In a bold move to show Janice Min that they don't give a shit what she thinks of their "reporting," Life & Style and In Touch are both kicking things off this week with the obligatory baby rumor mill.

Meanwhile, Life & Style, Us Weekly, and Star search desperately this week to find some hard-hitting celebrity news. Unfortunately, they fail, and instead resort to luring readers with their default "We Have No Story" covers of beach bodies, and celebrity BMI's.

Then, to round out this week's "Talk of the Tabs," In Touch can't seem to get enough of Angelina, as the notorious childnapper graces the cover for the umpteenth time, while OK! gives us yet another profile on someone that we really don't care about.

Let the games begin!

Intern Joe's heartfelt analysis, after the jump.

US Weekly
• Us Weekly doesn't waste any time vying for our attention. The cover story? How Janet Jackson stays thing, which—apparently—is such a gripping tour de force it warranted five pages. Bottom line: if you were Janet Jackson, you could lose weight too. Especially if your "weight loss secret" involved a paid staff of round-the-clock nutritionists, cooks, and trainers.
• In a three page article, Us informs us that John Mayer has been playing "mind games" with Jessica Simpson. Which actually struck us as unintentionally hilarious, given that Jess is well known for being dumb as a brick. Note to John: skip the devious mind manipulations, and skip straight to the reverse psychology and, you know, make-up sex.
• We also learn about Britney Spears' mini-tour weekend in Florida. But since it doesn't involve lesbian threesomes (or baby Sean Preston flying out of a car), we didn't particularly care.

In Touch
• In Touch enters the rat-race by reporting that Angelina and Brad are ready to expand their brood by (another) two. Is it just us or is this family turning into one of those weird uber Christian families with 20+ kids and 30+ bibles? Of course, then the parents would have to be married and everyone would have to be white, but you get the idea.
• Meanwhile, apparently John Mayer and Jessica Simpson can't stay broken up, In Touch rejects Us' "John Mayer is a manipulative jerk" theory and instead attributes the split to Mayer's being a vagina.
• Finally, our favorite story in this week's tabs: In Touch tells us that Britney Spears and Ryan Philippe had a lot of chemistry at Les Deux. Either that or Ryan had one too many shots of Jack Daniels.

Life & Style
• The major story here is that Tyra lost 30 lbs. I'm pretty sure we all read that a month or so ago, but the article does give us a nice glimpse into Tyra's mindset and ultimately concludes she's just like us! Except we all don't all have multimillion dollar bank accounts. Or our own daily talk show, on which we relentlessly implore all the middle-aged overweight women out there to love their bodies—and then lose 30 lbs and shove it in America's face.
• We also get in a two-page article that Tom and Katie are preparing their ginormous mansion for baby number two, but is Katie ready? Answer: We're not sure. But we have another question: when is Tom ready to stop acting like a big homo?
• So back to the sordid tale of Jessica and John's ill-fated romance. Life & Style is saying that they may or may not be back together. Which is kind of like admitting they have no idea what's going on, and disguising it as dramatic ambiguity.

Star
• The cover story is tried and true summer gold: Star runs pictures of celebs we love to hate, and gives shout-outs to the 36 best—and worst—beach bodies. (And, yes, Matt Lauer made the best).
• Special thanks to the writers over at Star, who must have worked some serious overtime to get the Nicole Richie rehab story in here.
• Ok, so one final time Jessica and John Mayer are "S0-SO-ON".

OK!
• Why does reading this magazine week after week get more and more difficult? Maybe because they continue to feature women (i.e. Sheryl Crow) that a college male couldn't possibly relate to? [Ed: We posited this theory to our mom, who informed us that no, it's actually just that "Sheryl Crow kind of sucks."]
• Sadly, OK! is a little late in their Brangelina four page spread, seeing as it only tells us what we already knew: Brad is Angelina's bitch, and he kinda likes her for it.
• Finally OK! takes some initiative (which we applaud!) and reports that Jessica has left John—and is banging James Blunt instead. Man, that chick gets around!