• Bono and Nicholas Cage have never looked so…heavenly!

&bul; Ewan McGregor needs lots of jock support.

• Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson to join forces on overbudgeted Hollywood extravaganza.

• For Vanessa Minnillo, hanging out with boyfriend Nick Lachey is no day at the beach.

• David Hasselhoff is really sorry that he got drunk and lost custody of his daughter devoured a hamburger without pausing to grab utensils.

• Thanks a lot Kelly Clarkson. Now we have to see an entire VMA show with no Gwen Stefani. And what's the point of that? [Page Six]

• We think about Michael Bloomberg singing Shakira’s “My Hips Don’t Lie,” and the child inside of us dies. Thankfully. It's better to die than experience that. [NYDN]

• DMX finally returns, bringing along with him, the worst album title since William Hung’s “Hung for the Holidays” [Houston Press]

• You know Eminem is really bad when it causes a girl to write about him in her MySpace blog. [TMZ]

• We wonder what act of sexual deviance Vanessa Minnillo allowed Nick Lachey to perform to get him to forget about his ex-wife in just a week. [Page Six]

Every wish you could you watch Jessica Simpson give head? Yeah, us neither. However, we do find this version of her slobbering all over an ice cream cone in the fashion of fellatio a bit telling. Too bad Star never clued us in on this troubled aspect of her and Nick Lachey's marriage.

And while our heart goes out to Nick for seemingly having to endure this himself for a few years, we would also like to take this opportunity to disprove Christopher Hitchens' theories about all-American gals and blow jobs.