This morning, we woke up and prayed that the tabs wouldn't completely drown us with "OMG, Paris Hilton's in jail" news, however nothing could have prepared us for what we found instead…nothing. In typical humdrum fashion, we get a sleep-inducing collage of celebrity images—from no makeup, to extreme weight loss, to baby bumps and cellulite. The only exception to this week's snoozefest is that bastion of credibility otherwise known as US, whose groundbreaking research ultimately revealed Vanessa Manillo's penchant for cutlery.

Intern Joseph has your in-depth review (and our iced mocha latté) after the jump.

US Weekly
Cover Story: Nick Lachey's girlfriend Vanessa Manillo plays with knives and parties with a pre-rehabbed LiLo! This six page story is already starting to feel old, but US salvages it by taking the, "How will this affect Nick and Vanessa?" angle. While certain anonymous sources say that Manillo is 'freaking out' (we would be, too!) others say that this will ultimately not hinder Manillo and Lachey's relationship. That said, this could ruin her future movie prospects, but arguably, her small role in the new Fantastic Four sequel has already covered that.

• We also learn that Melrose Place stars Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner are finally together. Then again, we think we already knew/forgot that. Word of advice, US—if you need a page of back story for your article, it probably sucks.

• We also get a nice spread called, "The Complete Bad Girls Guide." While slightly glorifying, it's also sleazily amazing. So who made the list? (Do we even have to guess?) Paris, Lindsay, Britney, Mischa, and Nicole, of course. We get quotes, sex partners, party fouls, fights, and parents—pretty much all we really need to make Wednesday afternoons special.

In Touch
Cover Story: Apparently, it was a slow news week over at Bauer headquarters, seeing as the cover feature is entitled, "Revealed! Stars Without Makeup." In five pages of pictures, we learn that various glamorous Hollywood starlets are shockingly not as attractive when they haven't been made up, tweezed, and blow-dried by a team of beauty professionals. More surising, however, is that certain celebs kinda look hot without any MAC. Our pick for the "Best Without Make-Up" award goes to Jennifer Garner, while "Most Desperately In Need Of Sephora Products" honors go to Katie Couric, who looks kinda like a slightly melted marshmallow au naturale.

• Surprise! Promises Rehab seems to be bending the rules for Lindsay Lohan. Which, essentially, means Lohan's not taking this latest stint seriously, and that her drug dealer will likely still be co-sponsoring her 21st b-day bash.

• In Touch catches us up on the pre-jail body (and soul!) makeover Paris has given herself, which includes several tactics we would emulate if it meant our parents would subsidize our entire lives.

Life & Style
Cover Story: Oh god! Hasn't Life & Style learned anything from Janice Min's latest rant? Pregnancy reporting was like sooo last month! Ergo, we'll do our best to make this one quick. Angelina wants two more kids, but will she run out of countries to exploit? Meanwhile, Katie and Tom want another slightly Asian baby, and Nicole Richie may, possibly be carrying Joel's offspring. (Although we think Nicole is just a fatty).

• While we do get the obligatory "Paris Goes To Jail" article, we also get something better: Britney's heartwrenching online confession. Which was even more emotionally stirring when we first read it…almost two weeks ago.

• Wow! Seven pages of Hollywood's top dads! And the winner is…Alec Baldwin. (Kidding!) It's super dad, Brad Pitt.

Star
Cover Story: Star evidently forgot that they have a weekly magazine to put out, and failed to do any first-hand reporting whatsoever, hence their half-assed cover story, "Celebs Who Beat Cellulite." (Finally you guys are writing to your readers!) And, while Britney is the cover girl for this story, we are sad to report that these recently snapped beach photos beg to differ. And yes, we're referring to the sleazy up-skirt shot that confirmed cellulite is even harder to beat than that damn McDonald's addiction.
• Taylor Hicks not only sucks at selling records he's also a douchebag who steals woman away from their "longtime beaus."

• While normal college-aged kids are forced to buy fake-ids, underage celebs can't really use this luxury. Which, presumably, explains why they're allowed to skip this formality and simply purchase alcohol on star power alone. Star investigates this seedy underbelly, and—for once—puts together a fairly decent article about Hollywood's underage drinking culture. Why does it happen? You guessed it, money.

OK!
Cover Story: We didn't really think OK! could get any more pitiful than last week, but apparently, we were wrong. This week, we get a weight loss issue and more than we ever cared to know about Denise Richards. Seriously, not only is she the cover story, she's also a 19 page spread. Ever wanted to see home pictures of Richard's intensive workout routine? Then, by golly, pick up this week's OK!

• Remember Larry Birkhead? Well, he reveals the answers to all of the questions we've been dying to ask him. We're kidding again—it's just more blatant self-promotion.

• Brad Pitt flew from Canada to Prague in order to be there for Angelina's birthday! Which we thought was cute, until we remembered just how generous we'd be with our time if only we had the time (and money) to take spur of the moment trips around the world.