deal, but it is a reminder that when I go to sleep at 9:30pm on a Saturday night–which only happened once, after a long day at a Russian bathhouse–no one really notices.

Last time I visited my grandmother in Florida, she asked me what my type was. Rich and tall is trite, right? I kid, I kid. I don't even have a type. So I decided to be proactive and look through men's magazines to figure out what I'm looking for. What I learned? Men are idiots. After the jump, my brief flings with Details, Maxim, Men's Vogue, GQ and Esquire.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day!- raronauer

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A VALENTINE'S DAY SURVEY WORTH TAKING In terms of masturbating, most people think of Valentine's Day as any other day. [Fitted Sweatpants]

Outside of Trisha and Ryan, no one takes Valentine's Day seriously. It's a Hallmark holiday, and everyone knows it. The thing is, it's a lot easier to enjoy V-Day ironically when someone sees you naked regularly. But to remind you that being single isn't so bad, we bring you "Douches In The Mist," real quotes from online dating profiles.

Also* from Jdate:

I certainly come with a lot of baggage.. but don't worry ladies.. its Louis Vuitton type baggage. I am looking for a dare to be great situation. I only respond to emails from girls who have at least 2 languages other than English listed in their profile and you must be in the top 10 most popular in your Region——- I am not going to the Hall of Fame but I had a decent run ..Here are the *highlights*.. 4 different girls;3 of them were at one time ranked in the top 5 for most popular in NYC .. all but one led to a second date and I seriously dated 2 of them for a period of time.I'm hanging around for a bit longer because there is this one girl who won't write me back and the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily (what an awesome princess bride reference )… Please have a halloween picture available to show me.. (NO GIRLS IN YANKEE SHIRTS) .. Oh and don't be that girl who has some sort of disclaimer in her profile that goes something like : my friend is making me try this out.. or my mom suggested I give it a shot .. or I heard blah blah

My perfect first date:
I happen to know very nice places for wine flights and tapas I can order in French or Spanish if it will impress you. but we can just do fun stuff .Drinks, Ice Cream and Ice Skating or Coloring Books and Cocoa Something fun and social is all thats really important. have tried sushi b/c its a social first date ya know you are using your hands.. but I don't care for sushi.. so thats out….. Do you know about saved by the bell hit me with your best triva question.

*Damn demographics!

Google Docs is here to remind you:

Thanks, Google! Without you, we may have forgotten all about our fear of dying alone.

Outside of Trisha and Ryan, no one takes Valentine's Day seriously. It's a Hallmark holiday, and everyone knows it. The thing is, it's a lot easier to enjoy V-Day ironically when someone sees you naked regularly. But to remind you that being single isn't so bad, we bring you "Douches In The Mist," real quotes from online dating profiles.

From Jdate:

1st off!!!!!!!…Please don't bother using the "flirt" feature. Send me an original message. If your account doesn't have that capability…Get a real account!!!!!!! haha. I'm an outgoing, energetic, fun-loving guy. Comedy is HUGE with me, so come with a good sense of humor! I love sitting at a great restaurant, saturday afternoons washington square park, enjoying the nightlife NYC has to offer after a long week of work. People ask me how I have so much energy, my reply… how do you have so little??? I love to entertain but could very well just sit and watch a good movie. I love a good road trip to the beach, or up north for skiing…wow…thats totally not true…haha..i mean like the beach, and i like skiing, but i def don't do either of them often!!! lol. I'm ambitious and driven. I'm not afraid to speak in front of 200 strangers. I love to make people open up and get out of their shells. I can be predictable, yet extremely spontaneous. Bottom line…you've signed up for JDate, you've paid your dues, you've stepped up to the plate…now swing the bat, stop being so timid, and have fun! I consider myself pretty open minded. "You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do". (Henry Ford)

Clearly, the way into a Jewish girl's heart is to quote a noted anti-Semite.

Spotted any douches lately? Let us know.

Is there pressure of Valentine's Day keeping you down? Are you worried that you won't 'rise to the occasion' this February 14th? Have you been feeling insecure about your tiny, flaccid penis, and inability to sustain an erection?

If so, then tomorrow's a lucky day for you and your sex-starved wives/mistresses, because Pfizer is implementing a well-timed promotion for OTC Viagra!

LONDON (Reuters) - Men will be able to buy impotence treatment Viagra over the counter in Britain for the first time from Valentine's Day, chemist chain Alliance Boots said on Sunday.

Three Manchester Boots pharmacies will sell the prescription-only medication made by U.S. drugs group Pfizer in a pilot program from February 14.

Men aged between 30 and 65 suffering from erectile dysfunction will be able to buy four Viagra pills for 50 pounds ($97) without having to get a prescription from a doctor first.

Next up on the Brits' Ultimate Wishlist: Complimentary dental work, in honor of Easter Sunday.

• A fake Radiohead show in Las Vegas sold out within minutes. And those metro emo fans really didn't want the topless girls dinner show. [ProductshopNYC]

• American Idol's executive producer has some criticisms for his faithful judges (apparently a few of which center around learning words other than "good" and "bad".) Hey, no one expects genius from Paula Abdul. [Lowdown]

&bul; Here are some suggestions from stars about what to put on that Valentine's Day Mix. That is, if Jason Bigg doesn't totally ruin the moment for you. [MTV]

• Madonna wears the same clothes every day. And the same leotards every night. [TMZ]

• Britney Spears covering Mardi Gras and Hilary Duff working for NASCAR? Can't these teen pop singers start doing something worth caring about? You know, like teaching their seven-month-old to drive, or getting their teeth capped? [Rolling Stone]

Valentine's Day, for some, is the worst day ever. Because they are alone, depressed, upping their Xanax intakes, whatever. But, if you've recently been dumped, the New York Post reviews a book the will help land you in jail for stalking your ex.

According to "It's Not Me, It's You: The Ultimate Breakup Book," you don't have to cheer up, realize you're better off without him, get back on the dating scene, or any of those other single-gal cliches.

Instead, the authors encourage full-on wallowing: Take to your bed! Smoke a carton of cigarettes! Hone your cyber-stalking skills!

Cancer and restraining orders are not the way to go. Plus, we really hope you won't take advice from a newspaper that runs all their headlines in Elmer Fudd talk.

WALLOWING IN THE GLORY OF A BREAKUP THIS VALENTINE'S [Sara Stewart, New York Post]

Like most New Yorkers, you're probably spending your Valentine's Day tomorrow with a bottle of Korbel and The L Word reruns. Luckily, from the vast depths of flack-happy chatter that is our email inbox arrived a press release annoucing Nicole Richie's plans to run around New York pitching her weight (14 ounces, at last Caroline Rhea-hosted weigh in) in Diet Dr. Pepper.

Yes, the skeletite is marketing a product that has zero calories on a holiday that reminds even the casual Us Weekly reader of her breakup with DJ AM. Nevertheless, we're bound to relay any press release that labels Nicole Richie a "Hollywood sweetheart," even if this news broke last week.

The Diet Dr Pepper National Sampling Blitz is one of the largest beverage sampling initiatives ever, blanketing the country with enough free full-size cans, fountain drinks and other giveaways for every person in America. Diet Dr Pepper will be popping up in some expected and unexpected places.

So "unexpected," in fact, that they'll even tell you where these places are (and, drum roll, our news peg)!

11:30 am — Sampling Stop #1 at Astor Plaza (8th & Broadway)

12:45 pm — Sampling Stop #2 at 3rd & 6th Ave

Full press release, after the jump.

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