Another slow week in Hollywood has resulted in covers featuring the tabloids' dependable standbys: Britney, Angelina and the Cruise family. Mariah also joins the list of covergirls to flaunt her "new" body — which she has had off and on for her entire life.

There's also the coverage of the Ashlee Simpson maybe-pregnancy, but big sister Jessica gets most of the attention. She must have pissed off all the magazine editors this week, because she is called out for not only being jealous of her sister's happiness but also for drinking heavily. Yikes.

Also this week: Paris wants to get married, Miley Cyrus wants to become an author and Heidi Montag wants butt implants. We're keeping our fingers crossed none of that works out.

Us Weekly
Cover: How Mariah Carey lost 20 pounds and three dress sizes: The same way everyone else loses weight, by diet and exercise. And yet we predict this issue will sell really well, as all weight-loss covers do, for some inexplicable reason.
• Us is still insisting Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are expecting a baby, and a few sources add that the two will get married in May so she won't be showing in her dress. So the two are rushing into a marriage because they're giving birth to an accident? What a romantic story to tell the kids.
• Madonna tries to be funny as she offers commentary on her worst outfits ever. Here's a shocker: It doesn't work.

In Touch
Cover: The cover proclaims that TomKat's marriage is OVER! But then there's the actual story, which just says Katie has problems with her marriage and wants to make it work. Desperate to sell mags, In Touch?
• Benji Madden and Paris Hilton will likely get married, according to friends, because they each wear dog tags labeled as "Property of" and then the other one's name. "It's so sweet," says a friend. Yes, possession is the best part of a true relationship.
• Plastic surgery poster girl Heidi Montag wants to get butt implants: "That's the one asset, literally, that I need." Besides the fact that she used "literally" incorrectly, it's safe to say that this girl has no self-esteem and will soon be the next Joan Rivers.

Life & Style
Cover: Pregnancy diaries: How stars are coping with their buns in the oven. Ashlee is in denial, Angie is barely eating and Jamie Lynn is being neglected by her parents. So everything is going swimmingly.
• Britney was caught kissing Kevin! Gasp! Except it was likely a kiss on the cheek, as both sides have made it clear it would be a terrible idea to rekindle that romance anytime soon.
• Someone made the mistake of calling Mischa Barton fat, and now we are treated to a full-page spread of the former O.C. actress prancing around in a bikini. Who the hell told her she had a double chin?

Star
Cover: More TomKat troubles, and this time they are battling over Suri. Katie wants to bring her to New York while she tries her hand at Broadway, but Tom wants Suri to stay with him and the rest of the Scientology family. That little girl really has no chance at a stable life, does she?
• Jessica Simpson's recent stint in the hospital was, according to Star, due to her heavy drinking — and according to a friend, she was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection. Gross.
• More coverage of the infamous Britney and K-Fed kiss that may or may not have been; this time, Star treats us to photographic evidence — except the picture on the cover is from before the two were married. Nice try.

OK!
Cover: Britney has decided she wants her boys back, so she's been bathing and taking care of herself. This is good for all parties involved, until she once again gets tired of the kids and gives them back to Kevin.
• Miley Cyrus is writing an autobiography. Because 15 years of experience is enough to fill up an entire novel?
• OK! beats out Life & Style for the creepiest baby obsession of the week with the mag's coverage of Suri Cruise's birthday party that hasn't happened yet. As you can imagine, it's a good read — no insider tips, just a bunch of speculation from the OK! pedophiles.