Advice columns are crap. The questions are either made up, or answered too late to be of any service to anyone. But they’re still popular, mostly because people get some voyeuristic rush out of reading about the problems of fictional characters or strangers. And usually, the advice is too earnest to be of any use. As bloggers, we understand every nuance of human interaction. So here’s our advice.
I'm 24, and I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. We were friends in high school, then met again after college, and started living together almost immediately. We have been talking about marriage lately, which I am beyond excited about; however, my boyfriend has informed me that I need to lose 20 pounds before he will propose. He claims that's the only reason he hasn't asked me yet. In his words, he wants "a hot wife." Am I crazy to think that unconditional and true love still exists? Everything else in our relationship is great. I don't want to walk away from something so wonderful, but this just seems a little ridiculous. Help!
—In Love With Mr. Vain
What You Should Do:
Leave him.
What You Will Do:
Between move it or lose it, you're going to go with lose it.
If your BF thinks you should lose 20 pounds, the editors of Vogue think you could drop 40. And when it comes to the big day, you drop at least 15. Nobody likes a fatty bride; it just depresses skinny singles.
Second of all, you've known your BF since high school. A few questions: Were you chubbier back then? Did he date girls hotter than you? And were you secretly in love with him the whole time? The answer to all these questions is probably yes. The only reason he's with you now is because you lost weight and at this stage in his life, he can't be with anyone better.
See, men date on a curve. In high school and college, good-looking girls are everywhere. Post-college, all the attractive girls start dating richer, older men. So at the trough of his romance curve, he's settled for you. But if he ends up marrying you and you end up fat, he'll have missed his chance to score with more attractive younger women. And for what? Babies genetically prone to be heavy?
Ultimately, "true love" is a lie, like evolution and the Holocaust. Lose weight to make him momentarily happy. Then begin your life together, prepared to make any sacrifice to please him.
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Yuk! He is being manipulative and creepy.
Tell him so.
Besides which, the way to get someone to change is to love love love them how they are. You watch their self- esteem go up, and they'll figure out what they want to do to improve their lives. (Note: may be different from what you would pick).
Definitely put the brakes on the marriage talk. It has gotten all twisted up with the other issues and needs to breathe on its own.
You don't know what a wonderful man is. Don't marry a man who puts limits on you. Your freedom is too valuable to compromise for this selfish boy.
RUN don't walk away! If he's like this now he will be uber-controlling if you get married. God forbid you have a baby and gain a few pounds!
What's the issue here? Sweetie, lose 20 lbs and marry the dude! He's a guy, and guys know best! And if it doesn't work out anyway, you can always hold your head up - cuz you were married. If you look at it that way, losing that weight will be a cinch! No guy worth his salt wants a heifer for a wife - so go on a diet, you hog!
Update to my earlier post - I'm a law student and share a house with 3 other male law students. I asked 2 of them for their take on all this, and their opinions were very similar - it was, like, hey, I'm spending a fortune getting my law degree and I plan on working for a prestigious firm when I graduate. So, the senior partner throws a cocktail party - and I show up with the Goodyear Blimp. Zap! There go my chances for promotion - my boss is gonna think "if McSweeney doesnt care enough to have a presentable wife, what else would he not care about? Our clients. maybe??"
Mick, the guy isn't finding a date for a company party, he's choosing a wife. Whether she is 20 pounds up or down is a trifle in the big picture– is she kind, smart, inventive, hopeful, is a loving partner to him… a marriage is for life, in sickness and in health. If he's rejecting her for 20 pounds, will he run when she has a stroke or is in a car accident? If he can be caring and understanding about a little overweight, he will be a good partner with the heavier (pardon the pun) stuff later on I think. Marriage is romantic, but it is also very serious. This is the person who will be with you when your parents die, when you give birth, when you have no money. As well as with you for the greatest moments. Pick a winner!!
I would love to tell you to shred his clothes and run, but I know you won't. The fact that you had to ask advice on this shows you love him, maybe too much. Hey, if you want a husband who is as deep as the kiddie pool- you've found him. Good Luck.
He is giving you whst you will be in for after the birth of a child. It is obvisous that who you are right now with the 20lbs isn't good enough. If you were fine before the talk of marriage, why now (a hot wife) has a great deal to think about. Wait, snacking on a brownie and worrying ,please, if her finacee or husband is going to whine about the weight that she gained from it. Girlfriend save yourself the trouble, date him longer the more you get to learn about what a wife is in his simple mind the more you will realize that you are great and sexy with your twenty pounds. This is from a Sexy wife.
Mick, if she is 170 lbs and 5'0 ft I would agree…but on the grounds of health reasons…but if she is 5'4 and 125 that is with in the standard range for BMI (she would be 21.5) and if she lost 20 lbs she would be underweight.
We don't know her frame. But seriously if I dated a guy that controlling he would end up in the East River!
He looks handsome. Just saw his profile on millionaire dating site WealthyRomance.com last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on that site.
America is funny. We complain on Talk Shows, the news, etc. that obesity is Huge Problem! Must Fix! Then next segment, Fat Woman arguing for the rights of Fat Women. The average American gains 5 pounds a year, till they are obese. Weight goes up, and up, never down. Both of them should commit to fitness and decent weight. She'll be healthier. And since he's lawyer, she shd negotiate terms also.
Tell him that you'll lose 20 if he gains two inches. Then lose the 20 and dump him and tell him that now that you are "hot" you realize that you can do much better. : )
honey if you need to loose 20 lbs. he should grow you an extra 3 inches. hey…fair is fair