This week, In Touch continues its tireless crusade to prove that Britney is pregnant, and those fake text messages from supposed father J.R. Rotem were real! Aw, we think it's cute that the staffers still think this is legit. Let's not spoil it for them by throwing around nasty words like "libel" and "malicious intent."

Meanwhile, Us Weekly gave up on any big news this week, opting instead to remind us of why we hated 2007. OK! took a different (albeit equally as lame) route, featuring the uninteresting Rachael Ray on its cover. But the big news of the week? Brad Pitt and Katie Holmes share the same Dec. 18 birthday! It's almost like everyone just threw in the towel.

Also funny: Every bodega owner within a five-block radius of our office seems to think Life & Style has ceased to exist. Intern Whitney was told by two or three separate magazine peddlers that Life & Style was "done for" this week, despite the fact that everyone else in the world seemingly got their grubby little paws on a copy.

Us Weekly
Cover: It's the Best of 2007 issue, which means Us is giving us a helpful rundown of all the "news" they've been oversaturating us with for the past 12 months. Brangelina kick off the nostalgic spread with their award for Most Annoying Couple of the Year, with TomKat coming in a close second. We can only assume both couples will be striving for Best Break-Up by this time 2008.
• Top 10 Hollywood Meltdowns! No surprise here: Britney takes the No. 1 spot, followed by Owen Wilson and Paris Hilton. Hey, let Brit enjoy her moment in the sun. It's not as though she's been good at anything else (like winning child custody battles!) this year.
• Surprise Pregnancies! Except all these "surprises" were totally obvs. Making the list are J.Lo, Christina Aguilera, Halle Berry and Nicole Richie. Not on the list: soon-to-be-unemployed actress Jessica Alba.

In Touch
Cover: Britney is putting her life in danger by abusing drugs, smoking cigarettes and eating her feelings. Duh. But what about the baby that In Touch is so damn sure about? "There have been reports that she may have lost the baby already," the mag says, which is also a good way of saying, "Please don't sue us over this whole fake-pregnancy thing."
• The Hills is over for now, but the drama continues: Since he hasn't famewhored enough, Spencer has evidently decided he wants to make nice with Lauren. "I'm over it all and i just want to move forward. I'd love for us to meet up." Nice try, douchebag, but aren't you the same guy who perpetuated those ugly "LC has a sex tape" rumors? We're thinking she wants to forgive you…and forget you.
• In Touch reads our mind and asks, "Why is Hollywood fighting over this man?" The loser in question is Stavros Niarchos, who has landed such classy woman as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. But what's not to love? He's rich, smart and funny, according to a pal, who neglected to mention that he also has a vast collection of STDs. What a catch!

Star
Cover: Here's a good idea: Britney has decided to elope with creepy friend Sam Lutfi. Because the quickie Vegas wedding thing turned out so well the last time around. Unfortunately, it hasn't happened yet, despite Star's intentionally misleading cover. On the plus side, we are treated to a sidebar comparing Brit to Anna Nicole and Sam Lutfi to Howard K. Stern. So, you know, clearly this relationship is heading in the right direction.
• Lindsay Lohan is short on cash and in need of a Sugar Daddy! She's reportedly even called up 50 Cent for cash, but judging from the video that hit YouTube last week, LiLo was probably just looking for something to snort. The poor star has even resorted to shopping at flea markets. It's too bad there's not some sort of system where she could work and then get paid for it. Let's call it, oh, we don't know — maybe a job?
• Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavallari has fallen off the face of the earth recently, so what better way to get back in the spotlight than to star in the next season of The Hills? Surprisingly, LC is none too pleased. But, really, nothing can be as bad as the awfulness that is Speidi, so we're all for it.

OK!
Cover: Christmas with Rachael Ray! What could be more annoying? Her holiday tips include not getting stressed out and filling egg shells with tea lights. Since when did OK! turn into Home & Garden? And is there some reason why we still have Ray's annoying high-pitched voice (screaming "Christmas lights? Sounds delish!") in our heads?
• Jessica Simpson is learning from her mistakes in order to keep her claws in Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Here's what not to do, ladies: Text the guy incessantly, change your hair color explicitly for him and star in a reality show exploiting every aspect of the relationship itself. We'll keep that in mind, Jess.
• OMG! Brad Pitt and Katie Holmes totally have the SAME EXACT birthday! Apparently, this is breaking news, hence why it lands front and center on the magazine's cover. OK! then goes on to spoil the gifts: Brad will be surprised by a new motorcycle in his garage, courtesy of Angelina. Katie is receiving jewelry and possibly a new alien baby from Tom! ('Tis the season!) At first we worried that the stars would be spoiled after reading about their gifts in OK!, but then realized would require them to actually read the mag, in which case crisis averted!

Life & Style
Cover: Baby Update! L&S treats us to the latest news in the lives of our favorite pregnant stars. The mag continues to encourage the inane ramblings of sister tab In Touch, insisting that Brit is preggers and has been making desperate phone calls (read: drunk dials) to ex Kevin Federline. According to sources, Brit says she's just calling to check up on the kids, which – if true – has got to be the worst excuse ever.
• Heidi and Spencer from The Hills have called off their wedding! We can't decide who to blame. Heidi for having cold feet! Spencer for being emotionally unavailable! Or the mean scriptwriters who decided to not to let this "reality" couple have their fairy-tale happy ending.
• Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo will either "get engaged, get married or split," says a source. Which pretty much cancels out all those other options, like "fly to the moon" or "remove each others' spleens and sell them on eBay."