Another exciting tabloid Wednesday is upon us, and this time, all of the celebrity weeklies did an exceptional job not copying one another. Given that nothing ever happens in the month of August (and most journalists celeb weekly stalkers are on vacay) the tabs have unsurprisingly reverted to frequent standbys Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie to sell their covers.

And while the Cruises are vacationing in Berlin, the Jolie-Pitts are frivolously spending money on children's birthday parties, and LiLo is enjoying the comfort of her new Utah treatment center day spa, we invite you all to sit back, relax and let Intern Joe remind you that celebrities are like exotic creatures. Exotic drive drunk, wage custody battles against distant relatives and go to first base with broke college kids because someone "double-dared" them to.

US Weekly

Cover Story: Janice Min deserves ever penny of that insane $2.5 contract she just secured. Why? Because even when Britney Spears doesn't make the headlines all week, US Weekly still manages to dig up enough dirt on the poor girl for an in-depth cover story. "Topless, drunk and lonely, Spears seduces a college student in a hotel pool while Kevin rushes to save his boys," warns US. The horror! And what, you might ask, was the form of this torrid seduction scheme? A debaucherous game of (you guessed it!) Truth or Dare, which eventually culminated in the 21 year-old college lad remarking, "Honestly, we were hugging and kissing and I did feel her boobs and they felt great." Spoken like a champ.

• Hot Stuff pages have some serious goodies. Ashlee Simpson got the acting role she's always wanted: she'll be starring in an anti-drunk driving PSA! Now if Ashlee can only hold her liquor all the way through the damn thing…Meanwhile, Reese and Jake Gyllenhaal are back at it (whatever "it" is, exactly). They were recently spotted at an (ambiguous) secret hotel rendezvous where, presumably, they met to raid the mini-bar, complain about their thunder thighs and watch Sweet Home Alabama.

• Enough with Denise Richard and Charlie Sheen. We get it, they're fucked up. And no longer married.

In Touch

Cover Story: Get it together, Angelina! Or at least, stop yapping to the tabs—or in this case, a random French magazine. And go figure, Brad and Angelina are allegedly having some problems. According to Angelina, Brad has to be sexy, a good father, and accepting of her mood swings. Simple enough so far…until we find out where Angie would like to live? "Not in Hollywood, that's for sure," she says. In fact, her actual plans include moving to Cambodia and tattooing her entire body. We're sure Brad will be completely supportive and accepting of that decision.

• Lindsay Lohan's former security guard reveals everything about the thrice rehabbed star. And by "everything" we mean, she started drinking at age 16, snorts cocaine on a regular basis, cuts herself, and frequently drives drunk. Talk about a scoop!

• Is Britney Spears the next Anna Nicole Smith? Possibly! In two pages of photo comparisons, in Touch makes a fairly convincing case. Except for the fact that Britney Spears tends to sleep with broke college dudes rather than two hundred year old billionaires.

Life & Style

Cover Story: In 10 pages Life & Style give us a huge spread of Maddox's birthday party! Yes, the part of us that actually still cares is happy that Maddox isn't parent-less in Cambodia. But the rest of us is bored and doesn't feel like reading about some spoiled little brat's "Super Sweet 6."

• Kevin wants custody of the children. Isn't this old news! Sort of! But, we bet you didn't know that Brit has been coming home wasted and waking the children up. Easy there, K-Fed. At least she's spending some time with them, right?

• Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are ready to take their relationship to the next level and move in together. Which is vaguely surprising given that they're still afraid of being "caught" holding hands and/or smiling in public.

Star

Cover Story: Nicole Richie was rushed to the hospital because she was bleeding! Internally! Don't worry, she didn't lose the baby, but the doctor told her that she doesn't have enough nutrients to support a pregnancy, presumably because she sitll looks like an emaciated 12 year-old boy.

• Remember that whole story about Demi Moore trying to steal her half brother's, uncle's, first cousin removed's, sister's babies? Well we don't really, either, but Demi Moore lost the court battle. Fortunately, Ashton has nevertheless agreed to buy her a new set of "twins."

• Britney Spears is claiming that her mother is sleeping with Kevin Federline! Which we slightly believe, both because they are all trash from Louisiana and because Lynne is kinda hot, y'all.

OK!

Cover Story: Come on, OK! Based on your (deliberately misleading) cover, we were expecting an exclusively paid for interview with Angelina Jolie. Instead, we got an unsourced Life & Style-esque article that completely contradicts In Touch, and claims—despite the rumors—that the couple is extremely happy. In fact, according to OK!, they're looking to buy a new house together in France, where even Angie might be tempted to eat something.

• OK! fills us in on exactly how shitty being a personal assistant is. [Ed: Hey, kind of like interning! Right, Joe?] Imagine holding a straw up to Mariah Carey's mouth whenever her majesty feels like a sip of iced tea. And then not stabbing her in the with it after she's finished.

• Friends of LiLo are scared that she might be pregnant! Which would certainly make for an entertaining few months—well, for us, not for the baby. When asked to comment, an excited Calum Best replied, "Ka-CHING!"