Since Lindsay cruelly waited until Tuesday morning to pull out all the stops and go for a coked-out high-speed car chase, this week the tabs were all about Britney Spears. And while that's not particularly shocking in and of itself, this week, there was actually something worth talking about, seeing as Britney Spears went out of her way to attract the attention of the photogs, celebrity weeklies and mental health professions everywhere. In addition to possibly swiping some overpriced crap (something no self-indulgent famous person has ever done before!) she actually went into the ocean (get this!) to cool down. Call the psych ward at Bellview, and get this lunatic into the asylum, stat!

In other celebrity trainwreck news, things apparently aren't looking too good for Brad and Angelina (according to those ubiquitous unnamed sources) Tara Reid is still alive and still a fall-down drunk plus Hollywood apparently has this new trend called "parenting." Incredible! For a moment, we contemplated sorting through this week's glossies, until we remembered the tabs are actually Intern Joe's domain.

His findings (A new trend called "parenting!" Tara Reid's still a mess! Jessica Simpson has a new gay boyfriend!) after the jump.

US Weekly

Cover Story: Is it just us or did OK! magazine and US Weekly switch places this week? US exclusively has the first pictures of Jason Priestley and his daughter. Wait a minute, are we taking crazy pills, or shouldn't this have been a paid-for interview via OK!? In the interest of full disclosure, we should admit that we've been re-watching Beverly Hills 90210 reruns (SOAP network, baby) these past couple of weeks, but while we still have residual feelings for Brandon Walsh, we're not exactly glued to our seats to find out what the chubby, pasty person he's become has to say about changing diapers.

• And now for another exciting installment of "What Britney Did This Week." Went for a boat ride? Check. Got into a fight and looked for a new mansion? Check. Stripped down to her undies and went for a mid-afternoon dip? Check. Not to shabby, considering the highlight of our week consisted on 90210 re-runs and (finally!) finishing "The Kite Runner." And, of course, we saved our favorite Britney moment of all for last, namely the "ignoring her screaming children in the backseat (and, um, bulging midsection) to yell, 'Have you ever tried Weight Watchers, you fat fuck!' at a random paparazzo" incident. Way to take out your inner-fat girl anger on someone else, Brit! So very Perez HIlton of you.

• "Where in the world is Nicole Richie?" wonders Us Weekly, who's apparently unable to keep track of anyone who dares to venture outside of Los Angeles. As it turns out, Richie has been associated with non-famous people (they're actually called "normies") and treating her unborn fetus to the all-American experience of cheap fried food. Nicole? You had us with "Awesome Blossom."

Life & Style

Cover Story: It seems that In Touch and Life & Style got the same exact scoop, which is to say neither has a scoop at all. In any event, Life & Style gives us four riveting pages on Brangelina from Maddox's point of view, who—as it turns out—is not a small, adopted child so much as a uniquely observant relationship guru. According to L&S, Maddox is fully aware that things aren't perfect between the couple and has even begged Pitt not to leave him alone with his Angelina, making us wonder whether his depressed, child-stealing stick of a mom can actually take care of these children without Brad's help.

• Apparently, Life & Style was right there on the beach (presumably in a trashy bikini) when Britney jumped in the water wearing nothing but her undergarments. Meanwhile, the mag reports that K-Fed is seeking full custody of the children. We just hope he's as nice to the paparazzi as his head-shaving, umbrella-throwing wife.

• Did Jessica Simpson and Jake Gyllenhaal hook up? Probably not, but that doesn't stop Life & Style from "exclusively" reporting it. According to L&S, Reese ended her fling with Jake because she found out Jake was hooking up with Jess behind her back! Which is crazy, because Gyllenhaal strikes us as more of a "John Mayer" kinda guy.

In Touch

Cover Story: "The Fight That Split Brad and Angelina." Does anyone else have deja vu? Anyhow, apparently Brad is tired of Angelina [Ed: Along with all the rest of us] and annoyed because she's a complete wreck and can't seem to make up her mind about anything (i.e. which third-world country she wants to steal a child from next). Fed up, Brad has reportedly had bought his own bachelor's pad, where, presumably, malnourished wives and non-English speaking children are unwelcome.

• Contradicting Life & Style, Bauer's other golden child claims K-Fed won't seek sole custody because he doesn't want to add any more stress in Britney's life, which is Kevin's way of saying he'd rather gamble and drink in Vegas than attend parent-teacher conferences.

• Props to In Touch for forcing their lowly underlings to put in some serious overtime and get the LiLo DUI story in here, albeit in brief.

• Man, that Tara Reid is so out of control she makes Britney and Lindsay look like a couple of prissy teetotalers. In Touch gives us a play-by-play look at Reid over the past few years, skipping over her failed film "career" (ahem) and focusing instead on her ever-changing breasts and stomach, which is kind of like AwfulPlasticSurgery.com, only less timely.

Star

Cover Story: Nicole Richie and "The Big Blow-Up" Natch, we always assumed that Nicole Richie was a relationship nightmare, what with her bony little ass and her overinflated sense of self-worth. Which is why Star literally blows our minds* by suggesting that Richie's boyfriend (former Good Charlotte "singer") is just a crybaby emo fuck. See, apparently, Joel has a terrible temper and also can't deal with Nicole's ever-expanding size zero waistline (helloooo, he already had a fat girlfriend named Hilary Duff, remember?) Anyhow, somebody better step in and separate these two before Joel gets all Eddie Murphy on her and starts demanding a DNA test.

• Jamie Lynne Spears thought she was preggers, and worse, she didn't want Britney to tell know. What's up with these damn Disney/Nick kids running amok? The next thing you know, they'll be telling us Amanda Bynes has been tramping all around town. Oh, wait…

• Congratulations also to Star for pulling an all-nighter and squeezing in some "LiLo gone crazy" coverage. We know it was all you, Candace.

OK!

Cover Story: "Britney's Meltdown" (obvs! Haven't you been paying attention all week?) Anyhow, with all the buzz surrounding this week's issue, we were hoping for bells and whistles and gross pictures of Britney with fried chicken. Instead, all we got was a lousy story we already read about in this morning's Post and Daily News—and recycled Britney photos from her post-rehab "comeback" phase. And while we're disappointed to learn that our nay-saying tipster was right all along, we still don't really see what the big fucking deal is. So basicaly, Britney went to a photo shoot, hated everything about it and let her dog poop on Zac Posen's ugly ass dress. Which is pretty much how we would have handled things if we were forced to spend an entire day with OK! magazine.

• Katie Holmes loosens up Tom Cruise to the point where he's risking the wrath of Xenu to shake his Scientology ass on the dance floor.

• "9 things you didn't know about Zach Efron!" Number one: He likes girls.

Okay, not literally