Remember when you were in high school (or possibly grade school) and there was nothing more exciting than reading the latest issue of Seventeen magazine?
Not for the fashions, of course—even then, you knew Urban Outfitters was crappy!—so much as for the not at all made-up "Say Anything" reader confessionals, which were typically some variation of how this girl was, like, fully making out with her crush during a game of Truth or Dare when, suddenly, she started spontaneously menstruating and then her 'rents totally came home early and by Monday morning, all the popular girls in school were talking about it and it was, like, completely mortifying?
Anyway. Despite the fact that we're all grown up now and (ostensibly) more mature, we've decided to get that first-person confessional goodness started up again. Except instead of your awkward almost-sex moments, we want to hear about your most painful/excruciating tales of intraoffice humiliation.
A few "hypothetical" examples, after the jump.
If you're still having trouble thinking of any embarrassing work-stories [Ed: Really??] ask yourself the following questions:
Ever invite a gay plus-one to the small, semi-informal (but completely mandatory!) office holiday party only to have him brazenly hit on the boss' 17 year-old son?
Or maybe you then shook hands with the boss of your small company at the very same party, only to have him politely introduce himself to you by saying, "Hello, I'm Mr. X. I don't believe we've ever met," never mind that you've been there six months already, fetch him his morning paper on a daily basis and sit diagonally across from him?*
Perhaps, you even accidentally blurted out something not quite office-appropriate (like, "Ew, no! I'm on the pill!") in front of the company president? Or possibly you also unsuccessfully tried pulling a "George Costanza" and were nabbed sheepishly crawling under the desk of your 5-by-5 cubicle in an attempt to sleep off your hangover?
Whatever it is, we'd like to hear about it, so email us and share your worst work moment. All submissions will, of course, be entirely anonymous, and the winning entries will be reproduced and possibly awarded some yet-to-be-determined prize.
NOTE: The time you had the horrifying realization that your life was "just like Office Space" totally doesn't count.
*Which would have been more aggravating, had it not absolved you of all responsibility in the gay plus-one/underage son fiasco.
Editorial Director
My worst work experience involved our grossly obese coworker having the crabs, scratching her cooch and ass with her bare hand and then immediately sticking her unwashed hand directly into the platter of barbeque that was to be our lunch that day. Everyone was put off their food.
I work for a small start-up and while I know everyone who works for the company, we have a board of directors, none of whom I'd ever met. One of them, an attractive 40-ish year old man came to our Christmas party last year and having had maybe one too many I start flirting with him ever so slightly but knock it off when I start getting looks from our female CEO… only to find out the next week that said member of the board had recently LEFT HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN for our female CEO. Oops.
Drove a colleague into work after hours to pick up some papers and began to worry after a half hour when he didn't return - went up and found him bent over a desk, fucking the hell out of our middle aged Polish cleaning lady … Yikes!
went to the company holiday party and met my female boss's husband who became uncomfortable after I introduced my partner to them both, my partner a male police officer later that evening explained he had arrested him a month earlier for lets say lewd activities in a public place
i wore really, REALLY short shorts to work for a few months. magnum PI short. then i quit.
at my going away party, my editor sat me down and said that everyone was too shocked to really complain about it. and asked if my girlfriend let me leave the house like that.
This happened a few days ago and hopefully I'll forget about it in the next decade. Not bloody likely though. I emailed my family about a conversation I'd had with by best friend who works for the ACLU. The conversation was about how inconvenienced I'd been by the taxi strike. Now, just because I was emailing my family, I injected all sorts of sarcasm into the email. I shouldn't have used my work account because I accidentally emailed a lady who has the same exact name as my sister. I switched the first and last names accidentally of course example.example@gmail.com. My fu*king luck, the lady I emailed was extremely offended by the email she wasn't even supposed to see in the first place. Turns out her grandfather died in a sit down strike with a union a few years ago! She went online found out my bosses email addys and sent the email to 3 of my supervisors, complaining about me and "I hope this doesn't reflect the views of everyone there" Ugh. And to make matters worse I work for a non-profit and we have a great relationship with unions. It was a sucky sucky day.
*my best friend not by*
A few years ago I was sitting in on a conference call in my boss's office. I was looking at a picture of her parents and commented on how she looked just like her mother (my boss was in her early 30's). Turns out it WAS my boss and her old looking husband. I just told a 30 year old she looked like she was in her 50's!
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