For those of you who picked up John Tierney's Op-Ed column in today's New York Times, you've already discovered what the rest of us have known since this morning: "A Lonesome Tortoise, and a Search for a Mate" is the grossest article ever.

Consider its opening lines: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, at least among humans, that a giant tortoise in the possession of the last sperm of his species must be in want of a wife."

'Haha,' you think, 'a Jane Austen reference! Surely that means the article will be tasteful and not at all vomit-inducing.' Unfortunately, however, that's where you would be wrong.

A few years later, in 1993, there was briefly a companion known as Lonesome George's girlfriend, but she was not a tortoise. She was a 26-year-old graduate student in zoology from Switzerland named Sveva Grigioni. By coating her hands in the genital secretions of female tortoises and gently stroking him, she managed to demonstrate a couple of times (in the course of several months work) that George was capable of an erection. But whereas her touch could induce other male tortoises to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with George she never managed to collect any sperm.

In the end, however, we found the article to be strangely inspirational. After all, you may hate your job, abhor your friends, detest your shitty apartment or cry yourself to sleep at night, but—when it comes down to it—at least you're not up to your arms in female tortoise ejaculate.