Every week, there are so many eventful developments in media and celebrity news that we (almost) can’t keep track of them all! So, for your convenience and ours, we’ve dispatched grabby handy Intern Joseph to remind us exactly what about this week made it so damned special.

• So Paris Hilton gets twenty-five days in jail for an expired license, while Scooter Libby gets a "get out of 25 years in jail free card," for lying in a federal investigation and leaking top-secret information.

• Al Gore falls slightly less in love with politics, falls significantly less in love with that ne'er-do-well son of his.

• Next time Vanessa Manillo decides to have sex in a hot tub she should try to at least feign a modicum of interest.

• Unlike most of the nation, Fox News producers take their network seriously.

• Skinny white guy out-eats skinny Japanese guy and makes the nation proud that the U.S. has officially become the country with the most wieners.

• There's nothing homosexual about dressing like 300 lb woman and being in a remake of a John Water's movie. Nope, not gay at all.

• We really didn't think the quality of Fergie's music and lyrics could sink much lower. But that was before she announced that half of her upcoming album would be devoted to plugging clothes for ugly people.

• When we watch the latest recorded episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 on SoapNet, the last thing we care about are those menopause commercials.

• John Stamos lies about knocking back a few morning cocktails in the hopes of preserving Uncle Jesse's integrity for all eternity.

• Shia LaBeouf narrowly edges out dead Kentucky Derby horse, in a race to win over Graydon Carter.