We've always wondered what Page Six would be like without Richard Johnson. And today we got a sneak preview! Gone are the tawdry tales of Jeffrey Epstein and his boatloads of nubile island nymphs and transgendered prostitutes! Today's top story: Sometimes Bill O'Reilly's an ass. (Remember folks: You read it here, first.)

Thus, with Richard mysteriously "traveling" (to the AMC in Boca Raton? Or possibly paying his own way to attend crazy stripper parties…again?) we're regarding today's column as a glimpse of what Page Six would be like with Paula Froelich in the driver's seat. And since you have zero attention span, we've summed up this extra-special Paula only edition for you in convenient bullet-point format.

What we learned from Paula…after the jump.

• Anna Hathaway's jerky boyfriend flies commercial. Not always, but sometimes!

• The editor of Details accidentally misquoted Ben Affleck, but it's cool because they're pals and, really, no harm done!

• Brody Jenner's mom occasionally makes phone calls on behalf of her son!

• Rachel Zoe is sort of a bitch! And she only deals with designers who cater exclusively to her giant sunglasses-wearing/derelict-chic clientèle!

• A crank caller (with great connections!) hacked into an NBC conference call and said disparaging things about Ann Curry's vajayjay!

• The director of that movie where people get turned on by vehicular manslaughter is apparently pissed that Paul Haggis ("Crash") made a much better movie of the same name!

• Ivanka Trump doesn't get into party she didn't want to go to anyway! Also: She occasionally hangs out with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz on purpose!

• Bob Woodruff is inspiring.

• Joaquin Phoenix is not.

• Janet Jackson fetes her fiance Jermaine Dupri's new book! Fails to put out any hair weave-related fires.

Congratulations, Paula. Did you hear that sound? It's us on the phone, canceling our subscriptions to The New York Times, the Atlantic Monthly, The Economist and The New Yorker. You've already taught us everything we need to know.