Since we've all been oversaturated with Paris Hilton news this past week or so, the tabs have graciously spared us the "Heiress Behind Bars" cover stories, and relegated her to a far more tolerable two-page spread. In fact, for perhaps the first time in recent history, all of the tabs successfully filled their covers with actual news, managing only one "weight loss story" between them. Hot topics this week included Britney Spears and her mother's on-again off-again relationship, Jennifer Aniston's inability to pick the right boyfriend, and the inside scoop on Paris meltdown. (Yawn).

A slightly hungover (but still surprisingly productive!) Intern Joseph gives you the highlights and lowlights of each of the weeklies, after the jump.

US Weekly:
Cover Story: After much hemming and hawing (or at least that's how we like to picture it), Janice Min and crew have selected Britney and Lynne Spears to grace their cover. In a six-page spread, we manage to glean that Britney and her mother are (possibly) back on speaking terms, and that "quotes from Lynne Spears" is actually code for recycled material from the 2000 book, "Heart to Heart." In the end, we learned Mama Spears is looking more and more like Dina Lohan, and that Britney could finally be back on track. Or not.

• Turns out Paris Hilton's mysterious ailment in jail is not actually that mysterious. Apparently, Hilton was on such high self-administered doses of Xanax and Adderall, that she started to go through withdrawal. Either that or, you know, she just plain hated prison.
• Under the heading "Jerk Alert," US fills us in on what another tabloid already reported: Jennifer Aniston's new beau, Paul Sculfor, is a coke-head and "serial womanizer." Sucks for Jen, but oh-so-entertaining for us!

In Touch:
Cover Story: Apparently, Brad and Angelina are planning on having another biological child together (preferably one with "pretty-genes") as well as adopting another third-world orphan. And, as usual, In Touch has the unsourced exclusive!

• As for Paris Hilton, her adventures in jail can best be summarized by In Touch's comprehensive headline, "Paris' Prison Hell." Turns out Paris isn't impressed with the prison chefs, feels dirty all the time, and is alone with her thoughts—which, in her case—must be terrifying.
• Cameron Diaz is setting herself up for another heartbreak- but this time it's not with an attractive former boy bander, it's with that scummy, goth, magician-Criss Angel.

Star:
Cover Story: "Brad Warns Jen: Dump Your New Man!" And by "Brad warns Jen," they of course mean "Brad speaks to one of his unnamed friends about Jen's sleazy new man." Slightly deceptive, even by Star's standards, no? In any event, it's pretty much the same story as US, but a little stretched out. Besides being a "serial womanizer," it turns out Paul Sculfor has terrible taste in women. Example: Jennifer Aniston. Kidding, there's others.

• One of the three stars of The Ex-Wives Club, Shar Jones is reportedly pregnant with K-Fed's baby. Now who said they weren't trailer trash? We don't really believe any of it, however, seeing as Star forgot a little something called a "source."
• "Is Antonio Cheating?" asks Star, naturally begging the question, "who's Antonio?" Turns out they're referring to Melanie Griffith's hubby, Antonio Banderas, who—apparently—is still relevant.

Life & Style
Cover Story: Here we go again- Jen's new love is/was a cokehead. Paris Hilton is actually claustrophobic (i.e. not going through withdrawal) and Nicole Richie is pregnant, and possibly going to jail. Meanwhile Britney is actually not talking to her mother again (take that, Us Weekly!) and has even taken Lynne out of her will.

• So Vanessa Manillo's relationship with Nick Minnillo wasn't ruined by that whole, knife-wielding fiasco.
• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again, something that apparently happens on a weekly basis these days. However, L&S' source is simply someone from Katie's new movie's set, so don't get too excited for more alien offspring. Yet.

OK!
Cover Story- Jennifer Aniston is said to have signed adoption papers- following in the steps of her ex-husband's new lady-love, Angelina Jolie environmentalist/crazy, Sheryl Crow. OK! says that Jen has a new man and that her life is finally coming together! Well, except for that whole Scoulfer drug addiction and "tendency to use women to get to the top" thing.

• The headline "Paris: Is it all an act?" is quite deceiving. The article reports what everyone else has been reporting, and contains nothing scandalous at all. (A true feat, when it comes to Paris Hilton). Instead, the "act" OK! is referring to is that phone convo she had with Barbara Walters, which—OK! claims—was actually done for self-promotional reasons. Naturally, we're shocked.
• Eminem's new CD contains extremely explicit lyrics about his sexual relationship with Mariah Carey. Carey is said to be pissed off and swears that a visit to Eminem's house consisted of little more than 'jumping on his trampoline,' which you can take to mean however you like.