This week might well go down as the most boring in Talk of the Tabs' storied history.

Four out of the five weeklies ran seemingly identical cover stories on Britney Spears, while the fifth tab (a pioneer!) broke new ground by focusing their energies on a little-known couple named…Brangelina. Sadly, the most interesting (relatively speaking) piece of Brit-related gossip com comes from an unlikely source, OK! magazine, who momentarily puts aside this whole never-ending custody battle business and swears that Britney is a carpetmuncher.

But it's Star EIC Candace Trunzo who puts all the Spears mania in perspective.

"Just when you thought you'd seen it all with Britney— it gets even worse."

Unfortunately for Intern Joseph, the same could be said about this week's tabloids.

US Weekly

Cover Story: Why can't Britney Spears' staff be more like Michael Jackson's? Unlike the reclusive Wacko Jacko's notoriously private cabana boys, Spears' people can't seem keep their collagen-injected lips shut. One ex-nanny claims that Britney gave the kids coffee, tried to have their teeth whitened and tried to seduce the help. Bottom line: Kevin Federline appears to have the custody battlepretty much wrapped up. Which should do wonders for the welfare of those boys he cares so much about K-Fed's personal checking account.

• Hot Stuff has the "goodies." Ryan Phillippe won't let Jake Gyllenhaal near his children. Because he doesn't like him, and, presumably, because Jake is maybe-banging his ex-wife.

• Unbelievable, Brad and Angelina prove the tabloids wrong with their romantic trip to Chicago. Of course US Weekly feels the need to rub this story in our faces, after last week's fake news report.

Life & Style

Cover Story: Could Britney Spears be losing her boys? Possibly! L&S does a half-assed job of digging up fresh dirt on Britney Spears, which is okay since we only did a half-assed job of reading it. They do, however, score a nice quote from Jamie Lynn (through an unnamed source, natch) saying "You wanted those babies, and look what you're doing! I'm glad Kevin's going to take them!" Oh Jamie, don't be so dramatic.

• Apparently, the Olsen twins hate Mischa Barton because because of her connection to Paris Hilton. And because she had the audacity to walk by their table without fawning all over them. Imagine!

• Poor Nicole, still evidently confusing "being pregnant" with "being fat."

In Touch

Cover Story: We can't tell you how happy we were to see a cover without Britney Spears' ugly mug on it. Unfortunately, it ended up being just another Brad and Angelina bore. As the story goes, Angelina was spotted "looking super cozy" next to her ex-husband, Johnny Lee Miller. Yawn. The best thing about the story? Is the sidebar that says that parents are criticizing Angelina for allowing Maddox's war-themed party.

• Contradicting sister publication L&S, once again, In Touch claims that Nicole Richie actually loves being pregnant. Presumably because, for once, Nicole doesn't look like an awkward nine-year-old boy.

• Jessica Simpson, in an exclusive interview, talks about everything! Except the stuff we actually want to hear about. She dodges questions left and right, talks about some boring upcoming projects and leaves us feeling wholly uninterested in anything that she's even remotely involved in. Girl needs to fire that pervy dad/manager of hers and get herself some real PR flacks.

Star

Cover Story: Britney Spears yells at her two boys, "You were both mistakes!" Well, obvs. But wait, though plausible, could this, perhaps, be another example of Star's sensational reporting? We think so. In yet another predominantly recycled Spears story, Star claims that Britney is a terrible mother, all coming from a source close to Kevin's legal team. Tell us something we don't know, y'all.

• In a surprise move, Katie Holmes, ditches her puppet master, Tom, long enough to engage in meetings discussing her potential role as a superwoman! And really, who better to play the part of a strong, independent woman than Tom Cruise's wife Katie?

• In other news, Angelina Jolie is really, really, skinny. Still.

OK!

Cover Story: Well, here comes another exclusive interview from our friends at OK! mag. And this time, rumor has it the unnamed source is actually Spears' former assistant (and bed-buddy) Shannon Funk. Anyhow, the "anonymous source" characterizes Britney as a lesbian, and offers uncomfortably detailed reports of Spears' intimate relations with Funk. Meanwhile, we're not surprised. Of course Britney's always had some lesbian tendencies—that explains why only dates sissies.

• Meanwhile, OK! claims Mel B is only after Eddie Murphy's money. Yeah, well, we would be too if he got us pregnant, totally denied it, then left us with the spawn of an out-of-work comedian.

• As it turns out, Brad's big surprise for Angelina and the kids is…actually pretty lame. He took them to the museum and then took mommy Angelina out to dinner. Which just goes to show that not even hundreds of millions of dollars can buy you an imagination.