This week's Talk of the Tabs is considerably shorter than usual, because the latest copies of In Touch and Life & Style are apparently nowhere to be found in New York City. Intern Whitney spent an hour racing through the streets of Manhattan (okay, maybe just the four or five blocks surrounding the Jossip offices) only to come up empty-handed. Why the mysterious absence of two of our favorite Jersey tabs? It remains a mystery, but according to multiple street and subway vendors (or at least the ones who understood what she was talking about), "It come out tomorrow."

So on to the mags that did show up on time: All three are covering more of the Britney saga, but each have different covers (way to go, guys!). Us Weekly decides to bring back news from April, featuring a spread on Heidi Montag's new nose and boob job. OK! covers more old ground with an in-depth look at Tom Brady's out-of-wedlock offspring. And Star goes out on a limb with the never before reported claim that Tom Cruise is crazy. What a week! If only we knew what "breaking news" the other tabs would have brought us…

Us Weekly
Cover: The Hills' Heidi Montag talks about her "revenge plastic surgery." (Take that, boys who made fun of her in the 4th grade!) And we applaud her courageous effort. Because there's nothing more inspirational than a pathetic reality television star telling impressionable young girls that the only way to true happiness is through breast augmentation and "emergency" rhinoplasty.

•Britney's former bodyguard (who was, incidentally, fired for not picking up a hat quickly enough) reveals even more about the tragedy also known as Brit's real life. Among the newish revelations, Fat Tony claims he was ordered to not sweat or eat in her presence — in other words, not to act like Brit. And if Spears was ever naked in front of the hired help, he was instructed to "act coy" and "not look at her bottom." Also known as "dry-heaving."
• Us declares Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston to be "the new Bennifer!" Which would be sort-of clever in a retro sort of way if the co-stars were romantically involved instead of simply playing a couple in the upcoming flick He's Just Not That Into You.

Star
Cover: It's not all marital bliss for Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes. Evidently, Tom is mentally unstable and controlling! What a truly shocking cover story. Thanks, Star.
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have apparently gotten past that whole "cheating but not really" thing that Star made up last week. Annoyingly, however, Star continues to refer to Joel as Nicole's "baby daddy." (Really, Bonnie, that's so not helping your street cred.)
• Meanwhile, Star has the following gem about Britney's former bodyguard: "He once found her talking to herself and staring into a mirror, saying 'I'm the fairest in the land,' over and over. When he approached her, she freaked out, screamed, hit him and ran to her bedroom. Later, he went to apologize but discovered her lying naked on the bed. She kept saying, 'Show me how sorry you are.'" … Fat Tony? We take back every bad thing we ever said about you. You're a mensch.

OK!
Cover: Bridget Moynahan, also known as the girl Tom Brady ditched for Gisele Bundchen when she was three months preggers, sells tells her sob story about what it's like being a single parent. It's not all bad news, though: A friend said that the baby is "the best thing that's happened to her." And we totally agree! Except who knew "baby" was like some weird Hollywood slang for "child support checks?"
• Next up, OK! investigates whether or not Britney was beating her kids. Naturally, a Spears source says it's not true, and offers this amazing piece of evidence: "If she was cooking and Preston would reach for the burner, Brit would tap his hand and tell him, 'Don't touch that! It's hot!' … That is a very different thing than smacking your children with a belt or ruler." Nice try, "friend," but we don't believe anything based around the pretense that Britney actually cooks.
• Disney heartthrob Zac Efron has finally "dumped" Vanessa Hudgens. The reason behind the split? We can't decide! It's either Vanessa's recent nude photo scandal or the fact that Zac clearly isn't interested in girls.

UPDATE: According to exec editor Dan Wakefield, "one truck had an accident and a couple of stores in NY
are delayed in getting the mags. Not a big deal." Well, it is to us!