Tucker producer-slash-on air talent Willie Geist leads us into Father's Day weekend with a ZeitGeist (get it?!) video about Fathers of the Year. Making the list: Alec Baldwin, Brad Pitt, and the guy on Dateline's To Catch a Predator who brought his own kid to a hookup.

Our honorable mention: Willie Geist, who, we hear, could be just moments away from becoming a first-time father himself.

One of the favorite personalities in all of cable newsdom for Cable Newsdom Correspondent Wendy is, of course, Will Geist. He's the Tucker producer who seems to snag as much screentime as the bowtie-free host. And when he's waxing on colleague Rita Cosby, why wouldn't he be sat in front of the camera?

• "We do not want Rita to go, but if she had to go, we know she throws a good party. And you know who I met? Randy Jones, the original cowboy from the Village People. So that is . . . the best reason why you should have been there." —Willie Geist, dazzled by Rita Cosby's social circle, Tucker, April 2

• "But it will be ugly, it will be wild, and it will be tasteless. That is one thing you can be assured of definitely." —Willie Geist, eagerly anticipating the opening of the Girls Gone Wild restaurant chain, Tucker, April 2

• “Now this seems a little ridiculous on its face, but if you look at the big picture, Sanjaya obviously someday is going to be sleeping under an underpass somewhere, and this little KFC lifetime supply might come in handy.“ —Willie Geist, pondering Sanjaya Malaker's future, Tucker, April 3

• "It was mainly church and Pez were the two things that we had on Easter . . . I was never whipped once by a stranger in a devil costume." —Willie Geist, hoping the Easter Bunny is a dominatrix, Tucker, April 4

• "He does not deserve a white suit, either, by the way. Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize are the only two who can pull that look off." —Willie Geist, dissing Sanjaya Malakar's fashion sense, Tucker, April 4

When you're having a bad week, sometimes looking at the moronic quotes of cable newscasters can make you feel better. Seriously. It's getting pretty chilly out there, meaning Intern Wendy almost reveled in the hours spent curling up in front of the fire, glass of wine in hand, learning tips on robbery from Bill O'Reilly and enjoying the insightful film suggestions of Tucker Carlson. Really, few things in life are better than this.

• “The first Jackass is the greatest film honestly I think I've ever seen in my entire life.” —Tucker Carlson, film buff, Tucker, September 25

• “You know, you steal a video camera in New York. They don’t even give you a ticket.” —Bill O’Reilly, on what he does in his off hours, The O’Reilly Factor, September 25

• “I just liked him because he flipped you off on the air last week.” —Willie Geist, choosing friends by if they give Tucker Carlson the bird, Tucker, September 26

• “You have to buy this. I‘ve got Cipro bills to pay.” —Keith Olbermann, giving the only reason you should buy his new book, Countdown, September 27

• “But Dustin Diamond, I have to say, isn‘t that already a porn star name? He was destined to be a porn star.” —Katrina Szish, giving career advice to former child star Dustin “Screech” Diamond, Scarborough Country, September 27

• “Greta Van Susteren is very friendly with Bill Clinton because of her husband. Alan Colmes adores Bill Clinton and would be his valet. Shep Smith never says anything politically one way or the other.” —Bill O’Reilly, trying to out Shepard Smith as a Republican, The O’Reilly Factor, September 27

• “When you look at yourself there, do you look weird to yourself?” —Larry King, hoping Clay Aiken can relate, Larry King Live, Sepetmber 27

We know that nothing happens on Tuesdays. Which is why we tie Intern Wendy to her recliner and force her to log hours and hours of Cable Quotables. Just so you can enjoy the babbling of Bill O'Reilly, Nancy Grace, and Larry King. We bet your boss won't look so bad after this week's dose.

