The tabloids were desperate this week, resorting to Brangelina lies and "Stars Without Makeup!" cover stories. Somehow, Ashlee Simpson's nosejob became relevant again, earning her the front page of Us Weekly. Congrats?

Everyone is still grasping at straws when it comes to Britney — this time she's about to declare bankruptcy and she hates her new life. Not outrageous enough, if you ask us.

Also this week: Lindsay makes excuses, Matthew McConaughey is gross and Heidi Montag gives an exclusive Lauren-bashing. Actually, none of that is particularly new.

Us Weekly
Cover: Ashlee Simpson stars in the lamest cover story ever, focusing on her style evolution and ever-changing hair color. She also kinda sorta admits to having a nose job, which would be interesting if it were 2006.
• It's the weekly Heidi Montag "exclusive," and this time she's bashing Lauren's clothing line and coming out with her own collection (Heidiwood). She calls LC's line unaffordable and said that she's always been the one interested in design, not Lauren. Interesting, seeing as how on the first season of The Hills Heidi had no interest in design and wanted to be the "fun, PR party girl."
• Lindsay Lohan is still embracing the AA rule of placing the blame on other people. This week it's the general public: "People were a little harsh on me. It was hard to get through things, and no one was being very supportive."

In Touch
Cover: Matthew McConaughey has finally been tamed by his girlfriend, Camilla: She's his soulmate, according to friends, because she can go a week without bathing. … Are we sure Camilla isn't actually one of Britney's personalities?
• Ryan, Ryan, Ryan: Seacrest is dating Holly, one of the "Olly" girls on E!'s Sunset Tan. The relationship has been kept under wraps for a few months, but she has been spotted backstage at American Idol tapings. We wonder if Holly knows she's a beard or if she's just that stupid.
• The Bachelor is coming back next week for a new season, and Andy Baldwin, one of the previous men to "find love" on the show, has some words of wisdom for the new guy. According to Andy, finding love on the show isn't reality. This is earth-shattering. It's nearly impossible to find love on a reality TV show? Get out.

Life & Style
Cover: Angie attacks Jen … according to Life & Style, and a few other people with big imaginations. Supposedly, comments made by Angie's brother about Ang not wanting to hurt Jen's feelings were supposed to be taken as put downs. That's so rude, saying that you care about another person's feelings. Burn her at the stake.
• The Spears clan is on the verge of going broke. We can't imagine why — they are all such decent, hard-working human beings. This should serve as a lesson: It's probably not the best idea to depend on a daughter who is suffering from severe mental issues and can hardly dress herself.
• Haven't the troops suffered enough? While visiting US soldiers in Kuwait, Jessica Simpson forced them to watch her latest bomb, Major Movie Star. Reportedly the troops loved it, which goes to show you how desperate for entertainment they must be.

Star
Cover: Star is an equal opportunity self-esteem killer. This week, the mag is trying to make celebrities appear ugly by running photos of them without makeup, which would be shocking if it hadn't been done 100 times before.
• Ashlee Simpson fans aren't buying her MySpace rant that she wasn't drunk during a recent radio interview. And a Star "expert" thinks Ashlee is in over her head with her drinking habits. We agree, if by "drinking habits" you mean "creepy father."
• Is anyone surprised by this? Jennifer Lopez is, according to Star, a "momzilla." Friends say she has gone out of control since the birth of her twins: "Right now, it's all about shouting orders and writing checks." Which would be different than normal … how, exactly?

OK!
Cover: Poor Britney Spears, y'all: She's stuck in a multi-million dollar mansion with her dad, who also serves as her personal chef, and is getting visitation with her children again. But Brit isn't happy, and reportedly misses the crazy life she once led. But don't be too upset, because she still has a little crazy left in her: She has a shrine to Justin in her home. Like every teenage girl should.
• OK! verges on creepiness, wondering if Jen and Angie wear the same bra. Um, did we ask? The answer, for those perverts wondering, is yes: "Both ladies are fans of Le Mystere's 'Tisha' T-shirt bra, which became famous after appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show." We feel gross now.
• The mag offers Hollywood parenting tips, for those who hope their child goes to rehab at an early age: Treat them like adults, say no to TV, team them yoga and bring them on your movie sets. Truly groundbreaking.