Last night, we had a couple of fashion parties to attend and as a result, we missed another exhilarating night of primetime tennis. Thankfully, we'd programmed our DVR to record it, mostly because owing to our joint crush on Andy Roddick (Mandy Moore's ex) and Roger Federer (Anna Wintour's masturbatory fantasy) and eagerly flipped on the television this morning lest we inadvertently stumble across an article telling us who won.

Unfortunately, in order to get up to the Roddick/Federer match we first had to fast-forward through what seemed like a never-ending battle between Venus Williams and her quarter-finals opponent, Jelena Jankovic.

At one point we paused to yawn and check the score (Jankovic was up 6-4, 1-0) and that's when we stumbled upon what would prove to be the highlight of an unbelievable match, namely: a live interview with Jerry Seinfeld and the notoriously reclusive Larry David, who just happened to be watching from the stands.

After watching the amazingly awkward footage, our mouths agape, it occurred to us that this was one of those instances in which words alone cannot adequately describe the nature of the uncomfortable sit-down we had just been fortunate enough to witness. Sadly, however, the clip is not yet available on YouTube. So we took a deep breath, sat up straight, and did the only thing we could think of: laughed, cried (the result of more laughter) and then painstakingly transcribed the entire interview, for your voyeuristic reading pleasure.

Enjoy! You've earned it.

Announcer: Michael Barkin on the prowl, Michael.
Michael Barkan (whispering): Ted, John, Tracy, thank you very much. With Jerry and Larry, Larry and Jerry. They're, uh, enjoying the matches. And um, just your overall impressions, first off.
Larry David (whispering): Well, uh, I like it here. I like tennis. But—it's all whispering. And it's kind of disturbing me, all the whispering. Why can't you talk like a person?
Michael Barkan (whispering): Well, because of the security phones.

Serena wins a big point; thunderous applause.

Michael Barkan (louder): During the applause you can.
Larry David: No, I don't—I don't care for it. All the whispering
Michael Barkan: Actually, I've never seen two guys laugh like you have. What—what are you telling each other?
Jerry Seinfeld (whispering): We're making jokes. Making a lot of jokes.
Michael Barkan: Are you going to use them anytime?
Jerry Seinfeld (whispering): No. We're not allowed to tell people.
Michael Barkan: You actually—there was a Seinfeld episode that was set here. Kramer was a—a ball-person, right?
Jerry Seinfeld (whispering): He was the first ball-man.
Michael Barkan: How did that turn out?
Jerry Seinfeld: It was great. Yeah. (pause) It's so—the temperature, you feel like you're indoors, it's this weird place. I feel like I'm in someone's house.
Michael Barkan: That's kind of the way we all feel.

Awkward pause.

Michael Barkan: (to Larry) Now you were—you were Kramer, right? Did you ever—were you ever a ball-kid here? Ball-man?
Larry David: Excuse me?
Michael Barkan: Were you a ball-man here?
Larry David: No, (shakes his head) no. That's embarrassing to go running and darting across the court like that. You think I would ever do that? Are you nuts?
Michael Barkan: Did you write that episode?
Larry David: I don't remember.

Boring interlude about John McEnroe's upcoming cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Michael Barkan (to Jerry): What are you doing, quickly?
Jerry Seinfeld: I have a bee—
Michael Barkan: Or not quickly! I'm sorry.
Jerry Seinfeld: —a bee movie coming out November 2nd, an animated movie.
Michael Barkan: (whispering) Really? A bee movie?
Jerry Seinfeld (whispering) Yes.
Michael Barkan: (loudly) A bee movie!
Larry David (whispering) You're talking too loud! What's the matter with you?
Michael Barkan (whispering): I'm sorry. What's the funniest thing that—that you've ever seen on a tennis court?
Jerry Seinfeld (loudly): Not you.

Jerry and Larry laugh.

Michael Barkan: Okay. Okay, with that, we, uh—shhhh! We send it back. With Jerry and Larry, and Larry and Jerry.