• "Then a week from tomorrow I'll be on the Jay Leno program out in L.A. Now, we always like to have "Factor" people in the audience there, just to reassure Jay that I'm an OK guy." —Bill O'Reilly, wanting to see at least one friendly face, The O'Reilly Factor, September 21

• "O‘Reilly said he gets death threats each day, most of those, of course, coming from members of his own staff." —Willie Geist, on why Osama bin Laden's Fatwa on Bill O'Reilly is no biggie, Tucker, September 21

• "You know, you get the fast cars, fast women, best-selling author, but until you make the al Qaeda hit list, you‘re not really somebody." —Roger Cressey, explaining why Bobby Brown is still relevant, Scarborough Country, September 21

• "I've been trying to put a finger on exactly what`s been missing from my sermons at my church, and I think the fun part about chanting death to other countries at the end, I think that`s what we`re missing." Glenn Beck, longing to be a religious fanatic, Glenn Beck, September 21

• "Are all the leaders we're discussing Black? Black, are they Black?" Larry King, labeling Stedman Graham while asking about his book "Diversity, Leaders not Labels", Larry King Live, September 21

• "So making your mark is a good thing. One exception, dogs and furniture, I suppose." Anderson Cooper, leaving his magic mark, Anderson Cooper 360, September 22

• " . . . you could say that, I would guess, about 80 percent of the people in Manhattan are on anti-depressants, all right? And they are not falling over in the hospital, dead. I don`t see it." Nancy Grace, knowing her statistics just a little too well, Nancy Grace, September 22

• "Wait a minute. You read the whole speech?" Eric Burns, baffled why anyone would read Pope Benedict XVI's speeches, Fox News Watch, September 23

Even though Tucker Carlson is fading rapidly from popular culture and Nancy Grace is driving her guests to suicide, Intern Wendy has still worked diligently all week to put together this week's list of Cable Quotables. It's totally worth reading this round, if only to revel in the fact that Bill O'Reilly wants to send himself to Gitmo.

• "I mean, you`re — I mean, you`re like way over that. Let me ask you this way. Nobody really wants to talk to you at parties, do they?" —Glenn Beck, bonding with Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings, Glenn Beck, September 14

• "And I noticed, Bethany, in her blogging — I call them e-mails — her blogging, she talks about how a lot of you — and we can`t confirm this is her blog. I mean, she's dead and gone now." —Nancy Grace, showing her grief about Melinda Duckett's death, Nancy Grace, September 14

• Right now in Guantanamo Bay, detainees are allowed eight hours of sleep, three meals a day, two hours of outside exercises daily, and a bevy of entertainment and religious options." Bill O'Reilly, revealing his next vacation, The O'Reilly Factor, September 15

• "Even if you're playing Hitler, you have to find an inner thing to like him." —Larry King, finding his inner Fuehrer, Larry King Live, September 15

• "Well, it‘s kind of like me trying to act, you know? I‘m pretty good in those skits, though, aren‘t I?" —Joe Scarborough, sharing what he has in common with George Clooney, Scarborough Country, September 15

• "Well, it sounds a little nutty, Miles, dig a moat or something filled with crocodiles." —Major General Don Sheppard, on how we're really keep Baghdad safe, American Morning, September 18

• "I think Kinky Freidman is the first to give you the finger on the air." —Willie Geist, Tucker, September 18

Thank Jesus it's Friday. It's also Mexican Independence Day. And in between ordering our burrito and hiring armed guards to protect us from the crazed Radar staffers, we put together this week's Cable Quotables, compliments of Intern Wendy. It's hard to laugh when we're still crying over Tucker Carlson's execution from Dancing With the Stars, but Joe Scarborough recounting his douchebaggary helped. Just a little.

