Britney still might be pregnant this week, but most of the tabs aren't buying it. In Touch, meanwhile, is stubbornly sticking with their story/future libel suit. This week, the mag runs already-seen pictures of the texts from supposed-father J.R. Rotem, so it must be true! In other ridiculous news, Jennifer Aniston has been invited to spend Christmas with Brad's parents! We can't imagine why she would turn that goldmine down.

And true love takes another tough blow this week as Lindsay Lohan and her rehab boyfriend finally call it quits. But there is still hope! Just ask Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo — they managed to score two big stories this week, despite the general public still having absolutely no idea who they are.

And in news-that's-not-really-news: Britney has a shady friend, Hollywood women get plastic surgery and Anderson Cooper is still in the closet. Join Intern Whitney for a loving look at this week's tabloid goodness, including the Us Weekly cover story that some say has Wenner lawyering up.

Us Weekly
Cover: An exposé on Hollywood Plastic Surgery. Disturbing new trend alert: Women are getting liposuction! And Botox! Other shocking revelations include Ashlee Simpson's nose job and Heidi Montag's new "REVENGE PLASTIC SURGERY!" boobs.
• Britney's controlled by a creep! Us tells us. Her new BFF, Sam Lutfi, has a history of violence – he even has two restraining orders against him! Worse still? One of Sam's victims says he used to send her "offensive faxes" that read, "Peel yourself away from all the candy … and answer my e-mails. Put the donuts down and call me." (Faxes? Really? That's so 1998).
• Exactly what we all needed: a four-page spread on how to starve yourself! Seriously. Two women follow crazy Hollywood diets (one even dabbles in bulemia!) in order to drop a few dress sizes. In the end, it's supposed to be about the dangers of it all but we're slightly discomfited by the step-by-step guide to eating disorder bliss.

In Touch
Cover: In Touch is still swearing that the Britney pregnancy story is true — they even have the photos of their text messages from father J.R. Rotem to prove it! Because nobody can fake stuff like that, y'all. Meanwhile, insist J.R. would be a great father because he never makes a bad decision! Except for that time when he cheated on his girlfriend to bump uglies with Britney Spears.
• The Spice Girls are fighting! It's like finding out that Santa Claus isn't real. Apparently Posh and Ginger Spice have been at odds over important things like cheesy choreography moves. We're momentarily traumatized until In Touch goes on to ruin the whole story by basically admitting it's just a big rumor.
• Lindsay and her rehab fling are over! Among the reasons they broke up: Riley was sending texts to his ex, saying he missed her "cute body." (Not mentioned: Lindsay was preoccupied with screwing Heath Ledger).

Life & Style
Cover: "Where's Shiloh?" no one asks. Well, for starters, she's on the cover of Life & Style looking all kinds of adorable. The Pitt-Jolie clan has received threats recently (hence the reason Shiloh remains hidden), and a source believes it's due to Angie's terrorism-themed flick A Mighty Heart. Then again, that would imply that people actually saw the film, so that theory's out.
• Christina posed nude on the cover of Marie Claire, so she has officially brought preggers-sexy back! At least according to expert sexologists Life & Style.
• Britney's pregnancy drama! Because we haven't heard enough, L&S goes deeper into the mystery, saying that Brit must be with child because "she does appear to be sporting a belly bump lately." Welcome to the party, Life & Style! That's kind of what happens when you subside on nothing but tacos and double cheeseburgers.

Star
Cover: Jennifer Anniston was invited to spend Christmas with Brad's parents! Along with Brad and Angie! What could go wrong? Well, for one, Angie "went postal" upon hearing the news that Jen might be joining them for some holiday cheer; "her nose has been out of joint ever since [Brad] told her about it." Well, damn.
• For the six remaining Nick Lachey fans out there, Star reveals his plans for a Vegas wedding with Vanessa Minnillo! Way to rip one out of Spencer Pratt's playbook, Lachey! Except wait: Nick's one wedding demand is that there be no cameras during the ceremony. Strange! Especially considering how well that worked out the last time.
• LiLo is off the wagon (again) and begging for drugs! A source says during a recent hotel stay, Lindsay and ex-boyfriend Riley were found passed out in their messy room with candy wrappers, dirty towels and cigarette butts. None of which are actually illegal, mind you. Just sad and sort-of gross.

OK!
Cover: Nick and Vanessa's sexy Christmas! An informative article that fails to answer our number one question, namely how much Nick and Vanny paid to have stories in two mags this week. (Kidding! With OK! chances our, the mag paid them). The annoyingly bland couple blathers on and on about love, happiness and splitting up chores around the house. Meanwhile, Papa Joe lovingly comforts/manipulates a residually bitter Jessica Simpson.
• Call them the anti-Britneys: OK! gives us an in-depth look at Miley and the super tweens! These fabulous role models have yet to experience the pitfalls of Hollywood, but in the meantime, you can appreciate the down-to-earth Miley Cyrus, Emma Roberts, and … Jamie Lynn Spears? Now, there's an accident waiting to happen.
• And in a very clever poll question, the mag asks readers: "Anderson Cooper has a new fashion line. Would you put him in your closet?" (71 percent said yes!) We apologize for all the earlier mockery, OK!. That is, hands down, the best. Question. Ever.