Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

Three years ago, my husband announced that he had been having an affair for some time and was leaving me, our newborn daughter, and our son. After having somewhat recovered from this life-changing experience, we divorced, and he married this other woman. He gets to see the children regularly, as we still live in the same town. Since then, my daughter has been calling this other woman (we'll call her "Lori") "Mama Lori." She refers to me as "Mama Rosalind." I correct her constantly, and she eventually starts calling me "Mom" again after coming back from visits with her father. But she continues to refer to his new wife as Mama Lori, even though I've tried telling her that I don't know that person or just ignoring her comment until she uses the woman's first name only. My 7-year-old son even corrects my daughter. I have made it clear to both my ex-husband and his new wife that I am not happy with her referring to either of us in this fashion. My ex assures me that his wife understands my feelings, being a mother herself, and that my concerns are unfounded. I have asked repeatedly for them to remedy the situation, to no avail. Any advice?

—Just Mommy

What you should do:

Divorce is hard for a child. Having your daughter create maternal ties with you husband's new wife may be unpleasant for you, but it shows she adapting well to a difficult situation. Let her call Rosalind whatever she wants.

What you will do:

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

I am a first-time mother to a beautiful 11-week-old boy. Right after having him, I was visited in my hospital room by a "lactation consultant." This person pulled out my chart without asking me and said, "I see you had a breast reduction done 10 years ago. That was extremely selfish of you." She then started in on why breast-feeding is the only way. I cried, thinking myself the worst mother in the world. (The breast reduction was a medical necessity.) I have been approached in the grocery store and other places by strangers demanding to know if I am breast-feeding. I have been yelled at by strangers when they see a bottle in my son's car seat. I am being bombarded by unwanted literature on breast-feeding by certain family members. I am simply unable to breast-feed, and my son is on the best formula. There are very few things worse than being made to feel like you are a bad parent, when in reality my son is thriving. What should I say?

What You Should Do:
Tell them to fuck off. Who cares what they think? You’re doing a great job as a mom. Don’t let them get to you.

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

My live-in boyfriend and I have been together for more than four years. We are both in our late 20s, very much in love, best friends, and have an amazing time together—so much so that even grocery shopping is hilarious. We share the same goals and interests, and have challenging, engaging conversations. However, he doesn't bathe on a regular basis. And by that, I mean, he bathes every three weeks to once a month. I've tried to talk with him about his poor personal hygiene, but have made little headway. I've been blunt and angry, encouraging and sensitive, but, lately, I've mostly given up. On his side of the bed, our headboard and sheets have become stained with his body oils (imagine a used bag of french fries). I don't want to leave him, but I'm tired of it. I don't want to live with a dirty person for the rest of my life, and I don't want my kids growing up unbathed because their daddy refuses to. Could this be a personal-growth issue? What can I do?

What You Should Do:

Stop making up questions and sending them to Slate.

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

I'm a 30-year-old male who suffered from extremely bad acne during my teenage years and into my 20s. As a result, I never had a girlfriend, and never experienced all the things that someone should during those years (first kiss, love, sex, etc.). Now that I'm older and the acne has cleared up, and I have enough confidence in my appearance to start dating, I've developed a new problem. I've become very self-conscious of the fact that I have no clue how to start a relationship, be intimate, all the things that I should have learned during my formative years. How do you propose I get over this? Do I just be upfront with a woman after two or three dates regarding my lack of experience and hope she doesn't laugh? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and hope I can figure things out on the fly?

—30-Year-Old Virgin

What You Should Do:

Don’t sweat it. Most girls would take a 30-YOV to HPV any time. Take your time, and if and when your inexperience comes up, discuss it honestly. The more comfortable you are with the situation, the less uncomfortable the situation will be.

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

I met a great guy at a board-game party, and we really hit it off. There was a lot of one-on-one interaction, joking, and flirtation between the two of us. When he knew the answers, he'd whisper them to me, when I knew, I'd whisper them to him, our knees and arms were touching most of the night, and he even grasped my hand at one point. My two girlfriends even noticed, and after we'd left, they said that the flirtation was completely mutual. The guy came with us to the door when we left, and asked if I had any plans for the rest of the weekend. I said I didn't. I was sure he was going to ask for my number or suggest plans for later, but he didn't (granted, the window of time was not enormous as I headed out the door), and I'm really disappointed. I'm 26, so I've had my share of dating experiences, and I've concluded I generally like for the guy to take the initiative in the beginning. Is this misguided? I just think I've gotten better results when the guy takes the lead (or at least thinks he does!). Is there any way to still salvage this initial spark?

—Wishing for a "Closer"

What You Should Do:

Leave it alone. He'll call you if he's interested.

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Prudence:

I'm 24, and I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. We were friends in high school, then met again after college, and started living together almost immediately. We have been talking about marriage lately, which I am beyond excited about; however, my boyfriend has informed me that I need to lose 20 pounds before he will propose. He claims that's the only reason he hasn't asked me yet. In his words, he wants "a hot wife." Am I crazy to think that unconditional and true love still exists? Everything else in our relationship is great. I don't want to walk away from something so wonderful, but this just seems a little ridiculous. Help!

—In Love With Mr. Vain

What You Should Do:

Leave him.

What You Will Do:

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Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.

From Dear Abby:

"Wilbur" and I have been together for 25 years, married for nine. During that time we have been through almost everything.
Abby, I am disappointed in the man Wilbur has turned out to be. He does nothing around the house. He does hold a job, but that's the beginning and the end of it. On top of that, Wilbur shows me no affection. He doesn't hug or kiss me, and he sleeps with a pillow between us. I realize he was never very lovey-dovey, but now there is no affection at all.
I dream about being close to a man, having a companion with whom to enjoy things in life — simple things like going for coffee together after walking through a flea market holding hands.

Our lives have been intertwined for a quarter of a century. I feel there's nowhere for me to go. How does someone in my situation find happiness?

What You Should:

Either leave him or get a vibrator. We hear good things about the silver bullet.

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