• “Here you are at a cat circus with a Russian mute clown. There is a chimpanzee jumping around on the set with you, and I think you are about to see something really special, which is Tiny Kiss, and there they are. That‘s a Kiss cover band of drunken little people." —Willie Geist, reminiscing about all the ways Tucker Carlson’s humiliated himself, Tucker, September 12

• “I said, What—he called me a blank-bag. My son said, yes, that was cool, wasn‘t it.” —Joe Scarborough, on how Jon Stewart captured his son's dream of calling him a douche, Scarborough Country, September 12

• “Regis earned my eternal respect because he chewed gum out of my mouth. He took gum out of my mouth and put it in his mouth and chewed it.” —Jimmy Kimmel, on how desperate Regis Philbin is for fans, Showbiz Tonight, September 12

•“You get a dog to lick your child‘s crotch and that‘s good? How long before child protective services shows up, I wonder? How many more Views before the state comes in and does something about it?” —Tucker Carlson, grossed out by Rosie O’Donnell diaper rash cure, Tucker, September 13

• “She tells me about your butt a lot in the MSNBC commissary, but I didn‘t know she was going to go public with that.” —Willie Geist, revealing Rita Cosby’s booty lust, Tucker, September 13

• “I am not a sex symbol! Shop showing my ass on TV!” —Bruno Tonoli, wanting to be known for his brain, Tucker, September 14

• “Perhaps you are an egomaniac.” —Tanika Ray, swimming in Tucker Carlson’s river of denial, Tucker, September 14

Before Tucker Carlson was the star of Dancing with the Stars, he was the star of Cable Quotables. And some TV shows and stuff. We know we were supposed to run Intern Wendy's round-up yesterday, but, well, we couldn't stop giggling long enough to post it.

This week, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Glenn Back prove there's only one thing their mind. Yup, it's the same thing that's always on Joe Francis'.

• "Ruh-roh! Changing a story. You know what? There's nothing like telling the police you're up in a tree outside the victim's window, masturbating, to get you off the hook on a murder case." —Nancy Grace, offering a time tested alibi, Nancy Grace, September 7

• "We're back with Pancho Gonzales." —Larry King reveals his petname for Andre Agassi, Larry King Live, September 7

• "Tucker, as long as they're giving away positions to reality show contestants, I think you should be the ambassador to Luxembourg." —Willie Geist, revealing Tucker Carlson's post "Dancing With the Stars" gig, Tucker, September 7

• "But did she tell the cops the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the slutty truth?" —Joe Scarborough, questioning Paris Hilton's honesty, Scarborough Country, September 7

• "I think she likes me now. All I had to say was I'm a drunk and she likes me." —Glenn Beck, on picking up chicks, Glen Beck, September 8

• "I'm sorry to blow your mind, Congressman, but that‘s allowed in this country!" Tucker Carlson, protecting his right to make no sense, Tucker, September 8

Tucker Carlson is getting pretty desperate for votes on regarding his new stint on Dancing With the Stars. (You seriously all better vote for Tucker or you'll have hell to pay when Intern Wendy comes a knockin'.)

Apparently Tucker and his BFF Willie Geist made a few viewers a tad upset when he poked fun at Clay Aiken. Big mistake. That boy has the most die hard fans since Kurt Cobain. Tucker and Willie not only made some off-hand comment about Clay being part of the Bush administration (gasp!) but the showed a photo of Clay with his old hair. The horror!

After the jump, Tucker and Willie's shameless plea for the Claymates to back him and partner Elena Grinenko on their debut tonight. We can't really blame him — they are probably the largest combined force that exists in Reality TV land.

CONTINUED »

This weeks Cable Quotables, courtesy of Intern Wendy, are hilarious. The Dancing With the Stars issues are heating up and Rosie O'Donnell's pubic hair is not amusing anyone. Well, except Barbara Walters.

