So what did the glosses tell contribute to the world this week?

Well, they reminded us that the celebrity baby boom makes for some excellent page fillers, resulting in copious amounts of baby pictures and relatively few stories. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is out of jail and most of the tabs have either realized that we're well past caring, or else failed to get the interview exclusive (ahem, Janice Min). Regardless, we made the most of our Paris-free afternoon by reading about LiLo's newfound sobriety, appreciating the meager efforts of the remaining four-person Life & Style staffers and admiring In Touch for giving us a jam-packed issue that may or may not result in a libel suit with Jesse Metcalf.

Intern Josephs sifts through the unconfirmed rumors, celebrity scandals and summer cellulite to bring you the highlights…after the jump.

US Weekly

Cover Story: "Hollywood Baby Album!" Yes, that means 12 pages of the cutest pics! Which apparently precludes the need for any substance, unless you count useless tidbits about the tots (i.e. how much Suri Cruise loves Cheerios!)

• US is the king at recycling other magazines' hard work. At least they gave Nylon some props this time (in picture form, no less) for lifting their piece on Nicole Richie. So exactly what did we learn from US/Nylon? Just that Nicole denies having an eating disorder, dappled in heroin, and has no idea why she's famous. Oddly enough, neither do we! And given that we're all in agreement, did we need an entire two-page spread for this?

• You'd expect Kate Moss and Pete Doherty's upcoming may-be wedding (*crosses fingers*) to be a veritable Showcase Showdown of drugs, but in his shiny new book, Doherty claims he'll be sober for the nuptials. The way we see it, Pete's either got to be (a) lying, (b) deluded or (c) too cheap to spring for an open bar at the reception.

In Touch

Cover Story: A World Exclusive about TomKat, aptly entited "Inside Their Marriage". Which essentially is just really an 'insider's perspective' on their world, (a.k.a. their hired help). Sadly, we don't learn anything particularly new, except that Tom plans on celebrating his 45th birthday in Germany, which is unfortunate seeing as his Scientologist ass is banned.

• In Touch scores points by reporting that there is a major feud brewing between Cameron and Jessica Biel, but misses the mark by failing to mention that little incident in Europe in which Justin shouted obscenities at his pint-sized fans.

• And finally, Shar's Jackson is definitely not preggers, but that doesn't make her any less of an attention seeking whore.

Star

Cover Story: Finally, the "Hollywood Baby Secrets!" are revealed! And the eight-page spread (second only to US Weekly's 12-pager) educates us on just how spoiled celebrity children really are. Some poignant examples include diamond pacifiers and pricey around-the-world vacations. And here we thought our mom was spoiling us by allowing us to play Nintendo for half an hour a day.

• Lindsay Lohan has replaced crack with cigarettes, meaning she's apparently up to three packs a day. Naturally, we can't wait to hear her already raspy voice get even grittier! Sadly, we hear smoking is bad for the skin, which means Lindsay's days with ProActiv might be numbered. Never fear, however, as sources tell us she's in the process of negotiating a deal to be the new spokesperson for the "Living With Emphysema" society.

• Oh, and for the record, saying Heather and Denise are in a "major fight" is kind of like saying that Issiah Washington and T.R. Knight are in a fight, insomuch as it's no longer news. Capiche?

Life & Style

Cover Story: Way to take some initiative with a juicy, exclusive story! So okay, it turns out that apparently Brad Pitt's family and Angelina Jolie aren't exactly getting along. Which explains why Jane Pitt supposedly left the Pitt mansion on Father's day (her timing is so Jane!) in order to go visit Jennifer Aniston. At which point, Angelina reportedly freaked out and offered Jane an ultimatum: quit seeing Jennifer or stop seeing our children. What a dilemma! Luckily we hate both parties involved in this, so we don't particularly care about the outcome. However, since it's essentially a numbers game, we'd have to advise Jane to side with Angelina. Otherwise, by choosing Jen, she's potentially missing out on the opportunity to spend Kwanzaa with her 250 grandchildren.

• Life & Style also gives us a (paltry!) two page celebrity baby spread and a four page spread on TomKat and Suri. It's almost as though they knew what the other weeklies were up to!

• Lastly, in the ongoing fight between our favorite mess, Britney Spears and our favorite money hungry mom, Lynne Spears (sorry, Dina!) Britney is threatening to get a restraining order against her own mother. Which makes Britney and Lynne's book Heart to Heart a complete lie. Who would have thought??

OK!

OK! Since we're being honest, we should probably confess that we failed to get our hands on the new issue of OK! magazine this week. According to our faithful R train newsman (and five other nearby bodega owners) the shipment never arrived. Plus it's 90 degrees and the benefits of going on a hunt to find OK! are far too few to actually warrant the journey. Instead, we'll do our best to tell you what's in it, based on squinting at the tiny cover photo on their website.

Cover Story: "Jen & Paul: It's Getting Serious?" That's what OK! wants to know, and the answer, apparently, is yes! The couple is reportedly moving into a McMansion together, which should work out really well seeing as Paul is rumored to a scummy coke-head.