Vincent Gallo is that weird little bug-eyed man who made one good movie (not Brown Bunny), convinced Chloë Sevigny to S his D on-camera, and then tried to sell his sperm online for a million dollars.

Oh, also the dude loves Ronald Reagan and George Bush. Ironically? Who knows.

So it's only natural that Gallo wants to be taken seriously as a professional and will flip out if you crack wise about his apparel choices:

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'The Brown Bunny' is an ultra-low-budget film. With that in mind, the expense to create a prosthetic that could pass on film would be well out of the film's budget, and so far no one has come close to making such a thing pass as real . . . For example, Mark Wahlberg's rubber [organ in 'Boogie Nights'] was far from realistic and was only seen for a few seconds. If one wasn't blinded by jealousy, it would be easy to tell [my] scene was real. Chloe Sevigny herself has publicly said the scene involved us performing real sex.

Why then does Scheck promote doubt about the scene's authentic nature? I speculate it's because Mr. Scheck most likely has a very small, ugly penis and needs to believe that only in make-believe does anyone have one like mine!

Tell that hack to convince his mother, sister or wife to let me give it to her . . . and then she can report back to little Frank if she thought [it was fake].

–A not-at-all crazy email missive sent to Page Six by exhibitionist-slash-director Vincent Gallo

• Lindsay Lohan needs to purge her email address book, because everyone of those notes gets leaked.

• Vincent Gallo increases rate to sex you.

• Mary-Kate Olsen, soon to be seen as a decoy on Dateline: To Catch a Predator.

• If Lindsay Lohan can go a week without a drink, surely Paris Hilton can go six months without sex.

• Disgraced and soon-to-be-former Miss USA Tara Conner spends one last drunken evening with her tiara.

• One weekend of padding anti-Semites was enough for America: Mel Gibson's Apocalypto nose dived during week two.

• Lance Bass ditches Reichen Lehmkuhl for, ahem, Janice Dickinson and Jai Rodriguez.

• Page Six continues its Blood Diamonds publicity tour. [P6]

• Vincent Gallo scores at coming across as a racist and a creepy old guy preying on teens in the same breath. [P6]

• Ashton Kutcher is about to throw down on Lindsay Lohan for corrupting step-daughter Rumer Willis. Or at least Life & Style would have you believe that. [Scoop]

• An Oprah audience remembers reports on the Madonna show taping, where the pop princess confesses she's bewildered by the media attention her adoption received. And pissed the same media attention might ruin it. [ABC News]

• Law & Order's "ripped from the headlines" theme might've gone a little too far with having a character named "Elizabeth Hassenback" – quite close to View host Elisabeth Hasselback – raped and murdered. [NYP]

• Rosie O'Donnell, gossip blogger. [Planet Gossip]

• Finally, a non-depressing explanation for why bloggers are never sober. [Blogebrity]

• Maybe Graydon Carter changed his mind. Or, maybe Radar was just wrong. Either way, neither would be a first. [FBNY]

• Ok, an ok word for an Arianna Huffington entourage would be "Ari-entourage." But, come on … "Arianntourage" anyone? [The Phoenix]

• Jessica Simpson got her hair did … but she forgot about the "get yer nails done" part. [OAN]

• What you don't know about Vincent Gallo can't hurt you. And this new information hurts, so click at your own risk. [Oh No They Didn't]

• These guys are definitely making a case for more women to be in government. If only Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey didn't have to make it sohard for the gays. [Wonkette]

• Anna Wintour gets an anglotastic day at Vogue. And we are supposed to figure out how this is different from any other day at Conde Nast? [WWD]

• Kate Beckinsale has "fat ass" days, in which she doesn't leave the house. Um, we don't think that's a very good role model for Nicole Richie to have right now. [Mirrorl

• What is it with guys thinking their sperm is worth millions of dollars? Nobody wants Vincent Gallo's tasteless, racist baby. At least not without the best part of baby making. [Page Six]

• We know that being a celebrity is oh so very hard, but Liz Hurley needs to shut it. There are people in Queens who can't even afford vacays, bitch. [The Scoop]

• How un-shocked are you that Tommy Lee's picking up chicks at the Adult Video News Awards? [Page Six]

• Looks like it's Home Alone for Britney Spears. Following in Shar Jackson's footsteps, the pop tart is bringing up baby while rapper wanna-be K-Fed is out partying on Brit's dime. [Page Six]

• Martha Stewart is unloading a turkey, and (unfortunately) it's not her Apprentice spin-off. The domestic diva is selling her Turkey Hill estate, because she "hardly ever goes there." [Page Six]

• Joining the ranks of the Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary and the Fish Stick Jesus on eBay: Vincent Gallo's sperm. For a mere $1 million bucks, and if you're a nice blonde Jewish girl, you can bear Gallo's spawn, according to the "sperm owner." Which almost explains how Katie Holmes got pregnant. [R&M]

• Celebrity porn peddler Marty Singer can play both sides of the fence, so long as there's a fat check on his end. Back in '03, you could find him batting for Rick Salomon in his attempts to sell One Night In Paris, fighting off the Hilton's legal team. But now he's fending for Colin Farrell, battling Playboy Playmate Nicole Narrain over the duo's X-rated footage. [Page Six]

• Cheryl Tiegs finally managed to "give birth" to twins five years ago, but now, thanks to a bitter custody battle, she's not even allowed to talk about them, let alone to them. [Page Six]

• If the paparazzi are stalking Foxy Brown, the rapper doesn't want anything to do with them. If they're not stalking her, you bet your ass she'll run in heels to get in front of the camera. [Lowdown]

• $10 million for the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite? That wasn't sweet enough for the film's creator Jared Hess, who would obviously rather go rent some DVDs. [Page Six]

• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake will reportedly touch down in Hawaii for their private wedding, giving new meaning to the "Ring of Fire." [Star]