While we've already done our one-two punch with Us Weekly, there are some other tabloids worth talking about. (We're told.)

For instance, how is In Touch's Richard Spencer feeling about Paris' sentencing? What matters more to Sarah Ivens than Lindsay Lohan's blow documentary? These are questions that need answering, so we grabbed this week's tabloids and forced Intern Joseph to wade through them all. It was a thankless task, but we learned this much: Candace Trunzo's Star magazine is really into lezbo prison sex.

PARIS GOING TO JAIL
(Pictured: Star's coverage)

Us Weekly: They step up their reporting as the only tabloid to actually talk to someone official, the Rep. of the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department. In a four-page spread, Us tells what’s in store for Paris. Her 45 day stay includes a sheet metal bunk bed, a drinking fountain, a toilet, and a cool orange jumpsuit, which will go perfectly with… oh wait she won’t have anything else.

In Touch: Their three-pager gives us one of our favorite quotes from former inmate Tina Johnson: “If she comes in with a big attitude, she’s going to get a beat-down. This is no joke.” We also get a fun comparison chart "Goodbye Tiara, Hello Handcuffs," where we get to compare Paris’ new simple life—but now instead of getting a piece of the farmer’s son, she’ll get a piece of… you get the point.

Star: Trunzo's team gives the most brutal account of jail life for the heiress in a four-page spread. In between getting gang raped by a butch lesbian couple and forced into jail arrangements, Paris will be stripped naked in front of everyone and will even get her vagina searched—which she's already let America do for her at least a half dozen times.

Life & Style: In four-pages of Paris, L&S takes the more realistic approach towards Paris’ jail time. Like Paris is really going to be with hoards of prostitutes and rapists for 45 days: No! She will most likely be secluded from the bulk of the prisoners. As for Paris’ greatest concerns, the mag concludes it's being away from her ultra protected LA mansion. They also tell of Paris’ strength and resilience in times of crisis including her sex tape, her hacked Sidekick, her fight with Nicole, and her losing Tinkerbell. None of which can prepare her for a night with her 200 lb. lesbian cellmate!

OK!: Uh, hello, OK! staffers? Falling asleep at the wheel? This tabloid continues to bore us with Denise Richards (need to get their money's worth for that interview!) and fills us in on everything we already know about Paris in a one pager with a measly couple hundred words on the matter. Perhaps they understand that everyone already read about it on the blogs.

LINDSAY BLOHAN
(Pictured: Us Weekly's coverage)

Us Weekly: A two-pager (but no cover mention) has Lindsay's excuses for those coke pictures and her slutty behavior. Us blames a lack of close friends, growing up in the industry, and family troubles for her problems. All legitimate excuses to be a crazy coked out whore.

In Touch: This mag's two-page article takes credit for uncovering, months ago, that Lohan, “has been drinking and partying hard for months.” A well-kept secret, only second to the Pentagon Papers.

Star: In two pages, Star reports an official statement from Lohan’s rep (hey Leslie!) who calls the pictures, “hearsay.” And by hearsay she means, "We have the photos right in front of our faces."

Life & Style: Once again, L&S proves its ability to write a story in its two-pager. They even bothered to get a quote from Lohan’s lawyer who, as lawyers do, spun the photos and played the "Can’t a girl have her privacy in a bathroom stall?" card. Little does he know, bathroom get togethers with two gal pals and Mr. Eight Ball renege that right.

OK!: They decided that Lindsay snorting coke was just not as newsworthy as Larry Birkhead, who clearly still deserves four pages in comparison to Lindsey’s half-er.