This week, the tabs were essentially a continuation of last week. And the week before. And the week before that. As usual, the glossies can't seem to get enough of Britney Spears, whose antics grace the covers of two of the five mags, and received ample coverage from all. Meanwhile, we're less than thrilled by Star's and In Touch's unimaginative Brad & Angie covers, and OK!'s Nicole Richie 'I Could Have Killed Someone' cover was, well, OK, though all three scored big in the originality department for not sharing the exact same cover art as Bobbsey Twins US and Life & Style.

So read on and allow Intern Joe to educate you on who Zac Efron is (pretending to be) dating now, WTF is happening with Usher's wedding, and how Kevin Federline plans to win the Easiest Custody Battle Of All Time.

US Weekly

Cover Story: Britney's custody battle, in 8,000 words or more. Geez, US Weekly, there is a reason we call you guys a tabloid (besides, well, your shoddy, unsourced reporting). This six-page gabfest about Britney Spears is wordier than a New Yorker article. By David Remnick! And in the end, all we know for sure is that when Kevin Federline files for sole custody of the children, he should think about hiring Us staff writer Kevin O'Leary, who seems to have alarmingly encyclopedic knowledge about Brit's mothering skills.

• Usher's wedding postponed! Or maybe canceled? We don't really care about Usher—if we did, we'd already have read all about this in the Daily News)—but apparently his beau Tameka Foster had a pre-labor "scare" (Translation: desperate cry for attention) forcing them to cancel the wedding and reevaluate their relationship.

• Oh, no she didn't! Janice Min comes back from her self-imposed hiatus and whips out another timely edition of "Fake News." And this time, it's all about salvaging the reputation of Brangelina, who have been unfairly tarnished by every magazine other than US. As usual, Min starts out by lecturing about the importance of accuracy in reporting, then works her way up to trashing Life & Style and In Touch's claims that the couple is unhappy, ironically basing her entire analysis on (you guessed it!) a single unidentified source.

• Then we get some lame six-page article about The Hills people. Does America really need six pages about models pretending to be reality tv stars pretending to be relevant?

In Touch

Cover Story: Another exciting installment of, "What Went Wrong" with Brad and Angelina (insert Janice Min's evil laugh here). This article reads like a blast from last week's boring past. Brad is unhappy! At least, according to some sketchy unnamed cafe owner in Prague.

• Madonna defies gravity with her perkier-than-thou breasts.

• Britney Spears isn't always an alcoholic trainwreck—only without her daily antidepressant cocktail. Also, did you know that Kevin wanted custody?

• So not OK…In Touch got the scoop without even paying for an interview: Nicole Richie and Ben are having a girl, assuming Richie is able to carry to term and the unborn child survives the early stages of fetal alcohol syndrome.

Life & Style

Cover Story: Didn't we already read this magazine back when it was called "US?" Britney Spears is an out-of-control mess, we get it! On the plus side, L&S' version is like a carbon copy of US, but with less pages. This time around, we learn that Britney makes Preston fetch her cigarettes by referring to them as "mom's lollipops." Talk about a good deterrent!

• Like Spears, Lindsay is also a mess, according to L&S, who adds little to the Lindsay "scandal" except an uninteresting private email sent by one of Linds' assistants, claiming that she's 'totes fucked up,' presumably in more ways than one.

• Breaking! Angelina reportedly chucked a glass of red wine in Brad's face after arguing about John Edwards. Kinky!

Star

Cover Story: Angelina needs rehab. But for what? Heroin addiction? Refusal to eat? Inability to stop "saving" kids by ripping them away from their parents and locking them up in the ol' Brangelina cellar? Only time (and the article) will tell…

• Meanwhile, there's also "The Secret Romance That Destroyed Lindsay." For someone who dates a stream of pathetic, unattractive guys with no job prospects, Promises is like paradise! Unfortunately, after the honeymoon (a.k.a.) rehab was over, she found herself dumped in typical Lindsay Relationship Fashion. So she did what any psychotic permadrunk person dumped by her three-week fling would do in her position, namely slit her wrists and cried, "Where's God when you need him?" Sigh.

• So brace yourselves, because it turns Zac Efron is totally into fat chicks. Either that, or he's clearly gay and trying to drum up publicity for his new movie. (You decide!) Because Star is reporting that he's dating Hairspray co-star Nikki Blonsky. Just like he totally dated High School Musical costar, Vanessa Hudgens, only less believable.

• Kevin Federline plans on using Britney's ex-assistant, Shannon Funk, to win the custody battle of Britney's kids. Will anyone take someone with the last name Funk seriously? And wasn't she the one that was caught putting all of OK! magazine's clothes in her bag? And does it really matter, because wouldn't K-Fed have to roll up the court papers and use them to snort a line of cocaine before any judge would even consider awarding Brit joint custody?

OK!

Cover Story: Nicole Richie exclaiming, "I Could Have Killed Someone." True story! And if you don't start eating soon Nicole, your unborn baby is next.

• For God's sake Kirstie Ally, can you just please, please, please, lose the weight already? Granted, dieting is hard and all that, but doesn't Jenny Craig paying you, like, $3,000 per pound make it somewhat easier?

• OK! manages to get their grubby little paws on one of the many thousand interviews that Michael Lohan has done during this past week. Surprisingly, he almost comes off as caring, which nearly makes us forget that he's a dirty ex-con with dollar signs in his eyes.