Who cares about the trials and tribulations of Fashion Week when everyone's least-favorite celebrity weeklies are back to skewer everyone's favorite oversaturated celebrities? This time, the primary focus is once more on Brad and Angelina, with not one but two magazines taking a minor lover's quarrel grossly out of context and predicting it to mean that their just-for-publicity relationship is already over.

Meanwhile, in addition to ruining the VMA's opening act (and her chances for a successful comeback) the inconsiderate and hopelessly out-of-shape Britney Spears also had the lack of consideration to schedule her drunken clumsily lip-synced performance for the day before the magazines closed. This, in turn, left each of them scrambling to put together their last-minute "Britney Totally Blew It Y'all" stories, and reliant on such uninteresting angles as "Exclusive: Britney Fired Her Hair Stylist Right Before The Show."

So allow us to put you in the capable hands of the lovely and talented Intern Whitney, who's fresh off the plane from Abilene, Texas and thus hardly even seems to mind that her first official intern duty involves reading and summarizing the annals of celebrity smut.

US Weekly
Cover Story: Trista and Ryan, one of the few (only??) surviving couples from ABC's The Bachelor series, talk about the birth of their firstborn child, Max, who was apparently a miracle baby. "Max's delivery almost took [Trista's] life," US reports, which would be even more tragic if anyone still remembered who these people actually are.
• Coverage of Vanessa Hudgen's nude photo scandal follows, where an unnamed source tells US the photo was not intended for Nickelodeon's Drake Bell. Or, presumably, for anyone besides her fake-boyfriend, Zac Ephron.
• The Britney coverage begins…with US reporting that Britney fired her hairstylist minutes before the show (obviously), skipped rehearsals (obviously) and drank just before taking the stage (obviously).

In Touch
Cover Story: As we told you earlier, Angelina was overheard telling a friend that "Brad knows there are times he should just be quiet and look pretty." Naturally, In Touch turns it into "Angelina Trashes Brad!" which is basically a hop, skip and a jump away from "Angelina Leaves Her Boyfriend For An Almost-As-Attractive Deaf Mute."
• Meanwhile, In Touch's somewhat more delicate coverage of Britneygate includes a handful of celebs trying to be polite about her semi-disastrous comeback. "I was just sending her good vibes the whole time," Nicole Scherzinger tells the mag, which explains only part of the problem with Brit's performance.
• The Hills' star Lauren Conrad lost 10 pounds by…eating healthy foods and exercising regularly. Good story!

Life & Style
Cover Story: Angelina is angry with Brad for telling V magazine and its seven regular subscribers that he and Jen "still maintain a deep friendship."
• Life & Style's coverage of the Britney trainwreck includes quotes from a boring MTV suit, who tells the tab that the network is "furious" that Britney "never took it seriously." Another Z-list source tells the mag that the stiletto boots Britney wore while stumbling lethargically around the stage were chosen by Brit herself, because they slimmed her legs. At least in theory.
• Owen Wilson is refusing to go to rehab, probably after seeing Lindsay and Britney's results.

Star
Cover Story: Another Angelina story, this time focusing on baby Zahara. Apparently she needs some sort of hip replacement surgery. How old is Z, anyway? Eighty?
• Lest you think Britney's children had even an outside chance at a normal domestic life, Star reminds us that K-Fed isn't going to be winning any Father of the Year awards anytime soon. The mag reports that Britney's ex "spent over 48 hours snorting cocaine, downing vodka and having sex with party girls" over Labor Day weekend.
• Ever the sympathetic types, Bonnie Fuller and her minions avow that the whole "Owen Wilson suicide thing" was just a hoax.

OK!
Cover Story: Of all the crazy celebrity antics this week, OK! weighs their options and decides to go with a boring story on how being a mother has "saved" Angelina Jolie. We never thought we'd say this but, well, "OK!, we're actually disappointed in you." Ah well, at least it's not another yawn-inducing story on Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn.
– Dammit, we spoke too soon. Next up, we're treated to multiple pictures of a cross-eyed Dannielynn, who celebrated her birthday this week with a ridiculous publicity stunt-slash-celebration that she will never remember. OK! also informs us that Dannielynn's biological father (and former OK! cover fixture) Larry Birkhead is a diva, noting that he asked if Vera Wang could design Dannielynn's birthday dress and demanded that the actual television Barney (who apparently still exists) make an appearance at the party.
– Finally, OK! gives their poor man's version of Britney's backstage antics, including a quote from a sobbing Brit, who reportedly explained, "Justin saw how fat I was!" Our heart kind of breaks for her, because it wasn't like the poor girl actually chose to guzzle down margaritas, skip the four dance rehearsals and go on national television in a belly-baring hooker outfit. Oh wait…