Were you losing sleep over the supposed marital problems in the household of annoyingly perky celebrity chef, Rachael Ray? Were you chain smoking and refusing to eat until you found out whether or not LiLo really made it through six weeks of sobriety at Promises?

If so, sad! But, fortunately for you vicarious types, there are no less than five competing magazines that are kind enough to cater to your (somewhat frightening) obsession with celebs you don't even know and will—most likely—never, ever meet. And this week, the glossy gods were feeling particularly generous! So much so, that they bestowed each tabloid with a different, exciting story!

Or, in the case of OK! magazine, another unfortunate cover story about Eva Longoria's not-that-interesting wedding.

Either way, come inside! Take a load off! And allow Intern Joseph to do what he does best: sift through the gossip magazines and pretend that it's "because he has to" and not "because he secretly really, really enjoys it."

US Weekly

Cover Story: "Why They Can't Find Love?" An Us-clusive chronicling the lives of chronic singeltons/future old maids Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, and Jessica Simpson, who are obvs destined to die alone. The article explores the dating scene in LA—which, as it turns out—is just as horribly obnoxious as we all thought. Yes, but why are these women still looking for Mr. Right? Well, we're not entirely sure what Jennifer and Cam are doing wrong (although "frigid" and "dating creepy magicians" both come to mind) but as for Jessica, we have a feeling it has more to do with guys being intimidated by her ginormous breasts. And crazy dad!

• Not that we care about Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell's wedding at all, but we do give the props for remembering that sometimes, not always but sometimes, weddings are more about taking your sacred vows and celebrating a lifetime of togetherness than about giving OK! magazine a pretty cover story. Two weeks in a row.

• In four pages, US gives us exactly what we were sorely lacking this week: up to date information on just what in the hell Britney Spears has been doing these past seven days! Turns out she's been dancing, buying a dog, popping vitamins, and swinging around tennis rackets. Also, since that comeback album of hers doesn't look to be coming out anytime soon, Britney's apparently decided to pass the time by becoming a glorified stripper/waitress at restaurant Les Deux. (But only after the Piggly Wiggly turned her down).

Life & Style

Cover Story: For the two millionth week in a row, Life & Style feels the need to remind us how much Britney hates her mother, Lynne Spears. Even more annoyingly, the article sides heavily with Lynne! Are we the only ones that are totally creeped out by her?

• Nicole Richie is terrified that she is going to give birth in jail. Meanwhile, we're just terrified that Nicole is actually going to give birth.

• In a revealing interview, Victoria Beckham opens up her heart and shows us that it's actually just a piece of coal. Also, she's boring.

Star

Cover Story: Brad Still Loves Jen. And just how does Star know this? Well, we don't really ever find out—except from an apparently un-sourced conversation between Brad's mother and Jen, that Star may (or may not) have illegally recorded. By which we mean "fabricated entirely."

• Crazy relatives?? Could this be another story about the families of Spears or LiLo? Nope, actually it's a boring, yet incredibly invasive four pager about Demi Moore's crazy half step-cousin brother's sister. Or something. Anyhow, apparently Demi wants babies, but she's so old that Ashton's swimmers refuse to seek refuge in her withering old-lady womb. So she's trying to steal this woman's. Except bitch won't cooperate! Total crazypants, right?

• Oh, no she didn't! Or did she! According to Star, Lindsay fooled us all and continued to abuse drugs throughout her 6-week stay at Promises! And by "drugs," we actually mean she resorted to inhaling whip cream bottles. Which is actually sort of resourceful! In an incurable substance abuser sort of way!

In Touch

Cover Story: Say it isn't so! Brad leaves Angelina… behind while he goes on a trip. (Jeez, you're gullible.) And while he didn't actually ditch the broad, things don't exactly look good. After all, not only does he (supposedly!) still love Jen, but he's taking 6-hour trips from Prague to Berlin just to have boring dinners with state dignitaries and other uninteresting, unfamous people not named Angelina Jolie? Riiiiiight.

• It's a Hilary Duff and Nicole Richie Showdown! Well, not so much as a showdown, as the sort of inevitable, residual animosity (on Hilary's part!) that tends to build up whenever you date a guy for a couple of years, he breaks your heart, and then he immediately impregnates an emaciated cokehead who's never even worked a day in her entire over-privileged life.

• Meanwhile, Rachael Ray exclusively tells In Touch that she and her husband are definitely still together. And that she is definitely not cheating on at all with Survivor hottie, Colby Donaldson.

OK!

Cover Story: Oh, no! God no! Another entire issue dedicated to Eva "She's On A Show You Don't Watch" Longoria and Tony "I Play Basketball" Parker's wedding. Seriously, we can't even begin to list all the things that are wrong with this. So instead, we'll just move on.

• Jessica Simpson considers breaking up with Nick her worst decision ever. Presumably, because she's feeling totally jealous she didn't "get it from behind" in a dirty hot tub.

• Apparently, Talk of also "exclusively" opened up to OK! magazine about her marriage. [Ed: Ha! She totally cheated on In Touch! Does this sound like a woman who's capable of remaining faithful?] Anyhow, Ray continues to deny that anything extramarital has transpired, but it's the same story she's been peddling all over town and frankly, we're not sure we care anymore.