What a week! First we found out the Life & Style was folding joining forces with Bauer sis In Touch, then we found out Britney was a certified alchy (who knew??) and then we learned that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie need a "bigger bed." And because of all the excitement, this week's celebrity weeklies all feature different cover stories.

OK! gets the most creative with a feature on how irrelevant actress Jennifer Aniston has gotten her life back on track, while Star provides the most entertainment by tantalizing us with the unsubstantiated claim that Joel Madden is cheating on on Nicole Richie. (At least, according to Nicole, who "considers any interaction between [the two] cheating." You know, because she's crazy.)

So grab a tub of popcorn (not too much, mind you) and allow the indefatiguable Intern Whitney to guide you through the wonderful world of celebrity gossip.

US Weekly
Cover Story: We start off with — what else? — Britney coverage. According to a semi-questionable source, it takes the kids three full days to recover after spending a few days at Casa de Spears. (And that was when she was still able to numb her pain with copious amounts of margarita mix!) Actually, we believe it. In fact, we're still recovering from the haunting jiggly images of her infamous "comeback" performance.
• The Hills resident villain Heidi Montag celebrated her 21st in Vegas with her troll of a fiancé, Spencer Pratt, and hired "friends" consisting of Nick Cannon, Perez Hilton, and some random club-goers who booed her craptastic lip syncing performance. Meanwhile, Heidi says that the following weekend, she and Spencer are planning a private birthday party for "just the two of us." Which would make it different from her Sept. 15 party … how, exactly?
• Next comes "Jess wins weight war," an unnecessary two-page spread on how Jessica Simpson has gained and lost 3 pounds over the past two years.

In Touch
Cover Story: According to doctors (but not Angelina's, of course!) Angie is too skinny to be able to conceive another child with Brad Pitt. Fortunately, however, a rampant eating disorder and pronounced rib-cage will in no way preclude her from adopting underprivileged children conceived by other people. Meanwhile, J.Lo is presumably pregnant, seeing as she showed everyone her new baby bump during NYC's fashion week. A source says she doesn't want to announce the pregnancy yet because she is superstitious (also pronounced "crazy.")
• Lindsay Lohan's latest fling, a 39-year-old rehab patient, was overheard telling friends that he had sex with her during their stay at Cirque Lodge in Utah: "C'mon, it's Lindsay Lohan," said gent explained, "Wouldn't you?" And we would! Because who doesn't want a lifetime of STDs?
• Washed-up reality star/diet guru Kelly Osbourne reveals her new weight-loss secret: "Instead of having 10 sodas in a day, I'll have one." Somebody get this girl a patent!

Life & Style
Cover Story: Brad and Angelina are splitting up. Again! "Thinking about their kids all the time is one of the big problems for them," a friend says. Because there's nothing says "we're breaking up" quite like two doting parents bonding over their gorgeous adopted family.
• Great! A huge spread on the 2007 Emmys. But, as you already know, you couldn't pay us enough to read about anything Emmy-related. Except, of course, this.
• Has anyone else noticed that Oprah has secretly put on a couple pounds? And, as a random expert explains, "Drastic weight changes can be damaging to the bod. Also damaging? Having people criticizing your microscopic fluctuations in weight for upwards of 20 years.

Star
Cover: Joel Madden has been cheating on preggers girlfriend-slash-fiance Nicole Richie with his disgruntled ex, Hilary Duff, according to Star. And really, who wouldn't believe a magazine overseen by Bonnie Fuller that refers to Joel as a "baby daddy" more than once?
• Britney's former bodyguard testifies that he witnessed drug use and nudity by Britney post-rehab. How emotionally scarring! Sounds like we weren't the only ones watching the VMA's…
• In a breaking Star exclusive, we learn that Jessica Simpson's hair color is most likely to blame for the star's complete and utter lack of love life. The evidence? As a brunette, Jess was happy in her relationship with John Mayer, whereas, since changing her hair back to blond again, she has been single, undateable and (wait for it!) unhappy.

OK!
Cover Story: In case you were wondering, Jennifer Aniston is "ready for love," according to OK!. Which still doesn't answer the more pressing question of why in God's name is this woman still relevant.
• Britney has been threatening to starve herself [Ed: Good idea!] Doctors reportedly believe she is suffering from body dismorphia because she sees herself and thinks she looks fat, which is amazing since it would almost mean that the entire world (or at least everyone who watched the VMA's) must be suffering from the exact same affliction.
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are trying to conceive a new alien lovechild to keep Suri company.