Salon, as it often does, has chosen to offer its liberal voice of concern and sympathy to the latest victim of scandal. But just who could all these adjectives and adverbs be attached to?

Michael Jackson? Ozzy Osbourne? Mike Wagers?

The self-described "prince of darkness" appears blinded by the light. He cannot see himself as everyone else does. He has called so much attention to himself that he casts no shadow at all. He is completely exposed. He has become a fugitive who cannot find a safe house in the town that he thought was his bailiwick. His craven torment and wild flailing at his inability to halt his self-destruction might cast him as a Dostoevskian figure.

No, kiddies, it's on-air curser Robert Novak.

Had we not made our way through the entire article, the only tip off would've been the identity of the writer, Sidney Blumenthal, who we're nearly certain has never penned an item on Michael Jackson. In fact, this might be the closest their names ever appeared.