No wonder Kraft Foods replaced AIG in the Dow Industrial Average: Prepackaged edibles are the only products actually seeing a rise in consumption during this financial meltdown. Kraft jumped 21% this last quarter while becoming one of the top thirty indicators of economic stability, Campbell Soup rose 13%, and the Japanese import Maruchan Ramen enjoyed a sudden success outside their target audience of your freshman year dorm hall.

This would be good news if the implications weren't so pathetic: People eat at home because they are losing money eating out, but are too uncreative to cook for themselves. Hence the fondness towards one-step meals like cereal, soup from a can, and mac n' cheese. So even if the economy tanks, we'll just get fatter. Great. Whatever happened to the slimming rice and beans diet during the Great Depression? Or, what did those guys in Ireland eat during the potato famine? Oh, nothing. That's right. They ate nothing because there was no food.

So don't fear, America. No matter how many banks go under, no one will take away your precious Easy Mac and Mountain Dew from you.