Britney's locked away in the psych ward this week, but that doesn't mean she's disappeared. She ends up in every single magazine with the exact same story: Brit's crazy. We didn't need to pay $3.99 to figure that out.

Mary-Kate Olsen is experiencing the Heath Ledger backlash, with Star going so far as to devote a four-page spread on how she and her twin sister are awful midgets. Or something like that.

And Life & Style continues on its solo mission to kidnap Baby Shiloh. This week, the mag reported that Shiloh has a stalker. It forgot to mention that said stalker is in fact Life & Style.

Us Weekly
Cover: Will Britney ever get better? Let's ask Sam Lutfi, the man who has proven to be a psychotic liar. He gets a six-page spread to bash her family and sell out his supposed best friend. "When the pink wig comes on, it's getting bad." Thanks for that insight, Sam. The rest of America discovered that months ago.
• Hayden Panettiere committed the almighty sin of pissing off Us Weekly staffers. Evidently she accused them of running untrue things about her and rumored boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia. Us comes back with, "Hayden, lesson No. 1 of politics: Know your fact before speaking!" Which is rich, coming from a tabloid.
• Hillary Clinton presents her worst outfits ever, along with fashion police-style commentary. Do we really need another president who offers lame jokes such as, "Not exactly a hole in one" in reference to a golfing outfit? And it's not like most Us readers are old enough to vote.

In Touch
Cover: Britney thinks her mom Lynne has been sleeping with Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib. (Who could blame her, right? They're both great catches.) Because In Touch forgot that Britney is mentally insane, they do some hard-hitting investigative journalism to get to the bottom of this. The verdict? Hell no.
• Spencer and Heidi have found something else to argue about: kids. Spencer wants only one, while Heidi would like to have five. And she already has the names picked out, including Jesus Pratt. What a name. "I'm very religious," Heidi says. "That's how I've gotten to where I am." Somewhere, Jesus is crying.
• Here's a bad idea: "Devastated by the death of Heath Ledger, Mary-Kate Olsen reached out to the one person she thought would understand her pain — his ex girlfriend, Michelle Williams." … So it's safe to say that Mary-Kate is definitely on drugs. Michelle had a baby with Heath; she didn't snort blow off a table with him. The situations are a little different, MK.

Life & Style
Cover: Brangelina are amping up security after finding a surprise on their doorstep. "[Someone left] a photo of Shiloh and a note that read, 'We got this close already.'" Is it just us or does this sound like to work of a Life & Style reporter?
• Want to be grossed out? No? Too bad. L&S is breaking down how bad Britney is looking these days: A neck rash and bad skin are among the issues, but the grossest is her brown tongue: "Too much coffee and cigarettes causes a fungal growth called hairy tongue." Please excuse us while we vomit.
• Jessica Alba, who once said she never wanted to be known for her body, is terrified of gaining weight during her pregnancy. Jessica said she looks "like a fat cow." And now women everywhere contemplate eating disorders.

Star
Cover: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are "twisted sisters," according to Star and their made-up sources.They go on to call the twins "strange little hobbits" who "eat like ants," which … is totally true. But nothing we didn't already know.
• Surprise! Jamie Lynn Spears is rebelling while her parents are tending to big sister Britney. She had a big Super Bowl party with alcohol they picked up at a local Wal-Mart. Some college students showed up too, because it's cool to hang out with a 16-year-old after you've graduated high school.
• Britney's in a "psych ward hell," as Star likes to call it. Also known as just a psych ward. A former patient says, "I could hear people screaming in the middle of the night, and it would wake me up. It was awful." Sounds just like Britney's crazy house, if you ask us.

OK!
Cover: Eric Dane's cancer scare: It's not as dramatic as it seems (is it ever?). Grey's Anatomy's McSteamy noticed something wrong with his lips, and the doctor told him it was malignant tissue from sun damage. He's all healed, and he wants you to know about the importance of sunscreen. Blah blah.
• Is Simon bored with American Idol? OK! has noticed a lack of passion from everyone's favorite British judge and automatically jumps to the conclusion that he hates the show. Which is correct, actually. He plans on leaving after his contract ends in 2009, calling nine years "enough to inflict on anyone." We can't even image nine minutes with Paula.
&bull And because OK! won't let us get through an issue without wanting to stab our eyes out, we get a great mental image of Spencer Pratt waxing his manly parts. Apparently David Beckham's Armani billboard inspired him, and now we want to never look at that ad again.