Sick of sitting back and watching Katie Couric flounder over at CBS, The Plain Dealer reporter Michael Heaton has come up with a list of "10 surefire tips to reverse the precipitous plunge in ratings."

1. Every Wednesday, do the news with hand puppets. (Attracts younger viewers.)
2. Hire a special correspondent: Sanjaya.
3. Reignite your feud with Bryant Gumbel.
4. Sign off each night with the word "ramalamadingdong" then refuse to discuss its deep personal significance to you, thereby setting off a firestorm of speculation.
5. Cry.
6. Wear a fedora with a PRESS card tucked in the band.
7. Ask Oprah to do the weather.
8. Whittle a piece of wood with a pocket knife while delivering the news.
9. Try a French accent.
10. Give every viewer a new car.

While we admire Heaton's efforts, we can't help but notice he's overlooked one or two useful tips that might help everyone's favorite third-placed new anchor. Fortunately, we've compiled a list of our own for Katie to peruse at her leisure.

• Continue firing anyone/everyone (except yourself!) who could be held even remotely responsible for CBS News' dismal ratings
• Discontinue plagiarizing from other news outlets and then blaming it on lowly production assistants.
• Stop humming the theme of the Today show under your breath when you think no one's listening.
• Show a little leg—nothing indecent, but enough to reclaim your "Queen of the Gams" title from newcomer Kiran Chetry.
• And, since we're on aesthetics, maybe practice smiling in front of a mirror until you've eliminated the "shark-toothed grin" from your repertoire.
• Do not tell anyone that you have recurring dreams about Walter Cronkite.
• Not even Dan Rather.
• Refrain from using annoying tween phrases like "LOL" and "OMG" in your blog entries. Ditto for those extraneous exclamation points/unmitigated blogging enthusiasm.
• Don't be envious of Amanda Congdon's rack. Just take it in, note it, and appreciate it—like the rest of us.
• Quit phoning it in.

Hope you didn't mind the constructive criticism, Katie! Anyway, just a few things you might want to consider. But keep up the good work. Seriously, you're doing great!