• “I mean, it’s like I told somebody the other day, I said, it’s like me getting killed by a poodle, you know?” — Jack Hanna, on the real deadly beasts, On the Record, September 5

• “Rosie O‘Donnell taken naked baths with her kids, talking about “her fur.” This violates what we in the news business refer to as the breakfast rule. Anything you put on television or in a newspaper that will spoil someone‘s breakfast is verboten, not allowed, can‘t do it.” — Tucker Carlson, endorsing the "watch Rosie"l diet plan, Tucker, September 5

• “He must be taken down, Tucker.” Willie Geist, warning Tucker Carlson about dancing demon Mario Lopez, Tucker, September 5

• “Well, sir, I can only hope it includes memorabilia and porn movies.” — Nancy Grace, with ideas on how O.J. Simpson can make money, Nancy Grace, September 5

• “So, what is that we’re looking at? What is the curly part and what is—the straight part is the—the sting…” Anderson Cooper, getting his "straight parts" all lined up, Anderson Cooper 360, September 5

• “I had to pay to get a cup of coffee in the judge`s chambers. They have a little styrofoam cup. And if you wanted a cup of coffee, you darn well better pay, OK? And it was bad coffee, too.” Nancy Grace, inadvertently pimping for Starbucks, Nancy Grace, September 6

• “When I was in college I majored in throwing up in my sleep.” — Glenn Beck, on why higher education is worth it, Glenn Beck, September 6

It seems as though there is nothing our lovable newscasters fear more than Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline. (Osama Bin Laden, not so much.) Intern Wendy watched in terror as she collected these bon-bon sized bites. It's lunch hour on a Friday, and if you're not too busy stalking Michael Kors in the Hearst tower, enjoy your dessert.

• "I feel bad for all those children. They can make, like, a Lifetime movie out of the trauma that those kids are going to face for having seen that." — Joe DeRosa, on how Kevin Federline's performance will make shrinks rich, Showbiz Tonight, August 21

• "OK, let's have a rule in Scarborough Country, OK, buddy? All K-Fed clips, keep them under two seconds." —Joe Scarborough, setting his Kevin Federline limit, Scarborough Country, August 21

• "If they both showed up at your door with flowers and chocolate you’d kind of have to make a tough call." Willie Geist, debating between Osama bin Laden and Bobby Brown, Tucker, August 22

• "The obvious question, how long before she brings a gun to work? Ooh, I bet that’s a question her staff asks themselves every day as they shiver." — Tucker Carlson, on Nancy Grace going postal, Tucker, August 22

• "I don‘t want to be on a long car trip with her. She scares me. I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air." Tucker Carlson, scared shitless by Nancy Grace, Tucker, August 23

• "Everybody knows. Pluto is a dog. Pluto is a great dog, as a matter of fact. A classic dog, an entertaining dog, a loyal friend to Mickey and Minnie and Donald and Huey, Dewey and Louie. Pluto will always be a dog." — John Gibson, grieving over the loss of planet Pluto, The Big Story, August 24

Oh, our poor Tucker Carlson. Nobody loves him the way Jossip loves him. Really. Even his good friend Willie Geist is blogging about how Tucker is an embarrassment to humanity.

Tucker is a legitimately great man and a good friend, but when he dances, he’s not only an embarrassment to himself and his family, but a living, breathing affront to rhythm and movement in space.

Aw. But we love the Tucker dance tape! It’s given us a reason to live! Well, it also inspires news that gives us a reason to live. News like, the Toronto Star is the first media outlet to use the term “douchebag” in an article. Yes, Tucker Carlson is the recipient of this honor, bestowed on him by TV reporter Vinay Menon , and realized by Eat the Press' Rachel Sklar.

Menon, who seems to disapprove of Carlson’s extracurricular television choices, recalled Carlson’s days on CNN’s “Crossfire,” where “he often came across as just another smug douchebag in the beltway.”

But, in following the rules of douchbaggery, bringing the word "douchebag" into journalism vernacular automatically counters one's douchiness. So, read this piece. It's the last time someone can call Tucker a douchebag and actually be right about it.

Toronto Star Describes Tucker Carlson, Becomes First Mainstream Newspaper To Break The "Douchebag" Barrier [Eat the Press]