Thanks to Jamie Spears finally controlling his daughter, the tabloids are fairly boring this week. And speaking of Brit, nobody can decide whether she's happy and getting her life back or she's living the life of a prisoner. We don't really care, as long as she isn't around any children — oh, she's teaching dance classes to kids? Fabulous.

Little sister Jamie Lynn is trying to keep up with Brit, this time whoring herself around and involving Lil' Romeo in a baby-daddy whodunnit. Pretty good, JL, but are you making your babies cry?

Also this week: Jessica plans to make her Dallas Cowboys curse permanent with marriage plans, Suri has a traumatic no-fast food upbringing and some idiots are paying $1,000 to inject botox in their armpits. Sign us up!

Us Weekly
Cover: Us declares sons Jayden and Sean "the littlest victims" in Britney's saga, but considering the boys haven't seen her for seven weeks, they got the better end of the deal. The article compiles everything we know from the past week: Britney is sorta getting better and she's teaching a dance class to little kids. But here's the good news: She hasn't mentioned Sam Lutfi once. Praise Xenu!
• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo: "They're going to get married," according to some random person in a heavy metal band. Us has lots of "insiders," like a friend of Jessica's ex-assistant's boyfriend. Seriously. But this relationship is going to last, because Tony makes Jess feel "like she can be goofy." And we all know that's what the world needs: more of Jessica Simpson being stupid.
• Here's why we will never attend the Oscars: It costs stars almost $15,000 to get glammed up, and that's not including the cost of clothes. It does include botox underarm injections to prevent sweating. Stars: They're just like us! crazy.

In Touch
Cover: Jamie Lynn — the tamer Spears sister by default — is a big ol' whore, according to In Touch. The mag doesn't think Casey Aldridge fathered the bun in JL's oven, so they give us a list of potential suspects: A Nickelodeon executive, a teenage fling and Lil' Romeo. Wait … Lil' Romeo hooked up with Jamie Lynn? He just lost all sorts of street cred.
• It frightens us that we are on the same wavelength as In Touch, but the mag is also asking what the hell is wrong with Britney's hair: "Just days after getting her hair done by Kim Vo, Britney was spotted with a bald spot and an unsightly crease on the back of her head." That's one way to put it. Kim gets all defensive about it, saying the hair reconstruction is a long process. We bet Ken Paves could do it in a day.
• Despite reports that Tyra Banks pooped her pants at NYC Fashion Week, her rep is claiming it didn't happen, saying Tyra was just changing in between shows. We don't buy it. But the fact that the rep laughed about it makes us think maybe she hates Ty just as much as the rest of the world.

Life & Style
Cover: The mag proclaims a "baby crisis" because J.Lo's babies might be kidnapped and Angelina reportedly collapsed. Here's what we'll say about Angie: We wouldn't mind if she and Brad collapsed off the face of the earth and we never had to hear about them again. And as for J.Lo, her twins are fine. If they ever choose to leave the womb, they are less likely to be kidnapped because her people have enforced security measures. Not that anyone would want to put up with the little divas-to-be anyway.
• Jayden, the youngest of the Spears-Federline clan, is always crying. Color us shocked. Life & Style's experts assume that Jayden is crying because he wants attention, especially from his mom, but who would want attention from Britney?
• Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: Lindsay Lohan has released some lyrics from her upcoming album: "I don't wanna talk about it / Makes me wanna cry / Every time I think about it / I feel emptier inside." Interesting, that's just how we feel every time we think of Lindsay recording music.

Star
Cover: Baby Suri's strange world, according to Star: She owns her own cell phone, knows not to wrinkle her clothes and keeps her "vessel" healthy with organic foods. Did we mention Suri is 2 years old, not 40? Oh, and she never hears the word "no." We can't wait to see how this Tom Cruise-approved experiment is going to end.
• After girlfriend Heidi Montag's boob job, now Spencer Pratt is the one who wants implants — in his calves. Turns out he's incredibly secure about his calves, and Heidi even calls him "chicken legs." Because that's true love: Taunting your significant other's insecurities until they feel they are worthless without plastic surgery.
• American Idol fans are up in arms because some of the finalists used to have record deals. Hey, as long as Sanjaya isn't back, we don't care. But we could do without Robbie Carrico, the self-proclaimed grunge rocker who was once in a cheesy pop group called Boyz-N-Girlz United and briefly dated Britney Spears. Too many strikes, Robbie.

OK!
Cover: Oh, poor Britney. OK! claims the trainwreck is a prisoner in her own home. We would hope so — has everybody forgotten what happened when Britney was allowed to run free? Somehow the mag has learned Britney's daily schedule, which includes praying in her pajamas every night before going to sleep at 11 p.m. Sounds awful! The government should consider implementing this daily regimen when torturing prisoners.
• Nicole Richie's post-baby body secret: Eating disorders! OK, not really. The mag claims that Nicole has been wearing two pairs of Spanx at a time — because one doesn't do the trick? — to look thinner. New moms around the world breathe a sigh of relief as they can finally achieve that starving Ethiopian look.
• As if being disciplined by Paris wasn't enough, Barron Hilton also got a stern talking-to by older sister Nicky. "[She] told him he was a spoiled brat who deserved to go to juvenile detention and be punished." Despite the whole pot and kettle thing, why are the parents not doing the disciplining? Oh, right. They never have