Attention, tabloid readers out there! If you didn't think as though you were skinny enough, adequately loved or fashionably dressed, we have just the tabs to make you feel even worse about yourselves. What a forgettable week for the glossies. Were the editors shaken up by Shar Jackson's war on Star magazine? Probably not, but something must be up, because we'd hate to think that Hollywood truly is this boring.

Thankfully, some tabs did offer some surprises this week, like In Touch's front-to back gossip fest. (Okay, fine, technically the back was just an advertisement for chocolate chip cookies). But the biggest surprise this week was OK! magazine's jumbo Princess Diana spread. Tina Brown couldn't have planned it any better herself!

So sit back, relax and get comfortable. Intern Joe is on hand to tell you which celebrity weeklies deliver the goods and which ones fall even flatter than Keira Knightley's chest…after the jump.

US Weekly
Cover Story: Jessica Simpson loses "20 lbs in two months!" This otherwise ignorable news is suddenly hilarious given that it's clumsily juxtaposed next to Kelly Clarkson's dramatic "I was bulimic" confessional. Meanwhile, there's no secret fad diet here. Jess lost the weight by (gasp!) eating right and exercising. However, the whole article is essentially an advertisement for trainer Harley Pasternak, who is—coincidentally—completely booked for the next five years.

• Turns out Kelly Clarkson's eating disorder woes started back in her teens, when she temporarily stopped eating in order to score a plum role in the high school musical. Thankfully, Kelly is now completely comfortable with herself, although we can't help but wonder if there a correlation between her pudgy midsection and recent career woes. [Ed: No, it's her crappy music.]

• Things have been rocky on the Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon (Gyllenspoon?) front. Insiders say that Reese thinks things just went too fast. In other words, Jake is most likely gay.

In Touch
Cover Story: "Mr. Irresistible Tells All!" Oh never mind that was the Chips Ahoy! back-cover advertisement. The front is just as good, however, assuming you enjoy Nicole Richie pregnancy rumors as much as stale, rock-hard chocolate chip cookies. Same story as last week: she looks pregnant, is eating more, won't drink, and won't let anyone smoke near her. Jeez, hasn't anyone else considered the possibility that she's on one of those newfangled "solids" diets and has read those terrifying research reports on the effects of second-hand smoke?

• Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is no longer the brainwashed Scientologist's wife that we thought she was, reports In Touch. Apparently, she's finally taken control of the relationship, and is currently the one calling all the shots. What proof do we have of this reconfigured dynamic? Why, her new haircut, of course—which Janice Min insists is 'so hot right now' in her gripping "From US to You" column.

• Justin and Cameron could be reigniting their relationship. The proof: a few photos of the two all smiley together. In Touch also paints Jessica as the crazed lover, which is kind of great seeing that it reminds us of those Mary Camden days.

Star
Cover Story; Angelina is only 98 Lbs! and sort of looks like an alien. Nothing more here.

• While US Weekly and Elle magazine report that Kelly Clarkson is really coming to terms with herself as an empowered woman who won't let anything stand in her way (i.e. crazy record producers, bulimia) Star has to go ahead and ruin it for us by proclaiming that Clarkson is just a cry-baby who ought to quit the business.

• Lindsay Lohan doesn't shower after her rehab workouts and a source says she smells. In other news Lindsay is also said to have lonesome sex, anxiety attacks, and bulimia, none of which is nearly so interesting as the purported "B.O." problem.

• Insiders claim that Nicole Richie has taken more than 73,000 pills in the past four years, which is pretty pathetic and just might explain that little (drug bloat!) tummy she's been sporting as of late.

Life & Style
Cover Story: Wedding News! Yep, turns out L&S is just boring enough to devote 13 entire pages to a lame special nuptials section. So, for the sake of our own sanity and yours, we'll just tell you which couples were included: Brad and Angelina (can you believe it??) Nicole and Joel, Eva and Tony Parker, Jen and Tony Parker, Katherine Heigl and that fiancé she "cockblocoked," Vanessa and Nick Lachey, Naomi Watts and Liev Shrieber, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Nicolette Sheridan and that no-talent ass clown, Michael Bolton, and Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Whew!

• Justin and Cameron just want to move on, explains a relationship expert who's never met either of them.

• Paris Hilton took a few moments out of her busy, prison-filled to make her dad a Father's Day card. In exchange, Rick Hilton is thoughtfully rewarding her with a disgustingly over-the-top "I Didn't Learn A Single Thing From This Whole Experience" party.

OK!
Cover Story: "My first father's day." In typical OK! fashion, Larry Birkhead graces the cover far after his 15 minutes of relevance are up. Then, because OK! editors either (a) have an inexplicable crush on Birkhead, or (b) hastily agreed to a multi-cover deal to nab those first Dannielynn pics, we learn that Larry's a wonderful dad, who learned everything he knows about parenting from watching The Cosby Show.

• Wow, a Bruce Willis interview!! Nope, wait, just a press junket interview for Live Free or Die Hard (great title!) where we find out that Bruce still feels young, lives life to the fullest, and doesn't understand love. Which is totally understandable, considering his wife left him for a guy who's at least twenty years younger.

• Here comes the surprise of the week—OK! did a 12 page spread filled with actual reporting! The unexpected feature attempts to answer some of the unsolved mysteries surrounding Princess Diana, and—while it mostly fails—we sincerely appreciate the effort. The spread does, however, make us wish that Diana was still around, if only so we wouldn't have to fawn over malnourished Victoria Beckham as the epitome of British class.