Did Nello Balan really slip Richard Johnson $1,000 in an envelope in order to boost his holiday cheer? If he did, he's not exactly racked with guilt. In an Oscar caliber "damage control" performance, the restaurant impresario nobly defends his right to give unsolicited monetary donations to make-or-break gossip columns—and accuses those of us who fail to grasp his selfless generosity of being Scrooges, Grinches and penny-pinchers who've lost the Christmas spirit.

“If I did, so what?” he wondered in his Romanian accent between bites. “What is wrong with a Christmas gift? What, Americans have to be such Grinches about Christmas?” Americans, not so much. Journalists, maybe. Along with other allegations, the New York Post’s admission that Johnson accepted the cash has sparked a media frenzy. But it’s been too long to remember the details, Nello said. “It was 1997. I was in Aspen.” He wondered if he hadn’t asked his assistant to send over truffles, or possibly scarves, gloves, and ties (Hermès is across the street), and just maybe the assistant got flustered and sent cash instead.

Meanwhile, the NY Times tries to figure out just how beneficial Malan's selfless act really was, asking "was there a quid pro quo?"

[Spoiler: Yes.]

Reports the Times:

A database check shows that in the two years after the gift was made, around Christmas 1997, according to The Post, Mr. Balan or his restaurant, Nello, were mentioned at least 15 times in Page Six, almost always favorably. Typical items included a sighting of Mickey Rourke “showing off his trim torso” [Ed: As if!] at the restaurant, which is a block north of Barneys, or David Duchovny and Téa Leoni dining at a sidewalk table “with a dozen paparazzi recording every bite.”

In a statement delivered through a spokesman for The Post, Mr. Allan said that “there is no, and never has been, any quid pro quo” between the newspaper and Mr. Balan; the spokesman, Steven Rubenstein, pointed out that Mr. Balan had also received negative attention in the newspaper.

But mostly, the coverage in Page Six, known for embarrassing the prominent and even ruining careers, has had the sweet smell of success. To date Mr. Balan and his various establishments — besides Nello, he operates Nello Hotel Summertimes, in the Hamptons, and he used to run a SoHo restaurant — have received around 200 mentions in The Post since 1997.

Translation: In 1997, $1,000 was enough to by you (and your restaurant) 200+ mentions in the country's widest read gossip column, despite boasting little more than overpriced tagliolini al salmone and the occasional presence of a slimmed-down Mickey Rourke.

Good thing the New York Post has finally instituted a (new!) "no-bribes" policy. Otherwise, after factoring in the costs of inflation and salary growth, that Christmas gift would now likely fall into the $5-10,000 range.

Of course, that only covers the D-list celebrity "sightings." And a couple of plates of overcooked pasta.