Hillary Clinton appeared on Letterman last night and presented her top ten campaign promises. Hiring funnier speech writers was not on the list.

Full list after the jump.

10. Bring stability and long-term security to The View.
9. Each year on my birthday every American gets a cupcake.
8. You will have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double or nothing on your tax return.
7. If you're having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available, it's yours.
6. My vice-president will never shoot anybody in the face.
5. I'll turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible.
4. For over a century there have only been two Dakotas. I plan to double that.
3. We will finally have a president who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?
2. I will appoint a commission to find out what the heck is happening on Lost.
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.

Sadly, the Internet could come up with anything better. Arianna Huffington’s top ten list for Hillary Clinton was also about as funny as an episode of The World According to Jim.